sex (not explicit!!)

[biryani]

Don't know where to post this, but think "mewnopause" may be a good place. The problem is that my DP does not seem to want sex with me any more. I am not particularly bothered about it, but i think it has affected our relationship and in a nutshell we no longer bother to communicate. We no longer share a bed-his excuse is that his sleep patterns are different from mine. I'm 51 and find that my libido seems to be returning after a while in the wilderness-but should I expect an active sex life at my age? I'm too embarrassed to speak to friends.

That's so sad.. Why should you not need or want cuddles and kisses at 51? Why should you not expect an active sex life?..Yes you should! My XP was totally sexually orientated, at 50.(i am 47)

You say you are not particularly bothered about it, but i would have thought the resulting non communication must be a lonely place?

You are 51 not 91! Surely you don't think that 51 is too old for sex?
I think you need to re-post this in the Relationships forum.
It is not really a meno problem- it is a problem of communication and closeness between you and your partner.

is it possible that your partner has erection problems and is not willing to talk about this- so uses the excuse that you have different sleep times?

Thanks for your comments. The lack of sex genuinely hasn't bothered me, but I just thought he doesn't fancy me any more, which is fair enough perhaps as we've been together for 27 years. I've already posted a version of this thread in Relationships, but not focussed on the sex issue. i just wondered what other mature sorts thought about the lack of sex and whether it may be linked to my age.

What's the question?
Is it "normal" for you not to be bothered about sex- though you contradict yourself saying you now are more keen, or that your partner has gone off you after 27 years?

Are you asking if couples who have been married for ages no longer have sex, and if their partners have gone off them?
Do you really not feel bothered that he has possibly gone off you and it's "fair enough"?
That's a terrible negative mind set!

I am a few years older than you- and have been married 25 years and my DH still wants sex a lot.

My friends' sex lives vary- quite a few don't have sex anymore but that is to do with the fact that they are in unhappy marriages and cannot quite leave! Sex is a barometer of the relationship often. It's not simply age-related.

Without being too personal, have you done anything that has changed who you were- eg put on loads of weight, let yourself go etc etc?

I really think you need to talk to your man about it.

I mean I haven't been bothered about sex in general whilst DD has been young. She's older now and more independent. I suppose I lost my sense of identity as I've been more or less a SAHM but now hope to return to work. My sense of self seems to be returning (slowly!!) and I am no longer quite so distracted by DD's immediate needs and able to concentrate on myself a bit more. I seem to be appreciating men all of a sudden!I haven't let myself go-I've put on a bit of weight, admittedly, but I used to be a size 8/10. I'm still always smart and work out at the gym. Friends of my own age are generally single and I'm just too embarrassed to talk to my younger friends about this, although I've mentioned it to some, who think it's strange. The relationship is, I feel, not happy and the lack of sex is probably linked in some way to a general lack of communication.

Well, well done for feeling that you are about to begina new chapter of your life now that your DD is growing up- that's great!

But what is "strange"? Your sudden re-interest in sex or the fact that your partner is not interested?

If you mean is it strange to not want sex as a SAHM, andnow to suddenly "wake up" to being a woman again in a sexual way, no it's not strange at all.

Have you told your husband how this is bothering you? You need to- and maybe decide if counselling, sex therapy or even separating is the answer.

Agree with cabbage, You must talk to him, don't just leave it..

Talking is the best
At leas try it

You Mumsnetters are so supportive!! I mean my friends find it strange that we don't have sex. I don't think he would go for counselling, he's too proud/stubborn. I find it difficult to talk to him as he sort of blanks me. He'll talk about stuff like what's in the freezer and sell-by dates, but nothing important (or stuff that i feel is important, like why he doesn't sleep in the same bed....) Not sure if what's going on in our relationship actually constitutes a problem anyway-there are lots of positives, such as a lovely DD, a nice home, good health etc.Just wondering if a loving sex life is asking too much??

No- of course it's not too much to ask. I'd rather have that than the nicest house !

It sounds as if you are a bit intimidated by him- and also afraid to speak your mind.

He can't mind read, so you need to talk to him.

It sounds as if you are house sharing,rather then partners..How do you make important decisions together if you only discuss what's in the freezer?

Presumably you must've talked, laughed and of course had sex in the past...What happened, where did that part of you as a loving couple go? To me it seems a bit of a sad situation to continue in, for possibly another 30 years or so.The couples' i know who have separate bedrooms, are a hell of a lot older then you, but they still have in depth discussions(where both views count), still give each other cards for valentines, flowers 'just because'...

I really really do not think you are asking too much!

Maybe you need to do more work on your self esteem?
You come across as if you feel that what is a normal expctation within a relationship , is somehow " too much to ask" for from your DH?

You will always have your DD whether you have sex or a husband, so it's hardly a case of choosing between the two, is it?

We don't make decisions together. He says he's doing something, and does it. We do not discuss things as such. perhaps i am intimidated by him-never thought of it like that before. We used to have so much in common- a similar sense of humour, a love of current affairs and travel etc- but all that seemed to end when DD was born. She was so unexpected-perhaps we invested too much in her at the expense of our relationship? And he has never sent me a Valentine's card or given me flowers and I've never really questioned it, until now! I've never been a pushover in other areas of my life but I feel that I've cut hime too much slack and now finding it hard to backpedal.

I've never thought of myself as having low self-esteem, although perhaps with low expectations of what a relationship should be like. It wouldn't occur to me that he would make these hearts-and-flowers sorts of gestures and he never has, although for years he was affectionate if a tad thoughtless. I accepted this as being just the way he was. Perhaps I shouldn't have!!

It's easy to lose yourselves as a couple when you have children. How old is your DD?

When I said low self esteem I did mean that you seem to have fallen into the trap of next expecting much for yourself.

You can do without the flowers and things as long as he shows he loves you and the relationship is good in other ways- but it doesn't sound as if it is.

Have you thought about arranging a holiday/weekend for the 2 of you and going somewhere romantic with just one large bed- and seeing what happens?

You have definitely lost your way as a couple and it depends how much you want to get it back.

There's no chance he has someone else is there?

Thanks cabbage. DD is just turned 9. I doubt he has someone else-I think i would have found some evidence. I think perhaps a holiday would be a good idea-he runs a business so will probably come up with an excuse not to go as he did last summer!! It's worth a try though. Perhaps you're right also about not expecting wnough-I've fallen into the trap of thinking of myself as a bit of a drudge-I've had other responsibilities such as looking after other members of family who are ill etc so perhaps I have neglected myself a bit.I'm also mindful of the effect a potential break-up would have on DD-she dotes on her dad.