Midlife Realisations.

[Crickey734637]

I am 47 and definitely in the throws of perimenopause. I have always experienced anxiety/low mood I think thanks to childhood abuse/emotional neglect. But recently I have been doing a lot of thinking:

All of a sudden I can see the imperfections in my relationship (been married 20ish years).

I can see how I've just been expected to pick up after my dcs (also emotionally) and make sacrifices. I know this the job of a parent but it has dawned on me how incredibly difficult this has been at times (with no support from my mother or extended family whatsoever).

How I have not been good to myself...bombarding myself with negative self talk, being frankly quite horrible to myself at times. For years people told me I was hard on myself but I hadn't realised until lately...why has it taken so long?!

Fallen into jobs with no vision of what I want to do (various admin jobs, the last being the best of the bunch) but working in jobs where I was heavily supervised/monitored/bored etc. and put up with one really awful supervisor.

Realised how some friends...have not actually been friends but it took me ages to work it out. And, I suppose not valuing peoples friendships either focusing all on my family life. Also, for years not having any of my own hobbies and interests...just went with the flow.

I have also become quite negative toward the male population having either experienced abusive or disrespectful behaviour but not seeing it to the full extent until now.

I'm hoping to enter therapy in a few months when hopefully covid eases. I now have my own hobby and a possible interest. I have a wonderful, wonderful friend whose appearance in my life I cherish. I am tinkering with a small on-line business (though won't earn much and terrified it will be a massive flop). I am learning to say no more often and at last I am beginning to speak nicely to myself/treat myself etc. I have made a start on trying to turn things around.

Anyone else experiencing a bit of an epiphany/reflecting on the past/made changes? I'm putting it down to a midlife thing and the joys of not caring so much what people think. Anyone?

I’m on the cusp of turning 50 😱 and yes, the past couple of years have been a real rollercoaster of emotions - regrets, losses, bad decisions all coming up to haunt me. Thankfully it’s abating a bit now and I’m starting to look ahead more positively.

I just wish I didn’t look so OLD!

That's good to hear ThatOtherPoster

Very useful realisations and thoughts Crickey! I started my peri at 42 and I feel like a new person now at 45. I feel that I spent a lot of energy for not important issues before.

This hugely resonates with me, Crickey. I'm 45. Almost all of your post could be me. I DO have a lifelong history of depression for the same childhood reasons as you too, which is medicated but there is definitely an extra layer of peri menopausal nonsense starting up as well. I have been putting off going to the GP to discuss HRT but it's reaching thr point I need to. I don't want to be fobbed off with upping my existing medication because I believe what I'm experiencing now is hormone related.

It feels a bit like the worm has turned doesn't it? When you've been a bit of a meek people pleaser all your life, to have these feelings of 'no, I won't tolerate this any more' but for me, it's learning for it not to be all about just being angry at the world. So I've also developed new interests, a very good friend, I've accepted that my job will never be high earning etc, because actually, I don't want the stress of that.

So, solidarity, is basically what I'm saying

It feels a bit like the worm has turned doesn't it? When you've been a bit of a meek people pleaser all your life, to have these feelings of 'no, I won't tolerate this any more'

Yes, definitely but it came to me much later however it is such a relief to do things for yourself without berating yourself for not doing more for others. Life is so much simpler when you just look after number one.
I am genuinely puzzled by how much it is societal (girls must be kind and nice, help others) or perhaps hormonal. Because I never begrudged my DCs when they were small. As you get older your female hormones drop off.
I am also genuinely puzzled how selfish some people can be by not

oops putting themselves out for DCs or family sometimes.

My younger 2 dcs are still young (primary school age), so I do prioritise them quite a bit...teen also needs support but it is more of the emotional kind these days.

I have definitely been a people pleaser scared of doing the 'wrong' thing and what is expected of me. I'm trying to stand back and think outside of the box a bit...it's kind of learning to undo all the stuff I am 'supposed' to do. If these hormones hadn't have changed, I could have gone on as previous forever.

it's learning for it not to be all about just being angry at the world.

I think I am in danger of this too. It's probably my inner frustrations projecting outwards but I also think you can see a lot more of what is happening in the world.

Balaur

So I've also developed new interests, a very good friend, I've accepted that my job will never be high earning etc, because actually, I don't want the stress of that.

Completely agree, it sounds as if you've been on a similar path to me.

The phrase 'you're a human being not a human doing very much resonates with me. My level of self worth has been unbelievable - through the floor. I thought my confidence/self esteem had been built through a previous job I'd had for many years and became quite knowledgeable in...but in the end I was made redundant/disregarded because I couldn't conform to the new working hours when what I needed was family friendly hours. I think this emphasises not building yourself up too much on external things

I am 48, and I really relate to this

Job
Family
Friends
Family

Re-evaluating it all

Still experiencing peri symptoms and just want to be left alone in a quiet room. This is a bit difficult with two teens in the throws of exams.

I want my life back

Even mentioned family twice

Interesting to hear I'm not the only one re-evaluating everything.

Some things are easier to change around than others...I'm working on the easier to change stuff.

I want to be left alone in a quiet room too chickadeeeee - but no chance. I've had my children later...never thought anything of it until the perimenopause hit now I'm running around after little people plus one teen in the mix. I don't know how I would go to work right now...I honestly don't know how I'd manage it all, I feel like I've been knocked sideways and I can't take HRT. I can't quite believe that at the age of 47, I feel the need to pace myself (not convinced I'm sleeping properly either - this doesn't help).

The sleep deprivation is awful, I wake at 4am most days and don't get back to sleep.

I was hoping for things to get easier but, as you have said, I forgot about the menopause

Sorry to hear you are suffering with sleep problems too chickadee.

Gosh are you me? I'm 47 (on Sunday, happy birthday to me 😖). I love DH but he gets on my bloody nerves like you wouldn't believe. I've got DC of a sorts of ages (5 of them) who cause all sorts of challenges. Had an op so I don't get periods, so I don't even know if it's the menopause? I just want to do a Thelma and Louise and have an adventure. I too have made a really good friend later in life who I love to bits and all we do is moan about our lives. What to do though? Love my job which is a bonus, and I know I'm really lucky, but what is life? I totally believe in the mid life crisis stage and I wish I knew the answers. Sending hugs to everyone, there seems to be a lot of us in this situation judging by recent posts on MN. Ageing is shit that's for sure. We can do this ladies

Just coming back to recommend Magnesium for the sleep problems. I take 400mg Magnesium citrate tablets (the Solgar brand from amazon) at bedtime (God, they're giant, but worth it!) I can honestly say my sleep has improved a lot. It's only been a couple of weeks though. I still wake up sometimes but not EVERY night like before and I get back to sleep quicker.

I love DH but he gets on my bloody nerves like you wouldn't believe.

Yes to this.

I just want to do a Thelma and Louise and have an adventure.

And yes to this. I have had the 'is this it thoughts a fair bit recently' Keep thinking of a couple of retreats I'd like to go on when I've never had a night away from dc before.

Balaur...thanks for the magnesium recommendation - I have been using the spray and tablet form before bed recently and yes, I think it does make a difference.

I'm trying to work on the job thing. I have worked full-time, part-time and then had 3rd dc and it all got too much because work wouldn't be flexible so became a sahm. I want to try and do my own thing before going back down the formal work route. Sat at a desk and busy...but my life is passing before my eyes. I suppose I am fortunate in that to a certain extent I can sit back and think this way - one of the pros of having dcs later means that investments/work/house etc. has paid off (nothing through inheritance and not likely to be). I will only have state pension but covered by husband's pension - he has worked the 'big job' whilst I have got on with life admin, running around after dc etc. Now I want to do something for me...there's something in the pipeline...waiting to see if it works out (I will never be rich doing this!)

Hoping to make some more lovely friends along the way via my hobby.

Iam Happy Birthday for Sunday!