Just that really.
Knee deep in the perimenopause. I can't take hrt.
My relationship is in a mess (not aided by the addition of secret porn - on his part - my husband). No extended family. No one really to talk to in real life. I have plans to extend my social circle once covid eases and have done my best to look forward. I suppose I have just hit a wall tonight.
Dcs of various ages including a pre-schooler. One of my dcs has behavioural issues though never formally diagnosed. I have been a sahm for many years and up until the peri. kicked in, I feel I have done a good job but now it feels as if my patience is just eroding.
More and more, I feel like I want to shut myself away from the family. My husband helps around the house and to a certain extent childcare but I never feel properly supported likes he has got my back - example child with behavioural issues often walks all over me. I never saw having children older as an issue but now with the peri. combined, it is a headache. I have no-one in real life to moan to as most of my friends had children younger and also, most people don't like to moan about their own dcs, I tend only to hear all the positives.
I am waiting for face to face counselling. It will do me the world of good to just pour everything out and try to put everything into perspective. Covid has put pay to that for the time being. Pre-schooler was going to start pre-school soon but I don't think they are taking any more children at the moment.
I love my dcs but the honest truth is, I am struggling to tolerate them with the added element of a relationship that is not really working. I try to do something creative with dcs - read to them and play with them but the truth is, I crave lone time (I have some but it never feels enough).
In other aspects - I have an interesting hobby (and want to form a social circle via this). I am also looking at starting a very small on-line business. It's my domestic situation where I am unhappiest and I feel sad to say this as my children mean the world to me.
Can this all be entirely down to the perimenopause/menopause? I just find myself wanting to be in a different place i.e. children older and in a place of my own which saddens me as it is realistically many years away.
I am not looking to make drastic changes. I admire people who have though, I'm just not in the right place (for several reasons). I don't want to wish time away as everyday is important. My mother was very distant - emotionally. I don't want to turn into my mother as I have worked hard to do the opposite. Being a parent can be a bit thankless really. I am also acutely aware of the grass being greener. Working hard on the happiness comes from within thing - it feels much growth is to be gained there. Perhaps I will feel better when covid eases and I can put some of my plans into action.
I get the thing of nothing feeling lonelier than feeling lonely in a relationship. I want to join a few things and seek out some good company. I think this can be compounded by the fact that people in real life don't suspect you are lonely because of course you have a husband and children.
Sorry to ramble. Just wanted to vent really.