Two years into menopause and still feeling very detached

[BloomingGoodTea]

Hi,
I am 48 now. Periods stopped abruptly at 45 and I ended up, a few months later, developing symptoms of menopause. Firstly, unusual for most women my sexual drive went through the roof (has settled a bit) then hot flushes, not sleeping well, thirst, itching skin. But my biggest symptom is my mood, my feelings...I feel detached. Both my home life and working life have suffered. I was in the same, professional job since graduation but have changed jobs 4 times since my symptoms started in 2017. I love my career but just couldn’t settle and started feeling great feelings of frustration and discontentment. My marriage is practically dead as I’ve been horrid to my husband of 22 years. Tbh, I’m not ‘in love’ with him. He’s 10 years older and we have little in common. Sexless marriage for many years (over 10). I just can’t go near him. I am, however, a very passionate/sexual woman. I’m ashamed to say, since my menopause kicked in and I became as horny as hell, I got involved with someone else. My head was turned in many ways. I feel bad for this but know my marriage has been dead in the water for years. I have been unhappy. I’m not sure if my hormones have changed my mental state - is this possible? I have two children (teenage) and have stayed and put up with my feelings for them but it’s like something has snapped inside of me. In the early days of symptoms I felt very, very detached from life. I was doing things I wouldn’t normally do. My boss, at the time, said I’d sent him 4 pretty aggressive emails and he said I was acting unusual. He actually asked if my marriage was ok - which I said it was (it wasn’t).
I want to end my marriage but have stayed for a long time for the kids. I’m not sure if I’ve stayed too long and my mental subconscious has had enough or it’s the hormones having a drastic effect on me.
I really don’t feel like the same person. I’m still in a professional role. Same job, just different place.
I really don’t know what’s wrong! My mum died in 2015 so I can’t ask her anything. Btw, she divorced my father at 48, the age I am now!! Is this a coincidence?

Has anyone else been through this?

I had a certain amount of detachment and ennui. Like, life is fine but I am sitting on the sofa on an evening wanting to shoot myself. Quite scary.
But I also couldn't stop crying so I went straight on the HRT as the guidelines supported it for me, and I would have lost my job otherwise.
You sound like you have had it really tough. Have you had medical advice?

I’ve been to the GP a few times but didn’t tell them about my feelings of detachment and horniness! I was too embarrassed. I’m very aware it is affecting my life. I was getting palpitations when working nights and struggled with lack of sleep and crazy working pattern. That, actually, was my drive to change jobs but I felt very detached at work too. The GP wouldn’t give me HRT due to the palpitations, which have now stopped since I stopped working nights (NHS).
I’m not sure if my marriage problems have been highlighted and brought to the surface by the menopause, if that makes sense! We are just like friends but my ‘needs’ recently have made me feel very hostile towards him (I have no attraction for him).

I guess the HRT made you feel better? How long did it take?

It's so difficult to tell what is Meno, what is mid life, what is work stress and what is relationship. But if you don't quite feel yourself it might well be the hormone imbalance. Try to talk to gp, if you are anything like me the tears will come. I always cry at the GP. HRT worked immediately, but I needed a little more before I felt properly good again. Then I felt me again, better than me actually! I now run 16 miles a week, swim a mile, sleep well, feel good, don't ache.

@BloomingGoodTea You had what is considered an early-ish menopause- under 45 in termed early by drs. Average age is 51. Your dr was wrong to deny your hrt due to palpitations- these are really common in peri and of it along with hot flushes etc.

You need to get back to a better dr and start HRT. In my opinion . all the moods and feeling awful is s ign of loss of estrogen. You should feel so much better on it.

Tackle your marriage as a separate issue. It sounds as if this is never going to change so you need the courage to leave. Maybe talking to a counsellor will help and give you the courage to leave.

I’m 44 and almost 5 years in to the menopause and I don’t recognise myself or my life from before. I have changed in so many ways I’m not even sure I like myself these days.

That, I feel fine but sit on the sofa thinking what's the point is scarily familiar

It’s just so unbelievable what hormonal changes can do!!

@BloomingGoodTea I totally understand. I think hormones play a massive part in our lives and you are clearly peri menopausal, if not menopausal. Last year, when I was 48, I woke up in the middle of the night every night around 4am in a sweat, seriously anxious with a feeling of dread in my stomach. I’m normally very “together”, had a successful professional career, 4 children, juggled everything etc etc. My marriage ended (it was sexless for years and I couldn’t take that anymore, like you, my sex drive was through the roof ) so took a lover 17 years younger. So far, so classic. That didn’t work but I’m now with a lovely partner 2 years younger and once I went onto hrt patches last September, everything really settled down. My life isn’t the same as before, no, but I totally feel more in control. Hrt doesn’t work for everyone but it worked for me. I’d say: go back to your GP and insist that you give it a try. Good luck.

Wow Paris! We sound so alike! I guess it was you that ended the marriage? I feel like my menopausal craziness has opened up Pandora’s box and pushed my subconscious feelings, about my marriage, to the forefront. I haven’t been able to go near him for years and no connection (he’s 10 years older) so finding myself horny as hell a couple of years back wasn’t ideal!
I think I’ll go back to the GP and ask for HRT but I feel so detached sometimes it’s scary.

@BloomingGoodTea yes we do sound alike. I think it’s good that you’re so aware of your feelings and general health. First stop would be a GP appointment and please don’t let them fob you off! If men had menopause there would be a completely different approach, lots of support etc. But it’s brushed under the carpet. It’s a major issue for us women. I started with a day long women’s workshop one Saturday last summer and armed with the resources I was given I started to read up on it. There are some really good books (Dr Christine Northrop) and websites (Dr Louise Newson), Mariella Frostrup presented an excellent programme on BBC about it, it might be on iPlayer still. Check out Deborah Crowe Menopause Coach on Facebook. It’s a tough time but you are not alone. Most women (not all, but most) go through some considerable upheaval but it’s coming out of the shadows thankfully. Hope you feel much better soon.

I've only been taking HRT for a couple of weeks but already it feels like a fog has lifted. A few years back (mid forties) I got a horrific libido surge. It was really unfunny, unexpected and unwanted. Then I went a bit flat for a while and for the last six months I've been almost unhinged. Lurching from crying because my husband left a dirty knife on the side instead of putting it in the dishwasher, to wanting to kill him because he talks too loudly, to wanting to kill myself because the thought of this carrying on forever was just unbearable. All of a sudden the flat, glum days were the best ones by a country mile. My advice to you would be to try HRT and don't even think about addressing the marital issues until you see how you feel on the HRT.

@BloomingGoodTea I think because you have not had sex since 38 and you say you have been horrible to him since you were 26, and you feel as you do, your marriage is over. The menopause has just exacerbated those feelings and maybe made you face them. I don't think you can blame the menopause for feeling as you do about your DH as it predates it.

Do him and yourself a favour and start planning your separation. I get how you feel but it'snot fair on him to hold onto him- there may be a woman out there who could love him for what he is.

Surely he is just as unhappy?

Good luck

I feel a lot of this. Plus anger. Not libido surge though, mines like a switch that has been turned off, which makes me so sad because I adore my Dh.

I feel a lot of this. Plus anger. Not libido surge though, mines like a switch that has been turned off, which makes me so sad because I adore my Dh.