Freeze Eggs or Embryos?

[Ellsbells20]

Hi All,

I’m 35 YO & diagnosed as being in premature menopause at 34. There is a 6 month wait for my NHS early menopause clinic appointment (groan) so that’s not until October, and 3 x FSH & LH level plus 1 x AMH level blood tests indicate my fertility is in dire straights (GP felt October was too late) so I have paid privately for 2 x appointments at fertility clinics.

Both consultants (Lister & CRGH) indicated egg harvesting is unlikely to be effective, but I feel that I need to try at least 1 cycle before I can accept that as final. I have no children.

First, I need to decide if I’m freezing eggs or embryos and I’m stuck: each frozen egg provides a 7-8% chance of a live birth rate; each frozen embryo provides a 50% chance of a live birth rate.

I am in a committed relationship, but it’s long-distance and we’re not at the children point so it’s not an option to use his sperm to create an embryo. It is clear that embryo freezing provides ME with the best odds of having my own biological child, but looking at a list of sperm donors feels so clinical and is not the way I ever imagined determining the biological father of my child. I’m also concerned about the impact of making this decision now on future relationships, and it’s made me question the very basis of why we have children (yikes!). DP has been incredible and supported as much as he can under the circumstances - he’d love a non-biological child no less, his focus is my happiness etc - but I’m acutely aware that feelings over children can change. Or it may not be him I’m having the conversation with in the future. Freezing eggs eliminates this problem and enables me to create an embryo with whomever I choose, providing the eggs survive thaw and fertilisation...

This could, of course, be futile - I may not have any viable eggs left and/or respond to stimulation.

Please understand that I am not against egg donation, adoption etc: I’m part of a blended family which also contains adopted children and there is no less love. This is about a very personal journey about dealing with loss of fertility in my 30’s.

I am really struggling with this diagnosis in general, but this is particularly hitting me hard and I’d be extremely grateful for any advice or views you can offer. I’m brand new to mumsnet but figured this would be a great place to ask the question. Thank you.

Wow, firstly sympathies as that's a very tough diagnosis to be faced with. Secondly, have you directly asked your dp to donate sperm or you don't want to? If that's the case, I think I'd fertilise the egg with donor sperm and freeze as many as I could ASAP.

I'm sorry that you've had this news OP. I was diagnosed with the same when I was 37 and it really knocked me sideways.

It's really tough to make a decision like this whilst still dealing with the grief of the diagnosis. I would go with what gives you the best chance of having a live birth so in this case it's freezing embryos. Using a sperm donor takes the pressure off your current relationship IF your dp is really ok with the idea of a non-biological child.

If you get to the stage where you decide you do want a child you'll want to feel as confident as you can in the chances of success before putting yourself through the process.

Once you make a decision do give yourself a chance to recover from the diagnosis. Talk it over with someone if you can.

So sorry to hear this. Where is the CRGH?

I think I'd try one more consultant for an opinion if you can afford it- my own consultant in London is a top fertility expert if you need one more opinion.

In your shoes I'd want to be really sure that the advice on egg v embryo freezing was correct.

On that note you might also like to join the Daisy Network forum (charity for women with POI and managed by consultants at the C&W hospital) where you can talk to other women and also have access to medics on their site (It's £20 pa.)

There are so many unknowns here- emotional and physical.

Do you have to decide on embryo freezing at the same time as egg retrieval? Can you not go through at least 1 cycle or 2, see how many eggs they gather, then decide on fertilisation?

I think I'd rule out any opinions either way by your DP. HOw long have you been dating?

On the one hand this would be the perfect time for him to commit to you, but if he won't and feels it's too soon, the relationship sounds 'early days'- and if he too is mid 30s, how soon does he see himself having children (if ever?)
Saying he is happy with a non bio child is fine while it's still theoretical. But the reality may be different. he may be saying this now to keep you and the relationship ticking over. (being cynical!) because it needs zero commitment from him- no sperm, no child, no long term relationship- he can walk away any time.

What matters to you most? A child regardless of it's parentage or your own child with a partner?

For me, and this is only my own view, I'd rather be childless than have used a sperm donor. When you have children (I've got 2) you see your partner in them so much and for me (personally) I'd not want them to be anon.

But that is me. How do you feel?

Thank you, helpful to have your views.

I’m nearly 2 yrs in with DP, but feels like we have a number of things to work through before making that kind of commitment. We’re both working through those now, but feels like this has just caught us a little too soon.

Ideal would be that I could go two cycles to both freeze and fertilise, I guess, but I think that’s very unlikely.

Try to talk it through with friends but just get too upset. I’ll keep trying though!

@QueenoftheNights CRGH is Portland St, Who’s your consultant? I looked at Daisy Network but wasn’t sure how useful it would be, so good to have the recommendation.

E

We went through IVF to have our DC and the drop off from follicles to fertilised eggs to embryos was devastating - and even more so if you're starting with low numbers because of POF.

I appreciate the desire to keep your options open re: the other parent, but frozen embryos give you the best shot at preserving your fertility.

I'll PM you with details of fertility consultant. Look in your in box.

The Daisy Network is good but not sure how much traffic there is on the site if you are in a hurry for responses. It is run by consultants at the C&W and they do have forum chats but again might not work in your timescales.

Hi Ells, I’m in the same boat, a bit older than you. I diagnosed with early menopause at 41 and I’m childless and single.
I wanted to get informed about the whole process about fertility treatments, pregnancy with donor eggs etc but I find it too hard for me psychologically, so I choose just go on my life and I take things as they come!

@Ellsbells20

Hi Iv been diagnosed with pof at 34. Im now 35 Iv just had ivf and the treatment was successful and I'm now pregnant. I too was devastated at the news and my partner wanted to help in any way he could and was straight away agreeing to ivf with no notice.

I'm only saying this to be honest, I think you need to talk to your dp asap about having ivf with a fresh transfer. Not freezing. None of my embryos were good enough for freezing as the 'quality' wasn't there, (& I'm so so healthy) so please don't rely on this as an option because mine wouldn't have been good enough to survive a thaw.

If you want a baby i wouldn't mess about freezing anything, you don't want regrets, it sounds like my situation and the clinic told me it's basically now or never. I'd find it difficult but if your dp isn't onboard you could use donor sperm now and get your baby, but the worst thing would be to have regrets about this as it's so important for you.

Good luck, I understand completely