Feeling low and need opinions and advice

[Vanillalatte01]

I've had a lot on my mind recently and thought it might help to reach out anonymously.

I'm 35 and currently studying Midwifery at university. I'm nearly at the end of my first year. I don't have any children, and my boyfriend and I live in a rented flat that we can only just afford.

My only close family is my mum. My boyfriend has family, but they all live in different far-away locations dotted around the UK and abroad, and he's not particularly close to them.

Before starting my degree, I promised myself I wouldn't have a baby until I graduated. However, after spending time on placement and seeing so many pregnancies and births, I'm starting to question whether waiting is the right decision.
By the time I qualify, I'll be 37. I've noticed that many women over 35 are classed as higher risk, and many of the women I've cared for over 40 have needed IVF or additional medical intervention. I know this isn't true for everyone, but it's made me worry that if I wait until after graduation, I might struggle to conceive.
At the same time, the thought of being pregnant during my degree is also daunting. Midwifery placements involve 12.5-hour day and night shifts, exams, and a demanding workload. I'm not sure how I'd cope with pregnancy on top of all that.

My biggest concern, though, is support.
I've always had a very small support network and often felt quite lonely. If I had a baby, my support would mainly be my partner and my mum. I don't have close friends, and childcare costs are so high that I couldn't realistically afford much help while I'm still a student.

I've also struggled socially at university. Friendship groups seemed to form very quickly, and I never really found my place. I haven't met anyone I would consider a close friend, and that's left me feeling quite isolated, anxious, and low at times.

Sometimes I wonder whether it's selfish to have a baby in these circumstances. I worry that I wouldn't be able to give a child the wider family network and support system that I never had myself.

My partner is also 10 years older than me and is currently 45, so he'd be around 47–48 by the time we had a baby.

If you were in my position, would you try for a baby during the degree or wait until qualification at 37? And do you think it's selfish to have a child when your support network is so small?

I knew two people at uni, one who got pregnant and never came back, and another who started when she was a few months postpartum and ended up quitting. They both thought uni with a small baby would be easy but the reality is different. I would strongly recommend finishing your degree. 37 is totally different to 40 from a fertility pov.

Honestly, the sheer number of women who post on MN with relationship difficulties or breakdowns that only became apparent after they had children - who end with I don’t have any family or friends - suggests to me that you automatically put yourself in a weak position if you enter a committed child rearing relationship without reliable outside support.

And it’s so sad for the children, never seeing family friends drop in, not finding themselves regularly in other peoples houses, or out in a group of adults and children, never seeing their mother get dressed up to go out without them and arriving home late at night giggling. To me these are a large part of a child’s socialisation, getting used to being around other people, understanding that your mother is not just your mother. Socialisation helps to build confidence in oneself and respect for one’s parent.

And would you really want to have a child, in the middle of study and training, when you have only your partner? And perhaps your mother, who isn’t obliged to provide childcare.

Also, what happens once you graduate? Isn’t it likely you might have to up sticks and move for a job? That would be much harder if you already have a child.

I would wait. Perhaps you’ll gradually build more of a network over the next couple of years?