DH has moved into the spare room due to my symptoms - is he normal?

[duffybeatmetoit]

DH has found the heat I am generating at night (not in a good way) is disrupting his sleep and has moved into the spare room "just until you get through this". I don't feel like we are a couple any more (before anyone comments our sex life was never restricted to the marital bed, but since his departure it has dwindled significantly). I hate it and it is adding to the negativity I am feeling at the moment. I have pointed out that it could be a decade's absence (going on other women's experiences of how long this lasts) which has shocked him as he had assumed it would be short term.

Have other DPs/DHs taken this approach?

I've never come across anyone in my circle who has resorted to separate bedrooms because of menopausal symptoms.

But I do know a few who have separate (single) beds because of other reasons such as back problems . They seem happy enough with this set up.
Maybe worth consideration?

Could you swap your bed for two zip together singles, and have separate duvets so you can each have what you want?

It's not "normal" but what is?

Amelia having bought a new bed last year (before the symptoms hit) the finances won't stretch to replacing that bed. Your suggestion is how the PIL sleep which is partly why I asked if it was normal.

Try two single duvets but in the same bed, that can make a huge difference. If his PIL sleep in seperate-ish beds it could seem normal to your H?

It wouldn't be 'normal' for me but everyone's got a different benchmark. The issue is that it's not something you're happy with and that needs addressing.

Some friends of ours do this. She was constantly hot so kept flinging the window open. He moved out to the spare room after a night when he slept in a coat with the hood up!

I suppose the real issue is not whether it is normal- as there is no such thing- but whether it works for you- which it clearly doesn't.

Are you thinking that your "heat"is possibly an excuse and he is quite happy with less sex?

Lots of couples sleep in separate beds or rooms but sometimes even though there is a health issue, it gives a convenient reason too for avoiding intimacy.

On the other hand, are you trying anything to reduce your symptoms? HRT? Products like Menolieve? anything?

And yes, it can last for years- my mum swears she still got flushes & night sweats into her 70s :(

branston I'm sure he doesn't see it as unusual. The duvets idea had occured to me but he doesn't think it would work as he claims I would just move towards him in the night.

Amelia it does feel like he's avoiding intimacy which is a worry as that's definitely not been the case before. I tell myself that his opportunities for getting intimate with anyone else are very few and far between but it does worry me. I've not been taking anything for the symptoms as my GP has strongly advised against HRT and the NICE leaflet on alternatives basically said they were no better than placebos so once you know that there isn't much point in taking them. GP was happy to prescribe anti-depressants as a way of tackling the symptoms but DH has been taking them for a while and I don't think they have really helped him (and may well be connected to his current reluctance to be intimate).

He doesn't understand (despite me telling him) how much it upsets me, he just tells me that it won't be forever and that leads to me being more down and grumpy and an even less attractive proposition than I already am.

Why has your GP advised "strongly" against HRT? The overall judgement is that it is okay to use for a short time for a few years if your quality of life is suffering.

Do you have high risk factors for side effects?

I think - without being too harsh!- you are being a bit negative about trying out things that could help. Lots of people swear by supplements such as menolieve, menopace etc - my gynae swears by them if people don't want to take HRT. There are also loads of other things such as sage tincture/capsules, black cohosh, acupuncture, etc etc that can help.

There is a huge article on the mis-use of ADs in women as treatment for menopausal symptoms on the website of Prof John Studd- google to find.

As for DH- well, he sounds thoughtless TBH. Is he having an issue coming to terms with your menopause? does he see it as the end of something for you ( both?)

If you DH is on ADs a well known side effect is that hey kill libido- so it is quite possible he is using your menopause as an excuse for his own lack of interest and it lets him off the hook!

I think you need to talk to him again, as well as being more open minded about options for yourself.

Amelia GP says that taking HRT just postpones the symptoms and is very addictive - she says she is trying to wean 70 yr olds off it . She suggested black cohosh but NICE warns against it due to the links with liver damage from taking it. I don't have any of the contra-indications other than getting migraines for taking HRT so that wouldn't be a problem but I have had other women advise me to avoid HRT as it made them feel worse.

Had I not read the leaflet about alternatives I would probably have given them a go but knowing that they are basically placebos does make it unlikely that they would be beneficial IYSWIM. It's interesting what you say about AD's as it seems to be the preferred method of treating menopause symptoms amongst the GPs of people I know. I think I will have to make an appointment with a different GP and see if the advice is different. I'm getting used to the flushes but being so emotional and on the verge of tears is doing my head in.

DH is far more positive about the menopause (sleeping separately aside) than I am and says it doesn't change anything as far as he is concerned, but you're right we do need to talk this through again.

Thanks for all your support

Duffy- I think it's a good idea to read around treatments, but I don't think it's a good idea to dismiss things you have not tried

My gynae who I see privately is well known- has written a book on meno and is an expert on the menopause. If all alternative treatments were placebos, he would know and not recommend them in his book (Your change your choice by Michael Dooley) or to his patients.

The other point is- even if it is the placebo effect, then if it works- great!

I have not read the NICE reports, I admit but like all research you can get contradictory evidence.

Similarly, you seem to be focusing on the negative all the time- yes, some women feel worse on HRT, but I feel great on it and it made a huge difference to me in 3 days!

HRT is not addictive- what your GP means is that many women feel very well on it and are reluctant to come off it. it's not heroin!!!! My gynae suggests a gradual withdrawal over several months, in combination with other alternative preparations.

www.studd.co.uk/hrt.php

I meant to include this in the previous post.

Prof Stud is slightly HRT- happy, but there is a lot of truth in most of what he says in his website. have a good read.

duffy- I was reading this myself and thought you might like to read it- if you click onthe pdf link at the bottom of the page it takes you to a leaflet giving lots of different treatment options.

herbal treatments etc are right at the end of the leaflet.

www.menopausematters.co.uk/remedies.php

Thanks Amelia - I will get stuck into the links

Saw GP today who saw my point that you need to believe that herbal remedies would work in order to see some benefit from taking them, and that having read the information she gave me that said they don't work, it would be difficult to convince myself that they would do some good.

She then tried to get me to have ADs but I made it clear that I wouldn't go down that route having seen the impact they have had on DH.

Finally we agreed to try HRT - finger's crossed that things improve.

Hi Duffy

as already said its how YO
U feel about it that matters, not whether or not its "normal" for others, that said I've had a bit of a reversal of your situation recently, as realise I am over heating, flailing around in my sleep etc & disturbing DH, who has to be up very early for work, so I felt bad he was losing sleep & extra tired due to me -

extra tired also means extra ratty, so a bit for my benefit too & I have been sleeping in our spare room as a result - not every night, but enough to give him time to rest up properly, mainly week days - he has taken offence at this & become quite over sensitive to it in a similar way it sounds as if you have - talking it through got us past that & he was more understanding of why I was doing it -

It does sound as if you & your DH need to have a good honest heart to heart as it might help put your mind at rest.

Also as for alternative HRT - thanks to another thread on here I have just bought myself one of those Ladycare magnetic gadgets - I wasn't really expecting much from it, but HRT doesn't look like a good option for me & flushes etc have gone mental recently & I'm really suffering, so for £20 I thought what the hell its worth a go - I'm amazed that it started to work almost immediately & I've already noticed a huge improvement in my Hot Flushes & sleeping, & even headaches too :) - so I can honestly recommend trying it

Started on the Prempak this morning but had to be brought home from work due to horrific migraine and vomiting. Back to the drawing board. Have to admit the Ladycare thread set my snake oil salesman sensor off but it might come to that out of desperation.

I did have a heart to heart with DH so he knows how I feel but we are still apart.

Not sure this thread is still active but thought I'd try. Started with sweats etc last year. Read a lot about diet and started making linda kearns menopause cake. Its made with soya flour and packed with seeds and nuts. After a few weeks the symptoms disappeared. Haven't made the cake for a few months now but i take a daily soya isoflavone tablet, have replaced dairy with soya and sometimes eat seeds and nuts. Symptoms are now very few and far between. Worked for me but everyone is different

(chiming in to say that Prof Studd is a genius.. He saved me from some horrible hormonal events - definitely take a look at his site)