No Sex please, we're....50?!

[Erebus]

I hardly need say !

DH and I have been happily married 13 years and together, what, 16 years? 2 DSs, youngest 11. I'm 49, DH 51.

I am- well, what am I? Peri-menopausal? Menopausal? Erratic sometimes flooding periods, hot flushes, hormonal and have been for the past maybe 18 months.

Thing is, really, over the past maybe 4 or 5 years, my never-rampant interest in sex has dwindled to nothing! I'd say that over these past 4-5 years, it'd be fair to say I'd be 'up for it' in a narrow window around ovulation, maybe one or 2 days, which is when I tended to instigate it which was working OK for both of us as DH hasn't got the highest sex-drive either.

Just recently, 2 things have happened: I don't dread having sex but I see it as a bit of a marital 'chore' and have to use a lot of lube- I'm just never that interested, but I wish I was!; and DH has 'failed' on 2 of the last 4 occasions- once when we were interrupted; once (last night) when he paused to put a condom on. He has also, of late, been taking ages to come to the point where I'm getting sore.

Thing is, I just about never feel horny any more! Looking at porn doesn't 'do it' (not a thing DH and I do together or would be comfortable about doing. We're not that adventurous, really!) and I don't ever feel I want to jump a passing bloke's bones. And it really doesn't bother me if I never had penetrative sex again!

DH, of course, is feeling his 'issues' more acutely. First 'failure' I discovered he'd been googling Viagra online. I wouldn't want him to go there as, frankly, I don't want an engorged sex-monster trying to hump me for hours on end!

I feel it would be 'nice' if we could maybe get back into regular sex, but when I say that, I do mean maybe once a month! Whilst I say we are happily married I am also aware that it doesn't pay to be smug. DH, like me, is no major catch. I am being harshly realistic here: he is a great bloke, kind, etc etc but is short with a beer belly and pathologically shy, very non-blokey; I'm 5'5" and 12 1/2 stone, so I am also no catch, but that's not what this is about. I'm not scared he'll 'stray' but I feel I owe it to him to 'explore our options'.

This is the thing:

Should he consider a vasectomy so he doesn't 'lose it' when slipping on a condom?

Would some sort of HRT have an additional benefit of restoring a vestige of my sex drive? Is there anything else I could consider, even as a one-off once a month or so?

Please don't go suggesting 'mood music' and massages. We're just not that sort of people! I am also not big on blow jobs or cunnilingus BUT I will certainly do the former as required! I am not seeking to return to the first heady days of our courtship but I do think 50 is a bit young to be giving up on our sex life!

What do you think?

oh dear! I don't think you should take HRT just to make you feel horny.

It might but equally it might not.

I don't want to sound harsh but maybe losing some weight would help- if you are carrying a few stones too many that must be tiring in itself, you won't have much energy or feel confident about yourself, and it's well known that exercise boosts sex drive.

A snip at 51 sounds a bit of a hammer to crack a nut so to speak- no guarantee it will help maybe just put him under more pressure.

I think you should ask your GP for a referral to a sympathetic gynae and see what they suggest.

I'd agree about the weight- maybe for both of us, actually!

I don't think I'd take HRT just for that aspect (AM I right in thinking HRT does boost your desire to have sex?! I'm sort of guessing that one!)

What do you think a gynae could suggest?

A gynae would take your hormone readings via a blood test.
Some gynaes think that it's low testosterone that causes lack of sex drive in women!

Read the website of Prof John Studd- gynae.

It is well known that men who are overweight can have erection problems- the arteries and veins get clogged up just like the heart. In fact it is really important your DH sees a dr for a full health check up as erection problems in overweight middle aged men are often the first sign of heart disease or diabetes.

He should have his weight, BMI, blood pressure, urine and cholesterol checked. Does he smoke?

HRT can make some women feel more horny but not all. I've friends who find it helps and others who find it makes no difference at all.

But if you have other troublesome signs of meno then it might be wroth trying it for 6 months to see what happens. I suggested a gynae because I don't know if your average GP would be happy to give HRT for libido.

Ah, OK re a gynae. I'd think it was a lowering of testosterone in me, too.

TBF, DH isn't that overweight. His BMI would be about 27-28 but he's 5'5" so any weight tends to look disproportionate on him, and he doesn't smoke (and, because of the heart disease in his family he flosses like a maniac!). His cholesterol is a bit raised (which he's addressing). Personally, whilst I by no means discount what you've said about him, I think it's possible his testosterone levels are falling a bit, too- I have to say the body may be weak but I suspect the spirit isn't quite as willing as once it was! But I know he's fed up that he's had his first ever 2 'failures' in his life recently and men tend to take that sort of thing badly ime!

My meno was a problem for a bit but though I am still getting AF, my symptoms have eased. I haven't actually felt like killing anyone, yet, at all! And luckily haven't broken down in floods of inexplicable tears, either. I do try to give myself more than one opportunity to get things done these days, however, in case I am in a 'dark mood' on the first attempt. I know to walk away and try again when I'm more 'up'.

BMI- 18.5-25 Normal, desireable lower end of this.
25-30 Overweight
30+ Obese.

If he already has high cholesterol levels it sounds as if losing a stone or two would be right for him. This alone might cure the problem.

Weight around the middle is the most dangerous of all as it represents internal fat that clogs arteries.

Hope you both get sorted.

Thanks for your help!