Menopause or end of marriage ?

[SteelyPanther]

Background - hubby finished work due to anxiety and is on antidepressants and a bottle of wine a day . I have learned not to argue due to his MH, and so bottle it up and get silent and mad. I’m worried that this might be seen as ‘stonewalling’ when the truth is that I just don’t know where to go with it. We can’t talk as it seen as getting at him, and I can’t just let things go.
Anyhow, I’m 49 and get into such a silent rage every month, usually about money. He’s happy to spend and use credit cards, I only like to spend what I can afford.
This month he bought a £250 machine to do a job in the garden that he could have hired at the end of lockdown. He didn’t tell me until the day it arrived and put it on his credit card.
I got so mad and didn’t speak to him, then got to the point where I spoke to a solicitor. 6 days later I’m over it and wondering if I overreacted.
He has a pension income so has every right to buy what he wants, but I wouldn’t spend that much without discussing it with him.
I’ve just discovered that he’s opened a bank account in his name and hasn’t told me.
I saw a GP a couple of years ago and she suggested antidepressants but I don’t need them, I need a husband who discusses finances openly.
How do you know when it’s the end of your marriage, or if you should push on through the menopause years ?
And if you do decide it’s divorce but you want the upper hand, at which point do you tell him ?
Thanks and sorry for the rambling.

From what you have said, this is a relationship issue and not something linked to menopause. Anyone would get mad if they had a DH behaving like yours.

Does he appreciate he is possibly going down the road of alcohol addiction? A bottle a day of wine plus anti-Ds is not a good outlook. Have you talked to him about this or suggested he speaks to his GP about his drinking habit? What is he trying to run away from and blot out with his use of drugs ( alcohol and ADs)?

It sounds as if he controls you and makes you very afraid to discuss your feelings.

You say 'you got so mad and didn't speak to him'- do you mean he KNEW you were annoyed, or you hid it?

You know what the answer is- I need a husband who discusses finances openly.

But it's more than that- he's clearly very unhappy and needs to sort out his own life so he can function as a partner. The way he's going, he's on the way to serious health issues, that will impact on you.

Why can't you bring this up? what are you scared of? is he violent?

I don’t know. I can get irrationally angry every now and again, and I do think it’s hormones. It’s reactions to things that I should be a bit angry to, but I overreact.

I think a husband or a wife should be able to buy what they like with their own money without having to discuss it with their OH, but different if it’s impacting on the family finances. My first reaction to him opening another bank account was suspicion, but then I have a second account that I try to sweep a bit of money into now an again for emergencies, and I haven’t told my husband because it’s not important. It doesn’t mean that I’m plotting to leave or anything..

If he’s not discussing finances at all and you’re struggling then yes it is a serious issue.

You have a husband issue.

I wouldn't be happy with DH drinking a bottle of wine a day. I also wouldn't want him making large purchases without consulting me first (it's what we've always done).

Raise it with him. If you can't discuss it and/or he's not prepared to change then you need to decide what you are going to do. It's not a situation I would want to sustain personally. You only have one life.

OP what really jumped out at me is your line 'I've learnt not to argue due to his mental health.' I had a very similar situation with my ExH. He could never be questioned or challenged about anything because of the effect on his MH. He was also a drinker, so there was the added threat of 'if you upset me, I'll drink more to cope.'

It's a totally unhealthy dynamic, an absolutely shit situation for you and actually not a bad one at all for him. He gets to do whatever he wants as you've 'learnt' (been trained) not to question him. I would get the rage over very specific things too. In retrospect I can see it was the sheer frustration and unhappiness I was feeling needing an outlet.

Do you want to keep living like this? Do you think he will change? Can you have a conversation with him about it, or would that not be tolerated, because MH?

He's controlling you.

You are afraid to talk to him because of his reaction to bringing up issues.

Most women get some element of PMS each month and it can get worse towards menopause BUT this is not a menopause problem you have - it's relationship problem.

He has made you afraid to question him on his behaviour.

If you have money issues, 7 bottles of wine a week = £45? So work that out per month.

Is he retired? You mentioned a pension.
Does he intend to work ever again?
What's the root of his anxiety? has he had counselling or CBT?

He needs to get his head sorted out through his GP who can offer the above.

As a couple
1 you can either go down the route of couples counselling together vai Relate- they do email and phone counselling,

OR
2 you can access counselling for you, to make you get back your self esteem and self worth (it's missing as you allow yourself to be bullied into submission by his behaviour)

Or
3 You can decide it's over and see a solicitor, move out and rent somewhere and get away from this man.

His behaviour is dreadful but he does need help as he's on the way to alcohol dependency if not already there. Have you spoken to him on this or is that another no-go area where you fear his reaction?

@SteelyPanther This has been going on for some time hasn't it? It's not new. Years and years maybe?

You don't need permission to leave a bad marriage. If you are unhappy, start making plans.

I think your DH has made you feel it's all your fault and you can't see what's right and wrong any more. It's not your hormones, - it's him.

Maybe talk to a counsellor to build your self esteem and make plans to leave?

Thanks for your replies.
The antidepressants and bottle of wine a day are what keeps him ‘well’. He frequently says he needs to stop/cut down but never does, and I know he never will. But there appears to be many people who drink a bottle of wine a day unfortunately. That’s around 70 units a week and £200 a month.
We have always been polar opposites where money is concerned. He is happy to use credit cards, I’m a save for what you want person. We will never agree on money, but I feel that he needs to see that he’s retired now and needs to start living within his needs. He’s not that young man who can pick up a few extra shifts and pay debt off anymore.
We don’t really talk as usually I bottle things up, then it all comes out in a rage when I’ve got PMT ! Perhaps a regular chat would be better.
I am a bit of a control freak and would love to be totally in charge of our money, as I would have us living within our means and there would be no large, unnecessary purchases on his credit card, but that’s not going to happen.
Ideally I would live in a house of my own and be in charge of my finances, but we’ve children to consider.
I think the root of this is my desire to be in control of my life, and I think that might be a menopause thing. I’ve heard other women of a certain age mention it.
I’m sticking with him for now, but I have a plan in place if I need it.
I’m not such a fan of marriage any more, it’s far harder to get out of than in to. I wouldn’t get married again.
Thanks.

Thanks for your update.
I am going to give my take on this and I guess it's not things you want to hear :)

You do seem to be minimising his alcohol addiction and so does he.
Even if some people drink a bottle a day, it's not good is it? He is either an alcoholic now- and you are both in denial- or on his way there. 'Keeps him well' - is that a joke he's having? 70 units a week compared to the advised 14. Who's he kidding?

How old is he?

If you have children still at home, is this an example they are being exposed to?

I'm really sorry but your marriage sounds terrible. You are living with someone addicted to booze it seems and who controls you.

He controls the money and he controls you.

What are you getting out of being with him?

It's nothing to do with menopause and you seem to want to use that as an excuse for staying. The reason so many women get fed up with men around menopause is that they have a wake up call (often when the children leave home) and decide they will not waste the rest of their lives with a man who doesn't love them or makes them happy.

What do you get out of this relationship? You sound so unhappy and have other posts going back a long way saying the same thing.

I can't see how this man loves you if he is being so selfish and drinking himself into further health problems and debt.

Is that how you want to spend your life? You only get one shot at it so why waste it.

It's not hard to get out of marriage- the only thing that is stopping you is fear.

Maybe post in the Relationship section for support ?

I do hope you can find the courage to change your life.

I’m not minimising his alcohol addiction. He was in a job were alcohol and socialising were a big part of it.
I have spelled out that he is reliant on alcohol and he accepts it. I will not have spirits in the house as I know what that could lead to. This way it’s one bottle and no more.
Yes, there’s children and they know that what he does is not healthy but it is part of their dad, who they love.
I do not have other posts, I have posted once before.
I am not fearful of ending my marriage, I just know that it will be an expensive and emotional time.
I also don’t want to do something I might regret. The grass isn’t always greener.
As a child of divorce myself I know how upset I was at only seeing my dad once a week and not sleeping under the same roof.

Thanks for your replies.

I don't know what else to say @SteelyPanther.
I could not live with a man who was an alcoholic and who behaved with money in the way you describe, and had MH issues. It might be hard to leave - no one enjoys that- but the grass would certainly be a lot greener than you are living with. You perhaps need to consider the message this gives your children - a son will learn that this is how men treat women, and a daughter will see it as how a woman 'obeys' a man treating her badly. That doesn't mean they don't love their Dad, but as a role model they will take with them , it's not great.

Good luck with whatever path you choose.

My mum and dad stayed together for us children. They sniped and grumbled at each other for a decade. It was not a marriage I wanted to emulate. Once they split up they got on fantastically and are still friends decades later. No point staying together for the children. It sounds a cold, loveless marriage. You sound like you’d thrive without him.

@SteelyPanther, what you said resonated with me very strongly - my situation is very similar, and I'm exactly the same age. My husband isn't alcohol dependent, but terrible with money, has incurred debt that I know of and other debt that he's secretive about, and won't let me discuss this. He makes me feel powerless. Very conflicted at the moment as like you I'm wondering if this is my hormones making him seem more unreasonable than he is! When you said you weren't fearful of ending your marriage, more of the upheaval and impact, was that because you think it will destroy your kids' happiness? Would leaving mean you'd be more vulnerable financially, or do you see the opportunity to manage money yourself leading to more financial stability in the long run? Do you anticipate feeling sorry for your husband after you left and feeling regret? What if your husband agreed to address his finances and the alcohol situation, would you feel like staying with him then, or have your feelings changed permanently? What would have to happen for you to put your plan in place? I'd be interested to know how you feel, turning these kind of questions over in my mind all the time....

Another one here questioning how much is down to hormones. Libido plummeted and then found out my dh had been secretly watching porn (mild stuff). I am against porn - ethics amongst other things. I no longer respect the man I am married to and I think I may have trust issues. All you get when you discuss this is 'well at least he hasn't cheated'. But it couldn't have come at a worse time (I am only slightly younger than you) and I'm not feeling particularly good about myself. I am a sahm with 2 young children. Feeling trapped and pretty much depressed about the whole thing. One of my dcs has behavioural issues and I suppose I lean on dh for support. Same old adage, he is good about the house. Left with a 'Is this it?' feeling. Unfortunately, I have little extended family, just feel I'm living a pretence but feeling powerless...anxiety has always been a feature of my life and I'm awaiting therapy when lockdown eases. If I was a different person, who knows what decision I would make.

I don't think it's hormones per se @user48675. I do think that many women get to an age or stage of their marriages when they no longer wear rose coloured specs and realise it's time to take control and not put up with the crap any more .

You only get one life. Make the most of it even if it means short term upheaval.

@Chocolatefreak My hubby is reliant on that bottle of wine a day, and can go without for a day or maybe two if he absolutely had to, but he isn’t a ‘drunk’. He doesn’t stagger around getting angry or anything. There are many people who drink a bottle of wine a day and don’t see it as a problem. But I don’t like it, and I don’t like my kids thinking it’s normal. He’s said he’ll stop many times but never does. Quite frankly I’m over it now and he can drink himself to death if he wants ! That may sound harsh but years of watching it and false promises gets very boring.
The upheaval and impact - having to sleep in the same bed and share a house while going through divorce, my son taking his side, kids being unhappy with us being split up. As a child of divorce myself I know how it feels.
Yes, I’d love to be in charge of my own finances. It’s one of the thing I dream of. He spends our money on rubbish and it’s one of the problems.
Yes, I’m concerned about regret. You always hope they change, but don’t.
My feelings have changed permanently. I’m so tired and bored of the little lies he tells and the bottle of wine every night. I don’t trust him at all and I no longer love him. We’re just two people living together but I don’t think he sees it. He hasn’t done anything big in lies, just saying something cost a couple of pounds When it cost £40. Stuff like that. I almost wish he’d do something big as that would be an excuse to split.
To sum it up, I think I’ve got to a point in my life where the kids are more independent and I crave being in charge of my life.
I don’t want £200 of our money going on alcohol every month.
I don’t want him spending our money on stuff that he wants but we don’t need. I’m happy to split and then he can spend his money on whatever he wants.
I don’t ‘fancy’ him anymore, and perhaps he’d say the same about me but I’m happy in my skin. I’m no longer interested in ‘bedroom business’ with him. I’ve spent so many nights wanting it while he sat downstairs pouring that bottle of wine down his throat. I’m sure there’s many men who’d appreciate a willing partner.
I just can’t work out if this is how life gets at this age, and if you should just put up and shut up.
I’m far better financially if I stay, but should I stay for money, happy kids and stability.

@user48675
Feeling trapped - yes.
‘Is this it ?’ - yes, exactly.
I think that if you’re feeling this way you should get legal advice. Not necessarily because you’re going to do anything about it, but it’s empowering to know what you would be entitled to so you know if you can survive financially and be independent.

@SteelyPanther Your husband is an alcoholic and I think you know that. Anyone who is an alcoholic doesn't go around drunk- they build up a tolerance but it's a physical dependency, and can't do without. They also minimise the addiction and dismiss their behaviour (to other people) . Saying other people drink a bottle a day is pointless- they are probably addicted too.

Have you thought about talking this over on your own with a good therapist?

You do have a lot of negative thinking going on and you are putting up lots of reasons why you can't leave, which aren't necessarily true, but are in your own head.

For example, if you start separate, you may well be able to live somewhere else, or your DH might. Why would you need to share the same bed? Why do you share it NOW given he is like he is? It must be soul destroying.

At the moment you may not have the income to do that- but could you start looking for more work to make yourself more independent? Or do you have savings that would fund a rental? I've known women your age move out of the family home and into shared houses, temporarily. I knew one who moved into a friend's old barn for a while to get away from a terrible marriage.

You say your son would take sides. How do you know? Surely it must be just as horrific for him to live with parents who can't stand each other and a dad who drinks. This site is full of posts from women who say they only wish their parents had split up, so it's not always the case that staying together 'for them' is best.

I think you know the answer. This is not about hormones. What you do about it is your choice but all I'd say is don't get to 60 or 70 or 80 and realise you have wasted your life. There is never going to a 'right' time to leave, it's going to take courage, but you are clearly unhappy and worth far more than what you have now.
Don't waste your life. It's short and precious.

I just can’t work out if this is how life gets at this age, and if you should just put up and shut up

It's not how life is at your age no. It's how your own marriage is. You know that but you seem unwilling to move to the acceptance and changing it step.

I’m far better financially if I stay, but should I stay for money, happy kids and stability.

No, never. Your kids can't possibly be happy if you are unhappy and they will know that. You are kidding yourself.
^Stability* what is good about staying with an alcoholic who doesn't appear to love you?

You have over 30 years of your life left and the choice is you stay put until he dies.