Should I be offended?

[canijustrunawaytojointhecircus]

I had a total hysterectomy mid 2019, so was obviously thrown into menopause. I am in my mid 40's.
Prior to my operation, I was a fit and healthy (although overweight) person. My hysterectomy was necessary due to me regularly needing A&E trips each month (often by emergency ambulance) as the pain of my periods was so intense I would pass out, whilst flooding (tmi, sorry).
Since my operation, which I recovered from brilliantly, I have struggled. I have struggled with my weight, with insomnia, with brain fog, with a feeling of imposter syndrome, with my moods and most debilitating, with horrific hand and feet pain. I still keep myself fit, with various exercises, but this is becoming harder and harder with my muscle and joint pain.
I use HRT and have regular check ups with my Practice Nurse to review. To be fair, the Practice Nurse is very good and has always responded positively to my ailments.
But, I am getting worse. I get up each morning not wanting to continue the day. It is all just too much.
Cue my DH (we have been together for 30 years) saying to me last night "I have been talking about you with my friend who's wife was also destroyed by menopause. She went to see a menopause specialist and has been completely transformed. Shall I book you an appointment??"
I really don't know how to feel about this. Pleased that my DH has recognised my struggles and wants to help? Or offended that he is discussing me with a (not very close) friend, feels I have been destroyed and has decided I need "fixing"?
I am just being an over-sensitive, moody, hormonal old lady or am I justified to feel slightly offended?
For reference, although my DH and I have been together forever, we don't have the best relationship anymore and often look at each other and think "why are we still together??"
Thank you for reading this far

I would take this as a positive thing. He recognises that you are not well and he wants to try and help. If he didn't care then he wouldn't bother.

Don't over-think it. Go to the specialist, get treatment and then consider your relationship with a clearer head.

Having a partner with mental and physical health issues is really difficult sometimes, and talking to someone who's been through something similar can help. I'd struggle to judge him. But even if I'm wrong (and I'm sure some posters will say I am), the important thing is that you don't get detailed by that and focus on your health for now.

Say yes please!

Only you can know what you feel about the situation.

If it were me I’d assume that my husband was trying to help me.

I think you are taking it the wrong way. Why shouldn’t he discuss such a significant thing impacting you (and him). An uncaring partner would carry on regardless, a stiff upper lip ‘don’t speak of ladies things’ type isn’t exactly desirable either. I would appreciate the suggestion of a possible way forward, not take it as a suggestion that you are ‘destroyed’ - tbh not wanting to carry on through each day sounds pretty broken and miserable so and I hope you find a way to feel better.

He's trying to help. He's seen how you've been struggling for years and wants to find a solution. Why shouldn't he talk to his friend about such a big issue? Women talk about their partners all the time!

God he cares about you!!! How could you take this in a bad way? Menopause specialists CAN actually transform your life. Cool hubby IMO.

Maybe look at it differently. He's talking to people about you because he's worried. Perhaps the friend started the conversation about his wife and your DH felt he could learn from his friend's experience, so shared about you. He's recognising that what you're going through isn't your fault and it's not "you" being like this, it has a cause and he's trying to help.

It's good that he has someone he talks to, it's good that he cares enough about you to see that you're struggling.

It can be a shock to realise you're the subject of someone else's conversation, so I can understand that you might feel a bit uncomfortable. Just try to see it's coming from a good place.

Definitely +ve. I would try to look at it like this; he cares, he's worried about you, he wants to help you. It's a tricky subject to broach (maybe especially for a man, given it's not something they suffer from), so full husband points for him bringing it up.

As an aside, I hear very good things about Louise Newsome's clinic. She's done a couple of talks at work, and I've read some of her stuff. When the time comes (which is soon), I wouldn't hesitate to go and see her if I wanted/needed. Anything to make life better !

I'll be honest OP I don't see what there is to be offended by here, you've admitted yourself you're struggling and getting worse and he's offering constructive help! That said I can understand you questioning it if things are not great between you, it's just that in this case what he's offering would override that feeling for me, I'd snatch his hand off

Thank you all for giving me some perspective. It is perhaps an indication of how far down the rabbit hole of self loathing that I have plummeted that I took this as an insult rather than a positive.
I will respond to my husband in the right way, rather than punishing him for thinking I am broken.
Bloody menopause

That sounds like a good plan OP.

Good luck, it sounds really miserable for you 💐

Not to be rude but the way you describe yourself, you don't sound the easiest person to be living with. Mental health issues are very hard on people around you. I guess at his point, you just want to get better. So don't start down the negative path of looking at apportioning blame, instead look on the positive side that your husband has found something that might help you.

I'm so sorry. I didn't see your response. Well done you for being positive, It's hard when you're feeling down. Good luck and I hope you're feeling better soon.

Definitely see it as a positive thing and get that appointment booked! You don’t have to suffer. I had hysterectomy in my late 30s and it took ages to get my HRT sorted. What doses are you on?

Oh bless you. And bless him for trying to help. A lot of men wouldn't, so whilst I understand you feeling uncomfortable he discussed you with his friend, it sounds like it came from a good place.

Your last sentence "although my DH and I have been together forever, we don't have the best relationship anymore and often look at each other and think "why are we still together??" made me quite sad for both of you. But yet he's still thinking of how to help you, so all can't be lost.

I'm a similar age to you and currently in peri, nowhere near the problems that you've had, but it's still very much affecting me and how I feel about myself. It's really hard to feel like an attractive, worthwhile, vibrant person when your body is being unpredictable and letting you down all over the place. Perhaps he's hopeful that if seeing a specialist can improve some things for you, you may feel more positive, and your relationship may improve naturally.

If you're already on HRT I'm not sure what seeing a specialist would achieve tbh. It's great that your dh wants to help of course. Have you tried different doses etc?

Have you tried lifestyle changes like diet and physical activity to help with your moods or painkillers to help with joint pain, perhaps it isn't hormonal?

Sorry to hear you wake up each day not wanting to continue, please say this to your gp perhaps you need ADs as well as HRT.

I do think he is trying to help. The rage associated to menopause might be clouding your judgment, which you have acknowledged. It does affect him too.

A menopause specialist might be a good idea - maybe the hrt you are in needs to be tweaked and some gps are not really knowledgeable on menopause and hrt.

I can imagine that I am a nightmare to live with, although my DD doesn't think so and my DH does.
I exercise 6 days a week, doing a variety of body pump, cycling, running and dancing. I don't need to up my exercise but I do need to rethink my diet a bit. I don't smoke or drink, so need some food pleasures in life.
I have tried different doses of HRT as I do have a very helpful Practice Nurse.
I am definitely not going to consider anti-depressants. I have been down that road before, for PND, and the weight gain was horrendous.
Thank you all for your truthful responses. It has confirmed that I have perhaps overreacted and need to embrace my DH's suggestion.

@canijustrunawaytojointhecircus I agree your H is trying to help.

From what you have written, what comes over to me is this may be a very simple issue to resolve.

I think your estrogen dose is too low.

Women in their 40s like you usually need a lot higher dose of estrogen than older women.

Can I ask what HRT you use? If you had your ovaries removed you will need only estrogen.

What are you using? It should be at least 1mg a day and probably more like 2mgs.

Are you on gel, patches or tablets?

@JinglingHellsBells I use oestrogen gel, the pump version. I was on tiny sachets for about two years, but these were changed when I had a review with the practice nurse. I pump one application a day.

[quote canijustrunawaytojointhecircus]@JinglingHellsBells I use oestrogen gel, the pump version. I was on tiny sachets for about two years, but these were changed when I had a review with the practice nurse. I pump one application a day.[/quote]
Do you mean one pump? (The starting dose is 2 pumps.)
That is a TINY dose. It's less than 1mcg of estrogen.

It's the same as a 25mcg patch which is the lowest patch available.

I am almost 20 years older than you and use 2 pumps, as directed by my consultant. And I have my ovaries although they are not working now :)

Oh it's no wonder you feel rubbish. You should increase to the starting dose of 2 pumps and then maybe go to 3 pumps after a few weeks if 2 isn't working.

You can use up to 4 pumps a day (this in on the leaflet.)

@JinglingHellsBells when I last went to see my practice nurse, she swapped me to the pump gel. We talked about my weight issues and she said that HRT will make me gain weight, despite my best efforts to avoid it. She recommended one pump per day (yes, just one press of the pump).

Please take this as a positive he's not only concerned but looking for ways to help. It may be as simple as changing HRT I switched from pill form to gel and change happened over night. GPs are not always best placed to deal with menopause where a specialist is.