Does Peri/Menopause cause selfishness?

[Millionairesshortbreadshort]

Just that really.

I feel like I’ve stopped caring. I care about DC but other than occasional moments I don’t seem to give a toss anymore. I still treat people kindly and offer empathy in words and actions but I just feel a bit cut off really. Am on HRT. Helps with some things and feel much more myself but not this.

I couldn't give a toss what others think of me any more. To be quite honest, it is liberating.

Or maybe it’s natures way of telling you to start caring about yourself more.

You have a baby and those birth hormones kick in to make sure you bond and will protect that that baby with your life. You go from there, looking after and caring for your little ones. That unselfishness benefits everyone in your orbit. You don’t have to go far on mumsnet to see all the women struggling with children, family, work, homes and husbands.

By the time the menopause strikes, in times past the children would have likely be grown and have their own families. You don’t need to be a nurturer anymore.

It is liberating, and a bit like puberty, you change into a different version of the person you were before.

We are just controlled by a fucking bunch of chemicals. I dont give a toss about anyone except my DC.

No I don’t feel like this. I think feeling cut off, not caring about anyone or anything is quite concerning to be honest. I’d wonder if thay was a symptom of life bringing someone down rather than menopausal symptoms.

I am 45 and feeling a bit like this. I have read it may be due to less oestrogen, but guess that wouldn't be it if on HRT? Not sure though..

I've yet to have mine but I remember when my mum had hers about ten years ago she said she felt like this 😢 it must be horrible

Not me but a friend of mine.

She's lost all empathy for anyone other than her dc and treats her staff appallingly.

Yet she thinks she's flying through it.

I've broached it a couple of times with her and have actually had to say something to her on occasion when she had a mutual friend In tears after some really non thinking sharp comments

As long as you are aware of it op and do it kindly it's fine to feel like that as long as it isn't hurting others

Oestrogen is the nurturing hormone. So maybe what you’re feeling is that fading. Which isn’t selfishness. It’s an evolutionary shift.

OTOH, any negative experience such as pain, fatigue, grief, adversity of any kind can leave you feeling short of emotional reserves. That’s not really selfishness either. It’s a survival mechanism.

I think you’re being very hard for n yourself. Things will level out.

I think it reduces the hormones that make women more likely to bend over backwards to help others. Doesn't mean you're selfish though, even though it may seem so relatively to those around you.

I do think the lowering of oestrogen can cause you to care less about others. I've read that quite a few times when reading about the menopause.

I do find I care much less about what others think, and it is quite liberating.

It might be worth talking to your doctor as although you are on hrt maybe the dosage isn't quite right.

Interesting, never thought of that

Yep I think the hormone change can lead to caring less and fewer emotional ups and downs all round. But it’s also a really seismic life stage, so if you are feeling a bit numb it might be to do with dealing with that / recalibrating.

There are positives to feeling less emotional / caring less, so I’d try to embrace that, keep an eye on it, and if you think it’s more than that then obviously see your GP.

I think it's more that as you get older you start to be more confident and less worried about what other people think/say about you.
I have also become a lot more judgemental and outspoken about my opinions, to the DCs' horror.
But I don't care any more
I'm 60, and we'll past my menopause.

Thank you so much everyone. Really helpful.

I like not caring what people think anymore. That’s a bonus. Although pre HRT I was getting some social anxiety that I hadn’t had since adolescence- that’s gone again now with HRT now which is great. Brain fog is better too. Although now have post covid brain fog. I do miss my brain.

I try and still be kind and caring and certainly at work I am and mostly with DC. But then DH doesn’t get much empathy at all. I just find myself thinking ‘just grow up and deal with it yourself’ and I find his emotional needs irritating - like last night he said ‘I’m going to bed because I’m feeling sad’ and I just thought ‘thank god, some time on my own’. I didn’t say that. I just said that I hope he slept well. But before I’d have checked he was ok. He’d been really grumpy all day and I was just fed up and drained. Can’t be doing with his emotional needs at all.

With friends I’ll listen and I care but I’m not as pro active as I used to be. I’ll be there if they need me. Sometimes I’ll still check in or remember important things like anniversaries of lost loved ones but not like I used to.

Interesting to think that in the past kids would be grown up and no more need to be nurturing so hormones shift accordingly.

One thing I know is self care is feeling way more important now. It’s like I need to put myself first in a way I used to be able to put to one side. No reserves left.

Thanks for your support all and for sharing. Helps to know I’m not the only one.

I’m the same - I’m almost 53, definitely don’t feel as connected to people or as bothered by their behaviour, and certainly don’t feel the need to nurture in the same way I used to. DC3 is quite a bit younger than his older siblings and he came to ask me to do something for him the other day - I told him to go and ask his dad, I was far too busy. It seems a minor thing but I’ve always been the one they come to, so it’s quite liberating to just not care so much anymore.

On the downside I have crippling anxiety and a general feeling of being quite remote, like I’m not really a part of things - which is not nice. I can’t be bothered to organise stuff and am very happy pottering and chatting to the dog. Not great as I have a full time, full on job and lead a dept. Roll on retirement.

My understanding is that hormones change how our brain reacts - we women become more empathetic due to pregnancy/childbirth hormones but then less empathic when (peri)menopause happens -- I rate this change is wonderful because I got fed up of crying at stupid stuff.

I am baffled why HRT wouldn't keep your brain trapped in the age 20s/30s level of empathy. That's so strange if the brain changes to be less empathetic even if taking HRT. Maybe time & experience matter more than I realised & are part of why we women get to finally mellow out.

not right to say "selfish" btw -- it's a return to sanity, not selfish. It's not a good thing to care hugely - so much that you are pointlessly unproductively unhappy about stuff you can't change

Sounds like depression to me

I care less what others think of me

But I sure as hell care for others

In early stages of a first romance following divorce 6 years ago

The feelings are honestly no different to when I was in my twenties

All I’m thinking about is him. Counting down days until I see him. Butterflies. He seems to be the same!

I’ve been on hrt for 5 years

I was struggling with feelings for my kids just before I had hrt. It's definitely helped level me out and I've started to feel less of this awful self centred survival mode i had going on. Mainly as I'm not in as much pain and sleep and can concentrate.

I do think you get to your 40s as a woman and realise how much shit you've accepted for so long too.