Irrational, tearful, insecure - is it me, them, depression or the menopause?

[KarinaB123]

I would appreciate some advice/support, please. I feel like I'm losing my mind with insecurity, anxiety and obsessive, irrational thoughts just lately. I keep getting myself into a state about things that seem like the end of the world - my two sisters in law don't like me very much, even though I try so hard to be nice, which is so hurtful that I cry all the time about it. One of them in particular is really malicious and I keep imagining them talking about me and criticising me. Seems like if this would go away I would be ok but I'm not sure. It feels like I spend my life looking after others (I'm married with 2 older teenagers) but nobody cares about or supports me when I need it, although my rational mind keeps telling me I have lots of people in my life who care. I called my poor mum and cried like a baby to her this morning. I am 52 but still having periods. Get hot 'episodes' but no sweats as yet. I'm dead against prescription medication after some really serious consequences and side affects some time ago. Could supplements (or any other therapies) help to calm me down and regain my perspective?

Oh I want to hug you but we're on MN and not allowed. I am same age and felt like that all last year. Had a really shitty year for no real reason except that I felt awful: tearful, frightened, put upon. Do you feel absolutely shattered all the time too, as if you're just recovering from flu or have given blood and been asked to run a marathon on the same day?

My NYR was not to get my career or weight back on track or any of the things that slid last year but just to get on top of the overwhelming peri-menopausal symptoms and get some energy and oomph for life back. Stuff I'm trying:
Perimenopause diet: add linseeds to food; eat loads of salmon, turkey, chicken, citrus, soy, almonds. Cut out sugar, wheat, alcohol and cut back on coffee. Drink loads more water.
Self-help. Do something for yourself every day - something small but selfish in a good way - listen to music you love, cook your own favourite dish for the family not theirs. I started to feel really invisible. Too long looking after others' needs.

As to your SILs - just back right off them. Hang out with people who like you and make you feel good about yourself. Recently, I've grown deeply intolerant of people who put me down or drag me down with their whining. Another part of this NYR is to spend time only with the few people who are uplifting. The rest can do what they want with their lives. As soon as you stop caring what SILs think, you'll find they either stop being cows, that they were really, you were just sensitive, or they'll continue to try and you'll feel victorious about no longer giving a toss about them.

That's all great advice (above.)
Lifestyle and diet can help hugely.

BUT..don't dismiss things like HRT if it all gets too bad.
The things you are experiencing are due to oestrogen deficiency- you can still have falling hormones when you are having periods and many cycles at the age of 52 will be anovular- without ovulation.

Modern HRT is not 'medicine' in one sense because the actual products are identical to your own oestrogen. If you do decide to give it a try, avoid pills which are not so effective and are full of fillers and go for patches or gel which gets the oestrogen straight into your blood stream and not via your digestive system.

Wow, thank you both so much for taking the time to post such thoughtful, detailed responses - I'm really grateful. I've just returned from taking my son to uni for the new term and this was just what I needed.
DancingDuck - what you said about last year resonated for a different reason. It was a shit one and hitting all these symptoms was the last thing I needed. My dear mother-in-law died at the beginning of the year (she was always so sweet to me and kept her daughters in check), then my son (19) was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, my dad had a stroke and work has been manic. I don't choose see my inlaws but there are always birthdays etc that we all go to, plus we're all supporting my father in law who is frail and struggling, so it's difficult to avoid them for long enough to get my confidence back.
HOWEVER:
I've ordered a natural menopause diet book
I've bought some supplements
My friend and I have resolved to go the the gym together twice a week
I've registered for a new yoga class
I've booked a massage
PollyPerky - I'm going to see the doctor this week and ask for a blood test and I won't dismiss HRT if it's the only thing that works.
Watch this space and thanks again!

Sounds positive!

Just be aware that one blood test alone is rarely accurate during peri as your hormones vary daily! Your dr ought to do 2: one on days 3-4 of a cycle and one after day 14.

Blood tests are not really necessary- the new NICE guidelines (you can find them online) say that GPs ought not to do blood tests for women your age for meno (only for very young women under 40, or 45.)

Polly's advice about one blood test not being enough is important. I've read that in loads of places. Don't be fobbed off.

Sorry about your MiL. I had a lovely MiL too and my tearfulness began around the time she died, about 18 months ago. Since then DS2 has had 2 severe, life long diagnoses and my mum has had cancer, the stress of which has made her dementia far worse, It's a tough time in our lives anyway, with DC in their teens, all vulnerable as they start their adult lives, and our own DPs getting frail and needy while we are physically so depleted by menopause. So much to knock us off balance. We really do need to take care of ourselves, physically and mentally and emotionally. Like the sound of your plans so far OP.

The point about blood tests is shown here (hope the link to NICE works properly! You can read the entire guidelines in the same link but this is the section about diagnosis.)

www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng23/chapter/Recommendations#diagnosis-of-perimenopause-and-menopause

The point being- it's a waste of NHS resources doing blood tests on women over 45 who are probably peri-meno. Unless women have other symptoms that may indicate other illnesses- ie with thyroid etc- and aren't diagnosed with clinical depression- then peri meno or meo should be assumed.

I was diagnosed as post meno at 52 by a blood test - taken for all kinds of things and my gynae just threw in an FSH test at the same time- but it was inaccurate because I carried on having periods for almost another 2 years.

Thanks - have an appointment with the nurse on Thursday so will let you know. Been feeling quite a bit calmer but still 'on the edge' if you see what I mean. As long as nothing goes wrong or upsets me I'm ok but can't cope if any little thing goes wrong. Also been having bad period-like back pain but no bleeding. I did manage to go the the gym tonight though! Onwards and upwards :)

I'm 52 too, and haven't had a period now for 13 months (which is nice).
I completely agree with DancingDuck re. diet (especially water) treating yourself etc..

It's bizarre how we've all had really difficult things to deal with, in the last month i've walked out of my job (now therefore seriously skint!) had DS1s dad die, and now my brother is awaiting biopsy results for prostate cancer, and my house is seriously seriously leaking and damp (not helping my osteoarthritus)

Sometimes i find myself getting so anxious and depressed over little things, but somehow manage to talk myself around after a good cry. I've realized that having a good blub is almost like a release of tension, and when i start getting panicky about things i concentrate on breathing slowly and deeply.
Like you Karina i would like to keep avoiding HRT, and am managing..I have 2 friends that are on it, and its working well for them, but due to DVT etc in family i never took what was prescribed for me.

Sometimes i'm just so chuffed to still be here alive and still kicking, (having lost friends younger then me) and i'm grateful.. Sounds cheesy but it's true Onwards and upwards indeedy! x

Like you Karina i would like to keep avoiding HRT, and am managing..I have 2 friends that are on it, and its working well for them, but due to DVT etc in family i never took what was prescribed for me.

First, sorry that you have had so many emotional upsets going on lately.

Don't though dismiss treatment like HRT without looking into it, if it might help you. Without knowing the details of your family and their DVT I can't comment, but you might like to know that transdermal HRT (patches and gel) do not increase risks of blood clots. Furthermore, women who use HRT within 10 years of the menopause live longer and have better health than women who don't. There is a 'window of opportunity' for 10 years and also, a lot of evidence that HRT does protect against heart disease and clots.

THis from the BMS shows the research

www.thebms.org.uk/newsitem.php?newsid=66

Hi again. The nurse was quite good - said that it was all classic menopause. She said a blood test was needed to confirm and also rule out anything else (like anaemia and thyroid) then I should go to the GP to discuss whether I was going to 'cope on your own or go on HRT'. No mention of other alternatives. Annoyingly, the book I ordered was delivered while we were out and isn't being redelivered until Saturday.

Glad you got on ok but just to say that NICE has recently told GPs not to do blood tests in women over 45 with peri meno symptoms (unless they need to rule out other things.)
The reason for this is the tests are inaccurate and pointless (unless they are testing for other things too) due to hormonal fluctuations.

Sorry- see that I've mentioned this already!!!
It works both ways though- if you or anyone wants HRT don't be fobbed off by 'your blood levels don't show peri etc' - drs are being advised to treat on symptoms. It's all in the NICE guidelines available online.

Oh Lordy, I'm going through sporadic tearfulness too ... Putting lots of pressure on my lovely husband and doubting him when I really don't need to. He works bloody hard and supports me and the kids so well.
However, when I get an idea fixated in my head, I have to keep pushing and pushing. It's like I'm testing him because I'm just insecure. Glad it's probably the hormones though ... Although I'm only 42 ... Just moved to new area so haven't registered with a doc yet; thinking of trying natural remedies. Used to get evening primrose prescribed when I was early 20s! So I've always been emotionally 'present' but it s it been an issue since our early days together, just worried I'm being an insane cow now!