Feeling like a failure

[nothingformebaby]

I returned to work full time after a stint of being home and working from home during the pandemic - to a brand new field I had no experience of and started a funded masters.

I have two dc close in age, both 5 years and as assignments were due in during the school holidays - I had not had a break in nearly a year.

I was on anti anxiety pills and had had counselling to figure out why I was so low - burst into tears regularly.

On top of this, if I was to fail the course or wanted to leave work due to a circumstance - I would be liable to pay back the course fees.

I had tonsillitis every holiday and was shaking at my desk one day. I was so stressed, I couldn't find print on the computer.

I've left the course and work have been supportive. However, now I'm feeling better - I have feelings of regret. If only I had worked harder or taken a break. I didn't know it was an option. Work said they couldn't extend my work contract - it's also temporary.

I feel like such a failure.

Oh, that sounds stressful. But it also doesn’t sound as if you could have worked any harder. Clearly it just wasn’t the right time for you to take on so much.

Pointless to waste time on regret. For now, concentrate on what you do have. (I know easier said than done!)

I don't regret just feeling very lost and grieving. Not knowing what's going to happen now.

It wasn’t the right time for you. I’m doing a pgdip level 7 right now and I’m almost half way through. I have 3 dc but they were 11 and 15 when I started it and dh is super supportive. I’ve also had many dramatic wobbles along the way. I think it might almost kill me but I’m determined. Once it’s over I’ll never do anything like it again. I couldn’t do it with younger dc though. Mine can be told to go away, make their own food etc and dh can take them out and cook dinners. You’re not a failure, it just wasn’t the right timing for you.