Perimenopause In the Mix

[morningmarigold]

Just wanted to sound out a few thoughts really. Basically, I believe that I could well have recently entered the peri-menopause (mid 40's) but informed that I am heading for earlyish menopause. I have a toddler and a teenager in the mix. It is so, so hard to determine what is causing what but lately I've been taking a long hard look at my life. I feel stuck and quite frankly depressed too. I have just made some enquiries about counselling because I need to try and unravel it all a bit but I am sure the peri is not helping. I want to feel happy again, I don't know whether it is being a full time sahm that is doing it, the fact that I never properly sorted out some childhood trauma and in my mind have underachieved and struggled to form relationships. I recently discovered that my dh had been watching occasional porn (more of the adult tv variety and not addicted etc.) I knew that things weren't good - getting up in the night to toddler etc. and I all I wanted to do was sleep at night but I also feel like my libido has died and in a way I'm hoping that it is due to fluctuating hormones and not something specifically to do with dh. But now I'm questioning everything - my dh who I thought was a wonderful man pre the porn thing, does nothing but annoy me, things that were a minor irritation before suddenly make me want to scream (obviously I don't outwardly) I can't seem to move on from it when many men do things that are a lot worse i.e. have affairs etc. I didn't know the porn thing was going on and I feel like I've got trust issues now whereas before this never existed. My self-esteem seems very low - just as I'm hitting a hormonal phase and I'm finding it very difficult to separate what is what. Saw this earlier:
DH drive me up the wall, I couldn't sleep and nothing was funny. It was wast to think our relationship was over.
Just so fed up. Counselling is a good idea and I'm glad I've finally got around to making enquiries (instead of putting everyone else first all the time). I'm constantly getting a 'is this it' feeling lately and I feel very isolated. I am also feeling guilty for perhaps wanting a bit more when I am lucky to have a dh and dcs.
Not sure what I'm expecting anyone to say. I've tried a myriad of anti-depressants and can't find one that doesn't cause horrible side effects (this seems to have changed too - I have taken them before and it's been okay). I feel like all of a sudden life has got into an awful mess - happy to be a sahm before but now regretting not having an income etc. of my own. Putting everyone else's needs first when you are feeling so blah, is extremely difficult (and of course I have to because I have a young child). I know that happiness comes from within and you can't look to others to provide it, you have to make the change yourself but right now I wish I had a few uplifting people in my life (I have no extended family) and feel like I have a bit of a hole where my personal relationships should be (probably because I am so irritable etc.) Questioning whether I have a longstanding personality disorder of some kind which is being amplified because of the peri. or I've reached the can't give a s**t bit). Blah. Can anyone relate to any of this, though I'm not sure I can make sense of it myself?

Sorry this is going to be so short but in a word or so you sound as if you need HRT. Go to GP and ask to try it. Your symptoms are typical of peri and loss of estrogen.

Read the website of Dr Louise Newson (Menopause doctor) and she covers a lot of stuff around the wrongly diagnosed and prescribed ADs for peri meno.

I feel like I'm on the edge of a mid-life crisis, yet rational enough to know that change needs to come from within (somehow) - if anyone has got any tips about this, I would be grateful. I read this on another thread:
I think relationships can go stale over a long time and in particular when there is a lack of family support and you cannot spend time alone. This is where the doubts set in and a yearning for recognition of yourself as an still attractive person. Then there is the career aspects especially if you have taken time out for children. There are so many things that affect us, so it's no surprising some of us go a bit loopy!...and want to do something outrageous! Goes off to write labels for dcs Christmas presents.
This too shall pass, but in the meantime, I'm seeking counselling!

Just from my own ‘perimenopause journey’, OP. It’s been said it’s a time of life when all your unfinished business rears up and bites you (on the backside in my case). The emotional side of it was tough. I wasn’t depressed, but I was questioning everything. I decided to roll with it, had counselling to address the questions it raised for me. Good luck with your journey, it’s far from easy, but I’m emerging out the other side and it’s not looking too bad so far!

Thanks Crafty, I am so glad I stumbled on the posts about mid-life crisis because so much of it seemed to make sense and I finally fathomed that is had clashed with likely peri-meno. I am looking at my 13 year old daughter with slight envy that she has the world before her (but I am also thinking bits of it aren't going to be easy). I honestly thought I was going insane. The irritability thing has been rumbling for a while but the actual thinking 'what the hell, I want to do something outrageous' is a new one. I can see how this way of thinking can really mess up relationships but my family unit is precious and it is seeing all of this for what it really is and realising that it is more to do with me than anyone else. I'm trying to put my lap belt on and hold tight! Counselling is definitely needed to put things into perspective - I've been resisting it for a while but now feel it is imperative to my wellbeing.

Hi op

There is a recognised phase for many women in peri-menopause where the thrill seeking and slightly dangerous behaviour pops up, usually in a sexual way. Someone more knowledgeable than me will be along shortly but I believe it is related to a surge of oestrogen in a last chance to reproduce opportunity.

For some women it might just be years of not being recognised because we've put everyone else first for so long, eventually we feel like making a big statement just to get someone to notice us.

If it's any help I can promise that coming out the other side is great!

Thanks Dame. Has this happened to you? And if so, how long did this phase last? I think recognising what is happening really helps, I also feel far less alone and I am sort of talking myself down from a myriad of confusing thoughts and feelings. It's odd that I'd never come across this before but then again we aren't particularly good at talking about certain issues are we. I'm beginning to wonder if a couple of my friends of a similar age have experienced this, all that's been mentioned so far is the associated crankiness. I wish there was a support group for this sort of thing, where we could sit around and be open about what is happening to us and perhaps put a humorous spin on it. I can see how this phase could derail someone's life if they didn't understand what was actually happening to them. These online forums have literally saved my sanity and enabled me to get back some control.

Oh, that's so interesting about the thrill seeking and slightly dangerous sexual behaviour. I went through this in my early 40s, then sex drive fell off a cliff literally overnight as I slipped into perimenopause at some point between 41 & 42 although didn't seek help until a few years later as it took me a while to click what was going on and first two GPs I saw refused to believe I might be in perimenopause.

thread hijack over

Hi Stella, no don't worry about hijacking the thread, it's good to hear other peoples experiences.

Incidentally, I gave birth to my 3rd dc just before my 44th birthday = slightly dangerous behaviour? Now it's nose dived but I do crave the attention!