How to make yourself invisible when studying at home?

[Pucarbuile]

I posted on the original thread about how I'm finding it hard to get away from my beloved husband and children while I'm trying to study. Lectures are evenings and Saturdays so getting out of the house is harder and I work 9-3 so I'm tied up when the children are at school. 11 years of default parent working round the kids is catching up on me. I'm not sure if/what solutions there are, or if I would just like some sympathetic company!

That sound tough having to do most of your studying evenings and weekends. Earplugs and a huge keep out sign on whatever room you are using is my only advice. Is there no library nearby that is open, either a public one or Uni one?

Yes, I snaffled dh's spare noise cancelling headphones so I pretend to ignore as much as I can, until I catch ds's hopeful face out of the corner of my eye and end up feeling guilty. The institute I'm attending (it's a professional body post grad course) is about 40 mins drive and a small fortune to park so not practical on a regular basis as long as lectures are online. The uni where I did my undergraduate degree is much closer, I didn't think to look up their current access arrangements. If I'm not in the house, the kids can't forget dh is

When I was doing my librarianship qualifications (1960s) there was no where at home I could study quietly. I shared a bedroom with my sister (the golden princess) in a tiny two up two down house. My parents were never supportive of my studies.

Fortunately libraries were then open until 9pm several nights a week so I used to simply stay on for a couple of hours after work. I also did quite a lot of studying in my grandmother's house.

The university I did my first degree allowed graduates to continue to use the library for a small fee - you just had to register. It has far better facilities than the city libraries.

I study quite a lot on weekends and when I have an assignment due my dh tends to take my dd out of the house for as much of the day as he can, it’s been great as they get nice day trips and I get a quiet house. Could you suggest that?

Your DH needs to be stricter about ensuring the children are out of the way. No need to feel guilty, in a sense you are working.

Could you lock the door to the room you are using so that the dc can't get in ?

You need to create boundaries of time for sure and space if possible. If you say right I am studying for the next two hours and then stick to it they will begin to learn. I would even do what one of my kids did during lockdown and made a little sign he popped on the kitchen table next to him saying ‘studying, do not disturb’. But you have to stick to it too and make sure you don’t break your own boundaries.

Ignore the puppy eyes and the Mum guilt....easier said than done!

I had to set clear boundaries when I was working from home during lockdown. DH was working opposite hours to me so the 3 dc were looked after. I realised that NO ONE disturbed him and that he blanked the kids or batted them to me without engaging.

When it was my time to work I took the same tactics and they VERY quickly cottoned on!

So I've only just started studying, but the same principle applies. I am out of bounds, nothing less than blood or a broken limb gets my attention.

Mine are primary school age so still need supervision, but I've clearly marked on the calendar when I expect him to be in charge.

I was really clear with my kids that I needed to not be disturbed and they ended up being so sweet about it. Apparently the youngest was telling his teachers all about how mummy was doing lots of homework. Don’t feel guilty about being firm, you are doing something important and worthwhile. I also had my husband take the kids out at the weekends so I could have some quiet time.

You don't say how old your children are but if they're old enough to understand, explain what you are doing, why it's so important and what you need from them.

I studied for a professional qualification last year and couldn't have done it without the time and space given by my family. I felt bad missing out on activities but it was worth it and they were all really proud when I passed.

I work 9-5 and often I’m evenings too. I have been waking up at 5/5:30 to get in two hours before kids wake up, sometimes revise in evenings after they are in bed if I don’t have to work. Saturdays, my husband takes them out and will sometimes watch a movie with them while I work. I do early sundays until about midday and then spend the afternoon with them. It’s tough but only way I have been able to make it work with a demanding job.

Make your studies a priority, be firm. I only say this because I ended up dropping out for similar reasons. If you don't get peace, demand it. That's how your dh needs to support you. Good luck.

Apologies, I thought I had replied . Thanks for the suggestions. I think fundamentally I need to train myself as much as the family On Saturdays I usually have 3ish hours to myself when the dc are at activities so I really need to knuckle down then. And yes, making it a priority activity, if I don't I can't expect anyone else to.

It occurs to me that no one has said “move out” - and perhaps it needs saying.

It may be that everyone here has tiny children and a husband who works long hours - and no spare money for extra childcare. But, if your children are old enough not to need constant supervision, if your partner is willing to take on full responsibility for the household, if you recognise how valuable your period of study is, if you can afford it - why not take university or private accommodation and stay there for a block of days each week? Maybe you’d only need one or two nights each week. Maybe during term time you would be the one ‘working away’, only going home at weekends, or even less often.

I know it might sound revolutionary - but I do actually know someone who did this, very successfully too. They needed a specific degree to progress their career and, rather than doing a less good, part time course at a university closer to home, (acquisition of the qualification was somewhat time critical) they took a place on the best full time course - too far away to commute. (Think, say, London to Edinburgh.) Full family support and encouragement. Student accommodation (in middle age!), flying home for the odd weekend and all vacations. Full immersion in the course, and interaction with fellow students - without domestic distractions. I’m sure they found this rupture in the space / time continuum challenging. But it was absolutely the right thing to do.

I used to be in a babysitting circle, and it was amazing how much more study I could get done at somebody else's house, where all I had to do was make sure the kids' lights went out at the right time and the kids were on best behaviour. Maybe if you can find someone else in the same boat you can hole yourselves up in a corner at each other's houses...

Maybe worth resurrecting in time for Easter revision and the coming exam / dissertation term …