Unless you're also going through this and if you are, of course don't eff off, grab a cuppa and something tasty and have a massive-arse rant too. There is no one else I can talk to or tell my true feelings to. I tell my husband some things but you will see from the ensuing purge, much of it is unsuitable for his or anyone close to me's ears. This post contains very long detailed ranting and should be avoided if you are sensitive to ranting in general.
I hate everyone. I hate everything. I'm going to be 45 soon and I'm counting down the days when I can book a birthday appointment on that magical day and be able to ask for HRT without being told to go away with a script for anti depressants - HAHA. I'm dreading it, because I have a feeling that I'm going to have to argue and I'm feeling extremely stabby so we'll see how that goes. Maybe the stupid female docs at the surgery I have the misfortune to be at, will see the murderous look in my eye and will actually follow the NICE guidlines I quote. Maybe not - ultimately only they can choose their destiny.
I've been feeling wonky since I was 37. I've been told I have subclinical hypothyroidism/Hashimotos - my TSH is always between 5 and 7 but not over 10, which would trigger medication by NHS standards. My free T4 is always on the low end but not out of range so far. My antibodies are always consistently high. I have 6 monthly blood tests and have been told that's all they can do for now. Incidentally my FSH has been elevated and elevating for a year now, my periods are very erratic with bouts of heavy bleeding which they gave me Norethisterone 30mg on occasion, feeling hot in the day, very bloated stomach, tiredness and some nightsweats, but still not enough to convince GPs to consider that I might not actually just be mental - I might also be SHOCK perimenopausal.
I had my children at 18 and 22, was a SAHM with a very low income husband. I also had suffered with PTSD and chronic social anxiety from past partner abuse, so took on all the household duties and house admin and childcare. That was my choice because I didn't know any better and didn't think I could do any better with my MH. Husband was nice but drippy and didn't have as much ambition as me. We found out later that he had ADD which really affected his confidence.
I had to do everything, all the organising, all the everything while he worked and didn't have to think about anything or worry about anything. All the thinking and worrying was down to me. He is a minimal converser. Talking with him is painful at times. Redeeming qualities to him is that he was faithful and we had good sex, but it was infrequent and always initiated by me. Later he admitted to wanking alot when he could have been shagging me but apparently I was too stressed when the kids were small. I might have been less stressed if I'd have had more support from him and more shagging but hey-ho, can't change the past now can we? There is so much water under the bridge in this marriage I can't even get into it on here, it would fill the whole effing internet.
To say I felt trapped many times and frustrated would be an understatement. However, I love my daughters and made sure I was there for them, cared for them, always have their back no matter what and still do now.
After the lockdowns I never felt more trapped and depressed in my life and when my youngest moved away for work (to the same area as my eldest who had gone there for Uni and stayed), it just hammered home how much of my identity was a Mum and nothing else. It hammered home how much of a failure as a person I am . No income of my own, no 'real' career. It hammered home that I am stuck with a bellend, who - I might add - had THE AUDACITY to also 'decide' he was going to have fucking performance anxiety erectile dyfunction from February 2020 ongoing.
Just when the only thing that made me happy and took my mind off existential crises and thoughts of impending doom, becoming older and worrying about death - was sexy time. It's like he thought, 'Oh she's not happy, I know what'll fucking tip her over the edge completely - I'll give her my LIMP DICK and my poor-man hurt feelings and shitty shouting at her and punching holes in doors to deal with too.'
Of course I'm being harsh. He's not abusive is he? I mean he only shouts in my face when his dick is limp, so he can't be a totally bad person can he? His father died the year before the pandemic. After he died, my husband had an increased interest in sex briefly but then fell off a sex cliff and didn't go near me for ages. It felt like I'd lost my husband too and he was perpetually worried about his mother and felt like he had to keep going to see if she was alright. I get it, but she has a daughter too. Living further away, presumably his sister was allowed to grieve without having her marriage completely taken over, who knows?
And then all of a sudden he acted like he was alright. Sex returned, we started to heal abit and started connecting sexually on a better level than we had ever connected before. To be honest it was the best sex of my life.
AND THEN THE PANDEMIC HIT and he worked in food retail so had to cope with the new restrictions and extra strains that entailed - it wasn't pleasant at all is an understatement.
I get it. I do. But I am SICK OF IT. In this time, I have lost my daughters (empty nest), my identity, my sexlife, my husband. My sanity. I've lost my ability to not scream into my pillow multiple times a week. The only things I've gained is weight and depression. And a fervant hate for everyone and everything.
The mother in law has started knocking on the door unannounced, husband has not told her this is inappropriate, because, well he's a fucking drip. We are TRYING to save our marriage but it feels hopeless and since the kids have left home, both his mother and my parents think we should be over it and available to them now. They are elderly but all have given me shit over the years. The only parent I will be upset when they die is my Mum, but she's prioritised my overbearing bully know-it-all shithead father over me, but still I am not a total monster, I will miss her. And I will grieve the lovely mother/daughter relationship HE never let us have.
See I worry about all this too. I'm terrified of being trapped further with elderly caring duties with people who didn't have to do any of that themselves back when they were my age. The last thing I need in the middle of a marriage crisis and let's face in midlife shithole crisis, is a needy mother in law or troublesome sick parents.
And if my mother in law and sister in law turn up at my house unannounced again (was actually trying to have some romantic rekindling with said hubby with viagra and sexy playsuit at the time), I think I will be arrested for a crime I cannot be wholly responsible for. She doesn't know it yet but I've gone NC with her. Blocked her everywhere I can. Won't answer the door to her. I can't bear to hear her whiney annoying voice right now.
I'm anxious and worry endlessly that my husband is going to die of some terrible illness. Even though he's a dipshit, I love him and therefore am worrying incessantly and am convinced his mother putting extra strain on him is going to make him have a heart attack.
I cry alot too. Whole hours are wasted sobbing or masturbating and sometimes crying and masturbating because I can't have decent sex with someone who fucking wants the fucking sex with me. Inbetween that I'm making creative work I hate. And I literally see no one. Except for the postman and ladies who run charity shops and my youngest every fortnight or so, my eldest - hmmm when she feels like it. However I am grateful for all these people. I don't hate these ones. They are my lifeline.
Now I've realised that I'm in the grip of the 'sex-surge' which I am not allowed to enjoy because of husband's insecurities which I'VE TRIED TO BE NICE AND PATIENT ABOUT but I am too tired to care about his problem anymore. Now said husband really only fancies 'it' when porn is on or I'm trussed up to the nines in the filthiest outfits. I'm tired. What's wrong with nice cuddly sex that doesn't NEED a pill, or this sham shit-show of a porn routine I'm trying to emulate just to get him 'into' it? Of course he says he never watches it without me. Of COURSE he says he never wanks. Of course he says he fancies me and doesn't want younger women. COURSE YOU DON'T MATE.
I just want the connected sex we started having. I just want an identity. I just want to not want to feel like either killing myself or running away and never coming back.
I'd give my right hand, well, maybe not my right hand...my high teeth to meet a nice understanding woman who will cuddle me and tell me it's alright and maybe - have some 'fun' with as well. OFFICIAL BISEXUAL ALERT. I feel so utterly lonely.
I would LTB but I'm not in a financial position to. Trying to move to a cheaper place and get more work in self employed for myself, but that takes time. I know I'm wingeing, I just have no one to talk to in real life.
I think that's the gist of it. How are you doing? And I'm really very sorry if this has depressed or angered or triggered anyone in anyway, it's just a shitshow I know. But thank you for letting me vent and having the patience to read or even comment. I'm scared I'll get flamed but I'll assume the flamer is not perimenopausal, or had one of those 'breezy' menopauses where she just fanny-farted and the whole thing was done with, or that they're a bloke.
Maybe I should print this out for my doctor when I go on my 45th birthday, but I'm going to have to just stick to mentioning the nightsweats, wonky periods and vaguely mention being 'moody' I expect.