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Original poster

Please don't laugh at me...

26 replies

MammaBernoulli · 03/10/2011 16:19

Not sure where to post this.

I am broody and have never felt like this before in my entire life. My son is 10 and I had him at 37. Life circumstances meant that I was a late starter. My pregnancy with my son was difficult emotionally as my then partner didn't want me to continue with it and approached my sister, asking her to persuade me to have a termination. Now, ten years on, I have met the most wonderful man. We married 3 yrs ago. We are happy and he is a fantastic step parent to my son. But, as ridiculous as it seems, I would do anything to have another child. Selfish and ridiculous? I think so. I can only imagine what the experience of pregnancy and child rearing would be like with this man as it was so utterly awful with my previous partner.

Someone talk some sense into me and tell me it's my pre-menopausal hormones messing with my mind! It's made worse by the fact that I still have regular as clockwork periods and at 37, came off the pill thinking I'd be 12 months or more before I conceived, if at all. The actuality was, I had one period and was then pregnant.

OP posts:
boohoohoo · 03/10/2011 16:33

I'm not laughing, I think how your feeling is totally normal. If your still having periods there should be no reason why you shouldn't be able to get pregnant. I'm like you, didn't meet mr right until I was in my late thirties, had a son am now forty one am trying for another. Lots of woman are having babies later now, if you feel your up for it - do! There are lots of 'older' mums on MN, my friend gave birth two weeks ago, she's forty five!

Oops sorry you wanted talking out of it - sorry Grin

GinSlinger · 03/10/2011 16:35

I'm quite a few years older than and I remember having very similar feelings despite having had 3 children - I had a big gap between the first 2 and the 3rd but I still wasn't 47. I think the idea of having a baby is one thing but then you have to deal with the teenage years when you're in your sixties which, to my mind, would be far worse than those sleepless nights.

But in the end only you can decide - but I think I'd be more tempted to enjoy a great future with this lovely man that you have.

starfishmummy · 03/10/2011 16:42

Why would we laugh? I had my ds at 42 and would have loved to have another.
But Gin is right - do you want to have a teenager when you are in your sixties, perhaps to have to carry on working to pay for the teenager, for his or her uni fees, rather than enjoying time with your husband?

But have you talked to him about it?

LaLaLaLayla · 03/10/2011 16:45

You are the same age as me and I am trying for a baby. People just don't age like they used to.

ledkr · 03/10/2011 16:50

I wont laugh either,i completely understand.I met my dh 5 yrs ago after a long unhappy marriage and sad divorce,he truly is the love of my life.I was 40 and had 4 children he was 31 and had none.I had had chemo and told him there would never be any way i coiuld get pregnant.
He accepted this but i always felt a bit sad/guilty and that i was depriving him of something i had done.We talked and talked and i gave him many opportunity to leave but he said if we had a child it would be great if we dont it will still be great in other ways.
So we just got on with it,and travelled and had a nice social life and holidays with dd aged 9. Then last year i was pregant! Big shock.I had our baby girl 8 months ago and am aware of how lucky we are.However,i agree,think hard as i am finding it a bit hard,especially the nights,the pregnancy was ok tho but i also worry about having a teen in my 60's and that i will never really get a break from raising kids.
Why not see your gp and explore the options,mine have been very supportive.What does dp say?

Original poster
MammaBernoulli · 03/10/2011 17:45

Thanks everyone....at least I'm not going round the bend and others have and do feel the same.

DH has the feeling it WOULD have been lovely. He's more sensible than me. He's also 50 and we do have a lovely life together, that would be very different.

But I do find myself gawping at expectant mums and wondering. All the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
MammaBernoulli · 03/10/2011 17:46

ledkr that's so lovely! Can I ask how old you were when your baby daughter arrived?

OP posts:
ledkr · 03/10/2011 18:08

44, i had my first at 17 so both ends of the spectrum. There are many people on mn who had babies far older too.

LaLaLaLayla · 04/10/2011 03:28

Have you older gals thought about using donor eggs?

Thumbwitch · 04/10/2011 03:52

No laughing here. I had my first baby at 40 and am still trying for #2 at 44. not going too well so far but also still have regular-as-clockwork periods, and have actually been pg 3 times in the last 2 years.

If you seriously think about trying it, I recommend the Ovulation Method book to help you to know your most fertile times.

John Travolta's wife had their latest DC at 47, and a friend of mine had a surprise baby at 48 - so it's not exactly impossible!

You can get tested to see how good your ovarian reserve is - mine is apparently pretty good for my age, which gives me hope still - might be an idea to get all your hormones checked as well because if you are perimenopausal (and it doesn't sound like it) then at least you'll be able to get your head around it better.

LaLaLaLayla · 04/10/2011 05:27

Thumbwitch, it's not just about ovarian reserve, egg quality is the biggest issue for women in their forties. If you are having regular periods, yes, you are ovulating, but the chances of carrying a child to term decrease the older you are. It's a sad fact of life.

Oh, and Kelly Preston used donor eggs. Like a lot of celebrities who have had children in their mid-forties. I just wish they'd be honest about it, rather than to give the rest of us false hope.

TheBride · 04/10/2011 05:42

If your still having periods there should be no reason why you shouldn't be able to get pregnant. Yes there is. Decline in egg quality being the first one.

People just don't age like they used to. Yes they do. We just have more ways to get around it these days, but even those ways have limits.

I'm all for positivity but I don't think it's fair to give the OP bucketloads of false hope when the odds aren't in her favour.

OP- I agree with ledkr in that you have to think not about whether you want a baby now, but if you want a stroppy teenager at 65. Also, does your DH want a child? If that's a big fat yes, then go for it, but just don't make it your everything.

sleepywombat · 04/10/2011 05:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaLaLaLayla · 04/10/2011 06:12

TheBride, in my "people don't age like they used to" comment, I was meaning that women are often still fit and healthy into their fifites and sixties, meaning that they are much more capable of raising a child at a later age. This wasn't the case years ago. Certainly our grandparents generation aged much faster.

However, our reproductive ability has not changed. We have as much chance of getting pregnant naturally in our mid-forties now than a few decades ago.

I have got a lot of stick on here for labouring the point that you have a very slim chance of getting pregnant and remaining pregnant beyond your early 40s. Just because your great aunt, or the lady down the road, had a surprise late baby, it doesn't mean it will work out for you. Even using IVF, you only have a 0.02% of having a baby at age 45.

And don't be given false hope by celebrities having babies later - most of them have used donor eggs.

Thumbwitch · 04/10/2011 07:29

Lala, yes I know, thanks. Hence the 3 MCs - rotten eggs.

Original poster
MammaBernoulli · 04/10/2011 09:19

Yes, it's all about the egg quality really, isn't it? And also, men's sperm degenerates, though not to the same extent, with the ageing process.

As for those (generally) male penned articles about selfish career driven women thinking they can have it all, delaying kids until it's too late? I think those women are in the minority. More likely, women in their twenties and thirties are encouraged (or in my case, discouraged) by non-committal men who don't want to settle down for fear that something "better" may present itself a little further along the road. I spent my early to late twenties with one such man who professed to love me. Two months before our wedding I became pregnant. He announced to me in front of his family, that whilst he wanted to marry me, he wanted me to have a termination as, at 28 he wasn't ready to "settle down in that way". I was utterly heartbroken and terminated both him and the pregnancy. I never ever regret that. I was an unwanted child myself, up for adoption though eventually went back to my own mother aged 3. My own father was never there....he didn't want my mum to continue with her pregnancy (me), so I was NEVER going to put MY child through that.

Yes, often I think these young men have the good (fertile) years from us whilst THEY grow up. I know of women in their mid thirties who've had 6 or 7 yr relationships with a man only to find they're not ready to commit....and the clock ticks on!

OP posts:
LaLaLaLayla · 04/10/2011 09:24

Articles (usually in the Daily Mail) are always berating us for something. I personally couldn't give a flying fuck if someone thinks I am 'too old' and being 'too selfish' by having a baby at 47. I am fit and healthy, financially stable in a long-term loving relationship and with an adorable little boy already. The fact that I will be 70 by the time this [potential] baby is 23, is neither here not there.

Original poster
MammaBernoulli · 04/10/2011 09:33

You are right lalalalayla. Bollocks to what others think. You are soooo lucky to have what you have there and good wishes to you with (hopefully) another.

I overheard a conversation recently where a woman acquaintance was giving it large on the subject of the obscenity of "old women" having babies. The "old woman" was no more than early forties. Anyway, this nasty woman, now in her fifties, had met her husband when they were in their early twenties. They'd had a number of years together before in their late twenties, starting a planned family. They'd done it all "properly" as she put it..... Well, lucky her! But some of us don't have that good fortune. For me, Mr Wonderful came late. I didn't plan it that way.

OP posts:
TheBride · 04/10/2011 10:33

TheBride, in my "people don't age like they used to" comment, I was meaning that women are often still fit and healthy into their fifites and sixties, meaning that they are much more capable of raising a child at a later age. This wasn't the case years ago. Certainly our grandparents generation aged much faster.

I'm actually not sure that that's true. At population level, yes, because high incidence of smoking and work related accidents/injuries accounted for a lot of poor health and disability amongst certain sectors of the population in their 50's/60's (esp wc men). However, for middle class women who don't smoke and who don't do a dangerous manual job (i.e. the group of people that tend to have children in their forties), I don't think they'll age any better now than a similar woman 2 generation ago- possibly worse in fact due to diet and booze.

That said, everyone's different BUT no-one knows how they'll feel when they're sixty, until they're sixty. Could be a marathon runner. Could be on 7 different prescription meds with chronic angina.

Thumbwitch · 04/10/2011 11:08

how timely to mention the (mostly male) people who whinge on and on about older mothers (notice they never have a bash at men fathering offspring into their seventies and beyond! Angry) - we had [[http://au.news.yahoo.com/today-tonight/latest/article/-/10397546/too-old-for-a-baby/ this delightful segment on tonight's current affairs programme)Hmm

I would love to turn the clock back and have been able to start having babies earlier - but sadly I didn't meet DH until I was 36 and owing to various factors, including him being in Australia half the year, we didn't start even trying to have a baby until I was nearly 39. There was no choice about leaving it that late - that's just the way it happened for us - but the stupid bastard on the report I linked to would have banned me from having DS because of my age.Angry

LaLaLaLayla · 04/10/2011 11:13

You don't have to justify yourself Thumbwitch, really you don't.

Thumbwitch · 04/10/2011 11:31

Er, I wasn't exactly trying to justify myself to the people on this thread, tbh - it was more of a rant against the stupid bastard on the link I posted.

LaLaLaLayla · 04/10/2011 13:26

Yeah I know, I understood what you meant. I just hate the way we feel we have to provide justification for having children later. Like it's anyone else's business.

Dorje · 29/11/2011 00:29

Whatever you decide OP - take massive amounts of folic acid, and get your Dh to take prenatal wellman multivitamins and multi minerals also. for at least three months before you try.

YOu need to take at least twice the recommended dose of 400ug folic acid per day - that's al least 800. Don't worry about overdosing, as it's water soluble. And I would take a very strong multi-mineral and vitamin supplement formula as well - solgar do a good one called female multiple.

The meno can make you extremely broody as the last eggs are fired into deep space. Good luck with it, however it goes.

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