So confused and stuck, feel awful

[LoveMySituation]

I've put this here because this is the time it's happening in, in peri. I'm not sure it's peri that's caused it, but it may have contributed.
I'm 43. Been in peri for at least three years, though if I mark it from night sweats and hot flushes starting, it's about five. Anxiety is ramping up, today has been awful, just spiralled. And I'm so, so tired too. It's at the point I'm considering HRT, even though my family history would be hugely against it, I just can't live like this.
I'm sure the anxiety is classic peri, but I also just feel like a scared little girl, who can't cope with anything. Like I've regressed to childhood, and I have no control. I have an abusive background(physical and emotional abuse from both parents, I think that's the first time I've realised that and written it down), complicated by my nearly 17 year old son living with one of my abusers(he's fine, it's only ever been me he was horrible to) so I'm trapped in some kind of contact, and also see how nice he is to him, compared to how he was with me.
I think being in this situation has put me in a kind of limbo childhood again, where my father is in control. And he was volatile and controlling, and still is. I know what is and isn't allowed to say, and I'm lucky if I get any information about my son from him. Or even my own history. My mum's dead, can't ask her
I think it would do my MH a lot of good to move away, I was away for a while before and coped better, but I wasn't peri
I don't know where this ramble is going, but it would be good to know if other have had this in peri, or if it's just this crappy situation

The anxiety and tiredness sound familiar to me from perimenopause - but I also think it sounds like you’re suffering from feelings to do with your childhood. You said it was the first time you’d realised this and written it down - and that must be difficult. I had some very difficult times related to my abusive childhood in my 40s.

I’m not an expert but is counselling an option? It helped me a lot. You could also see your GP as they can often help with the anxiety. And remember feeling like this can come and go, it may feel less intense soon.

I watched Davina McCalls Menopause and me on All4 today about this very thing, it was so interesting ... I'm 46 and don't think I'm peri yet but obvs I think about it ... my mum had breast cancer and made it through without HRT but the science headlines are very misleading, so I really recommend watching it as it picks the old science theories about oestrogen apart

Sorry I can't help with the second part of your post

I'm keen on some kind of therapy in general, there are insurmountable practical issues that prevent it where I live now though. I have awful ocd too, which I can't cope with anymore, so something relating to trauma would be ideal. If I didn't live in a tiny town with no transport.

Sorry, that was to Queen

You should listen to some Louise Newson podcasts - your hormones are making you feel like this, in a few days you'll feel completely different. Download the balance app and start to monitor daily how you feel, it'll be really useful when you see your doctor. Louise Newson also does podcasts on people with a family history who traditionally wouldn't take HRT, although the thinking on that is changing. You will get help and you will start to feel better, today you feel overwhelmed so let it all wash over you, tomorrow take action, even if it's just booking an appointment or listening to this.

OP just a quick supportive post to say regarding trauma, most if not all therapists are now operating via video sessions now if client prefers it so transport shouldn’t be a barrier.
You can also check out NAPAC National Association of People Abused in Childhood).

Is it possible to have EMDR remotely? Or I've read about hypnosis for trauma. I have no job, so it's all difficult, but if it worked, it could change everything. At the moment, I hate myself and every bit of my life. Another awful day, I know it's hormonal, but I feel like I'm going mad

Honestly, you are not going mad, it's your hormones or lack of them, so many of us have been where you are, hormones will definitely help and they can be a fairly quick fix - you do need therapy too but I think that will all take longer. Call your Doctor today, if you wait, your hormones will settle for a bit, you'll think you're over the worst but you'll be back feeling like this again next month. I know even the thought of doing anything at the moment is just too much to cope with - I used to be struggle just to get showered some days, but you need to take baby steps, you will get better x

I've been so against it Rina, as my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer at 46, was ill for ten years, then died of it when I was 26. I'm now just slightly younger than she was at diagnosis, her aunt also had it.

I'm so sorry to hear that @lovemy situation, how very sad. I fully understand that you are worried about HRT but please look at the Louise Newson website, there are podcasts regarding breast cancer risks and she has evidence to suggest that HRT does not increase your risk of breast cancer anymore than being overweight or drinking too much alcohol.

Op I understand what you have written.

I'm in the depths of the peri-menopause and have only just been diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder which has originated from childhood abuse and neglect. My condition has been missed diagnosed for several decades. About 6 months ago, I found myself ruminating a lot about my past/childhood - I think that was the start of me realising I really needed someone (a therapist) to talk to about it all and my extremely dysfunctional extended family.

The peri-menopause is leaving me feeling easily overwhelmed and like I can't be bothered at times. It is difficult to distinguish anxiety from hormone fluctuations to anxiety from everyday life. I feel like I'm living in a very weird lonely place and on top of it all I have relationship issues to unravel too as to whether the peri. is making this worse (unfortunately, I suspect not). I am unable to take HRT.

I am heading off to therapy very soon. I'm definitely looking for another perspective on all of this or at least to get a clearer perspective. Nothing to add as I haven't had any therapy just yet. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time.

Can I ask what type of therapy you are having Cook? Cptsd has crossed my mind too, but health professionals I've spoken to around here don't seem to have heard of it, or EMDR I think hormones are only part of the problem, the underlying issues are really what's going on, and the hormones just make it harder to ignore, and see things more clearly, and put yourself first instead of everyone else, I think.
I know what you mean about feeling lonely and overwhelmed

I was the same as you. My mum had BC too and I have avoided hormonal contraception all my life because of it, but the actual extra risk from taking HRT are minuscule. I’m at more risk because of being overweight, because I love cake! Those who drink alcohol are at more risk from a couple of glasses of wine a night. But we still do those things because they add something we value to our lives.

The benefits of HRT, not just the immediate ones such as a reduction in anxiety, increased sexual pleasure, less hair loss etc, but also long term protections re bone health and dementia, to me far outweigh the increased risk of BC. Obviously none of us wants to put ourselves in harms way, but with a bit more energy and less depression I’ve been able to get to the gym, have a better relationship with my DP etc and those things will help me live a happier life every day rather than being an anxious exhausted mess free of breast cancer until I get dementia and osteoporosis. Not meaning to be flippant, that’s just how I’ve sold it to myself after years of thinking I would never use HRT.

Op, I think the type of therapies mentioned were compassionate/person centred CBT, dialectical therapy, integrative therapy and EMDR. At present, the focus seems to be on the first, though I'm not sure of its correct name.

I paid privately (a psychiatrist) to get this diagnosis.

I think hormones are only part of the problem, the underlying issues are really what's going on, and the hormones just make it harder to ignore, and see things more clearly, and put yourself first instead of everyone else, I think.

Definitely some of this going on too.

Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. The situation with your family sounds very hard. In relation to spiralling anxiety you are not alone! I’m also in perimenopause and have got terrible anxiety. My cbt therapist thought past trauma was resurfacing for me too. It’s as if fluctuating hormones change the bar for what you can deal with. Get some help as soon as you can.The doctor I spoke to said therapy was good in combination with hrt.

Also I’m doing cbt via WhatsApp so it doesn’t matter where you live. Lots available online.

Thanks for your reply yellow. Hormones have a lot to answer for! I've done cbt before. It didn't work, mainly because I don't actually think that anxiety caused by thinking patterns is the problem. Certainly not for me anyway. I'm sure the anxiety is already there . I talk to myself in the way they teach you to anyway. I think I've also read on here that cbt isn't recommended for trauma. I think I've worked out what the problem is now, and maybe how to fix it. It's just doing it. I'm also scared of making things worse initially, but it wouldn't stop me

That’s interesting to know Love re the CBT. I’ll bear that in mind if I’m still feeling like this at the end of my sessions. Glad you’ve identified the problem. Hope you get some help as it is too miserable to sort out alone. You deserve support. All best

I'm not saying that's definitely the case yellow, but it would maybe make sense as there isn't much talking about issues. Good luck with whatever you end up doing