Returning to PhD after year out - questioning it all!

[grievingandhurt]

Hi all. To start with I'm not sure what I'm asking and I'm not sure what I'm trying to say but please bear with me.

I've been on leave of absence from my PhD coming up on a year now. I'm due to return to it at start of October and to be honest I'm completely dreading it. The reason why I was off was because my brother died in an accident last September, I had caring responsibilities and I just couldn't cope with PhD on top of everything else that was going on.

My PhD is around domestic violence so the emotional load was just too much for me to handle. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back but if I don't return I think I'll never finish it and I feel like I'm letting so many people down, most of all the women who trusted me with their stories and my supervisor who has been so patient and kind throughout.

I have around 8 months of funding left, all my fieldwork is done, I (just!) need to finish data analysis and then start to write up... sounds doable right? But how do I motivate myself? I'm so lost and I don't feel any closer to being ready than I was 6or 8 months ago when I was originally due to return.

Any tips to getting started again would be greatly appreciated, I know I just need to do this, but I'm finding it very hard to see the wood from the trees at the minute.

Thanks!

I interrupted my PhD for 6 months because of lots of difficult family stuff and caring responsibilities. It was hard enough in the period leading up to interruption and after the long break I was even more doubtful I could manage. But I did it, and passed.

Every single person I talked to found it a struggle and doubted themselves but got there in the end. Think of why you started in the first place. Think about the fact that you were given the place and that your supervisors support you. All those reasons mean that you can do it. If you have done the data collection you are in a very good position. Ask for all the help you need and you will get there. Good luck!

So sorry about your brother

I didn't interrupt but over the 6 years of my part time PhD I had some lengthy fallow spells where I did nothing. It was definitely my responsibility to my participants who had trusted me with their stories that got me to the end though.

When I was struggling I found it helpful to read similar theses to mine (topic and/or method) to see how others had approached things and to give me a springboard to prompt my own writing and to work out how I wanted to structure mine.

Remember, it doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be done!

Thanks both, your replies are much appreciated, it's good to see different perspectives. I know it's not meant to be easy, I just didn't expect to have to deal with so much in the real world at the same time (if that makes sense!)

I'm not good at asking for help but I definitely will - I just have to swallow my pride and get on with it. Hopefully by this time next year I'll either have it complete or be very close.

Thanks again!

I got through my masters on lots of adhd medication and then collapsed in a heap

As you say, do it for those women whose stories you have. Once you start, you will get into it again. I know someone who stopped but it bugged her so much she started years later and eventually finished. So if that's likely to be you, you might as well get it finished earlier rather than later, for your own satisfaction.
It doesn't have to be perfect. You can do it.

The first thing I wrote for my thesis was the dedication page and then I realised it would be such a shame to let it go to waste. Picture yourself in that graduation gown and imagine how you will feel on the day.

Thanks for all your replies. I know I have to just get it done now, and I will stick at it - just feeling anxious and jaded right now, imposter syndrome has also crept back in so it's all great fun here 🤣🙄

You've been through a lot, I'm sorry about your brother.

I know this sounds obvious but.... just start writing. I am a procrastinator until things get dangerously close to the line then write like a crazy thing! Don't be me. In my final year I made myself a promise to write 500 words a day on certain days. Most days, once I got going I'd write more.

Good luck. Think of how you'll feel when it's over.

Sorry for your loss 🌺. You did the right thing in taking time out for yourself. PhDs are a long hard slog for anyone, let alone if it's an emotionally-taxing subject matter. Try and join some PhD support groups on Facebook so you are not struggling alone. You've got this x

Sorry for the delay in replying. Thanks for all the support and advice, you've all been so kind!!

I'm going away for a few days to clear my head a bit and then I'm going to start doing a bit of reading around the more recent literature in my area and hopefully that will help me not feel so anxious and lost when October comes 😊