Sex Drive - Does it always go? Does it have to?

[Starlink16]

Just this really. I keep hearing horror stories. I am 48, 49 this year and have recently resumed an active sex life with my DH, similar age, after many years of no intimacy due to his ED and issues around this. We've finally sorted this out and we are enjoying having sex again. Was really make or break for us. I am of course worried now that just as he has sorted out his issue, my sex drive is about to fall off a cliff.

I worry about this because of some of the stories I read from post-menopausal women on MN. is it inevitable? Are there things I can do to try and stop it happening? Are there women in their 50s out there still having a good sex life?

If you don't want it to go it won't I assume. You only read the bad stuff online, not women posting to say they are still having sex.

Exactly. But is it a choice? Do I have to do something now to help stop it happening?

Hi OP. Feel a bit embarrassed telling you this but I do have some advice!

I went on hrt tablets, felt 20 years younger and well, had an extremely high sex drive for years. They were marvellous. Try them x

I had a good sex drive. I definitely didn’t want it to go. I take hrt and testosterone. It is sadly dead as a dodo. I’ve tried everything.

I'm the same age as you OP and I have similar worries. People don't really talk much about it in real life.
I would definitely take HRT if that's what it takes.

Thanks Guardsman18, don't be embarrassed, this is exactly the kind of thing I want to hear. It does seem that HRT might be something I need to investigate.

MadameGazelleIsMyHomegirl, really sorry to hear that. How old are you do you mind me asking? When did it start to become an issue? I hope it improves for you.

MajesticWhine - you're so right, no one talks about it. I think that makes it more scary. I am the type of person to just get on with things and was very much planning to just sail through menopause and get on with it. But that fear of the unknown really gets to me sometimes and I worry it will make me think/obsess over it more and it then become a self-fulfilling prophecy iyswim. The recent reemergence of a sex life with someone else, as opposed to on my own with no pressure, is now another oh god what will happen there? Plus I need to do something about contraception and really don't know what that looks like for a peri-menopauasal woman (as I presume I am).

They say that there are 80 yr old women enjoying sex.

The reason some women go off sex is down to vaginal dryness (causing pain) and they don't seek treatment.

In truth I think you are over-thinking it all a bit :)

It's more the other way round- some women go off sex due to the discomfort, the rest are getting on with it and don't talk about it!

It's not inevitable after menopause and it's a bit old fashioned to think it is.

Yes I think you're right about not over thinking it. No issues with vaginal dryness so far but have ordered some sylk lubricant just in case

Yes probably old fashioned and tbh I had never really given it much thought - I certainly see lot of older women dating and using hookup sites. I guess I have just been thinking about it more due to personal circumstances and, in my defense, as the PP pointed out, nobody ever talks about it and I have no one to ask apart from on here.

**It's more the other way round- some women go off sex due to the discomfort, the rest are getting on with it and don't talk about it!

It's not inevitable after menopause and it's a bit old fashioned to think it is.**

NO NO NO. I’m really sorry but this is just NOT true.
Firstly the loss of libido is not just about dryness. It’s like the switch in your brain that makes you want, or even think about, sex is totally and permanently switched off. Secondly, you can totally lose the ability to orgasm. Again, not dryness related.
For me and many other women It has been inevitable, despite every effort (hrt, supplements, herbs, visits to specialist consultants...). I am not’old fashioned’!

OP- I’m mid 40s. Things started going downhill late 30s. Before that I could come at the drop of a hat.

I don't think age or menopause as such is much to do with it, unless there's a physical medical problem. There are other factors, like stress, if your happy with OH and still fancy them. Hormonal changes can affect sex drive because it's mother nature telling you you're done with sex! So whatever is the strongest pull I think. Sinking into a middle aged mother figure or keeping that flame going. I think mental attitude counts for alot.

@MadameGazelleIsMyHomegirl Did you have a very early menopause? (If things went downhill so young?)
Sex isn't just about orgasms. I rarely have one but still enjoy sex.

This is really interesting and thank you all.

So I have always been able to orgasm fine on my own, occasionally with DH. Since we resumed things he's been putting in the effort, shall we say, and I have been able to orgasm with him too. I also recently bought a couple of vibrators as I read somewhere that that can help, and yes, they are very reliable. We've been using them together which is new for us and I think might be the way to go. In all honesty, my orgasms have got better I think post children. I had to have a vaginal repair after the last one and, although that has given me other issues, I can now orgasm PIV with DH, it turns out, whereas I couldn't before, so I guess the surgeon knew what he was doing...

Sounds like I may have been lucky in this regard though. Hopefully it bodes well for the future. MadameGazelle I guess you've had medical advice? Late 30's seems very young to suddenly stop being able to orgasm. Was it associated with childbirth? Hope things can still improve (if my sex life can come back after years, anything is possible!)

Sinking into a middle aged mother figure or keeping that flame going. I think mental attitude counts for alot This resonates a lot and I feel like I am on the brink of this. Make or break really and I have started addressing this as I very much want to be in the latter camp. For me this has been about starting to exercise again and lose weight (lockdown stress has had some benefits ....), buy some new underwear and clothes and I am investigating having a breast reduction/uplift. I work FT and have youngish children, 2 still in primary school, which helps as welI think. Any other tips very welcome.

Have a browse on menopause matters site
Some very interesting reads on there

Hormones are the feeder in menopause, when they start to deplete that’s when the issues of problems start

For me it was depression really bad with also gave me heightened anxiety. Sleep was shit
It was only when I started to go on menopause matters site years later I realised that my problem was menopause related, instead of antidepressants gp should of thought about hrt, but because I’d had depression years ago before they do antidepressant route. I couldn’t be arsed to start messing about trying to get hormone levels balanced, as it’s not just put a patch on or pumping gel and rubbing it in.
It’s a lottery, you either get it right or it’s a nightmare
Different people have some different problems but a hell of a lot fit into the categories. Depression anxiety sleep issues
Vaginal dryness , aches. The list is really endless

Have a read off the website, an eye opener