I’m so miserable, stupid, trapped…

[Ruggish]

I’m a mature student taking an online MA to gain a qualification in a field I’ve worked in all
my adult life. I’m working pt and studying pt and have a family.

I put off taking the qualification so many times but am three weeks into my second year. If I get to the end of this academic year I could stop with a PgDip.

I can’t do it. I’ve got formative assessment due in next week. I’ve done the reading but I can’t remember any of it. I don’t understand the assignment. Very similar for the second module I have to do, as in I don’t get that either although I’ve put in hours of work.

I discovered I’ve got a learning disability last year. I am menopausal and feel foggy headed. I have another disability too. I just don’t understand academia. I don’t have time to do all the work that is required. I can’t retain anything. I attend seminars and look at the shared work my colleagues are going and realise I have no idea what they’re talking about.

I feel such a failure. I’ve wasted so much money. If I drop out I’m showing my school hating child that it’s okay to drop out of education. If I carry on I’m crying all the time. If I’m this worked up and fail it seems such a waste.

I’ve got all the help I’m entitled to, talked to all the staff I can. I just don’t get it. I can’t do it. Yet its my job.

Sorry, long self wallowing ramble but I have no where else to spill. Obviously name changed but have been on MN a while. Sigh.

Hi, I'm sorry you feel like this. Could you do the 2 years and get the PgDip?
What field are you you studying.
I think you should do what you can with the assignment, hand it in and wait for the feedback. If you don't pass you can work on what went wrong.
I know how hard it can be, I dragged myself through my PgDip course with a 1 year old and having to do placement. I have been where you are.

If you leave at end of year you won’t be giving up
You’ll be getting a qualification and that should be celebrated
Your learning disability should afford you substantial support?

Would you be able to get that qualification? If you can, then you must be doing decently?

Thanks.

Just writing and getting your responses have helped consolidate my mind. I’m on an MA but that isn’t my aim. My aim is (now) to leave with the PgDip. If I left now with the PGcert I’d not have a professional qualification. If I do the MA it’s just learning for learnings sake.

I’m going to aim for the PGdip but break it down. If I pass this semester I’ll take nexts. If I can do something to hand in for the summative Assesment I’ll do that, it’s better than nothing. I’ll keep plugging away in small chunks.

I suppose I’m petrified of failing, which is not unlikely. I work with lots of people who’ve done similar courses and consider myself on par with most of them. I suppose my ego would take a massive dent if I fail. It’s taking a massive dent already. I feel so stupid. Tired and stupid.

Did you pay in stages? I did a post graduate course for work reasons nearly 20 years ago. Left at PgDip as I wasn't learning anything I couldn't learn on the job, it was useful on a CV but that was it. I was exhausted - about a 50 hour week plus two nights classes plus Saturday doing assignments - which were effing group assignments!

Re the not understanding

1. I know someone doing the same thing I did and it's changed beyond recognition. It's not about business, it's just academic jargon. She is leaving full stop, she won't complete any module. She can't keep putting in the time for no reason.

2. if you have discovered a learning disability, AND you're meant to pay for the full MA, could the new medical news mean you qualify for a refund?

Tbh I felt a fool for thinking the course would advance my career too. I suppose we don't know what interviews I might not have without it, but it was a waste of time and money. Took me about 10 years to let that go!

You sound overwhelmed, not sure I have any valid advice but if you could make life easier in other ways (cleaner, shorter hours at work, annual leave, get signed off) and focus on breaking it down and researching the meaning of it.

Sounds like you’re overstretched, not that you don’t have the ability.

I’m overstretched AND I don’t have the ability .

I won’t lose money by not doing the MA. I hope I won’t anyway! It’s a PG loan which complicates things a bit. The LD being diagnosed in semester one was a huge thing for me. So many things fell into place. I really don’t think I could do a thesis. I assumed I could. I was wrong!

I don’t want a career but just to keep up with all the young-uns I need something. I’m going to keep on plodding.

It is the academic side of the course that I’m having trouble with.

Thanks for listening. That’s really what I needed. I may pop back now and again. Use this as a sounding board.

Ruggish "I don’t want a career but just to keep up with all the young-uns I need something. I’m going to keep on plodding."

I'm wondering what you mean by that. There was a very unhappy chap on my course, he was 50ish and he said he was doing it because he was meeting younger people who had the MA. I was puzzled because his career was already excellent, he was director level. so I don't know why he was fussed about what younger staff members had.

Is it the academic jargon, can a tutor help out with that?

Are you registered with a learning disability at the university and are you getting any 1-to-1 support with study skills etc?

Yes, I’m registered with Learning Disability and I had a one to one last year. I really liked them but first, they’re off sick and second I did everything they said to do and got the worst marks so far!

Some of it’s the academic jargon. Most of the problem is wadding through the reams and Reams of instructions trying to work out what is required. Honestly, a ten page document for one 2k word Assesment. My brain can’t cope.

I also find the criticism difficult. Smith says this and Jones says that but perhaps x is best. Because I KNOW that what would really happen is that whoever has the top job that year would have a feels, hatch a plan, and that would happen. Until it went wrong, and then that would be a learning outcome and they’d have moved on by then.

It’s an information, library, course so to have a higher paid job I need the qualification.

Two weeks after you first posted, OP - I wonder how you’re getting on and how the formative assessment went.

It’s useful for anyone starting out on this path to know there are points when it may all feel like an impossible struggle - but I hope you’re battling through.