SOS - Social Obligation Sugar

[JimmyCorkhill]

I stole this acronym from the sugar free club thread but it sums up my problem perfectly.

I have been losing weight for over a year now (first on Slimming World then a mash up of paleo/low carb/sugar & wheat free).

When I began I was like a robot and no one could veer me from my path. I took packed lunches to restaurants, viewed menus in advance, refused chocolate cake at parties...

I have lost a substantial amount of weight but I'm still not quite there. However, I have lost the strength to eat my way when social events happen. If people left me alone it wouldn't be a problem but they don't..."you're not still on a diet are you?" "you don't need to lose any more weight" "just one piece won't hurt" yadda, yadda, yadda.

I have also 'got away' with a few discretions so I have relaxed a bit.

I can justify big events like a wedding or a holiday but I hate how I muck up my hard work with crap like a recent cream tea because I didn't have the guts to say no thank you. I also hate how guilty I feel when for example, a friend asks you for lunch, and not only is it carb heavy but it's not worth the sacrifice (recent example a friend made me cheapy boxed quiche and coleslaw - if I'm going to slip up it should be on something good).

My DH is so sorted and says if people react by guilt tripping me or the endless bloody questions about my diet then that's their issue. But I HATE being in the spotlight and sometimes acquiescence is the easiest path for me.

Anyone else feel the same? All you people who say "I don't give a stuff what people think" how do you do it?

Over the last 6 weeks (and the first half of bootcamp) I have had loads of these 'little' social interactions and it's getting to the stage where I am actually resenting being asked to do things. That's not right. Any advice on how to man up?

Oh, and I don't view this as a short term diet either. This way of eating is definitely the best for me so It's not a case of me coping till I'm at my goal weight. I am going to have to learn to say no for the rest of my life.

Ah, hello, just thought I'd pop on to start the ball rolling, and to say some nice positive things on your shiny new thread

I am sooo hearing both sides of the coin here. I too have robotic 'carbinator' mode that chugs along nicely for ages, and then the right set of circumstances can suddenly render me utterly powerless in that moment. I think it can be down to the pressure from others, some people are basically going to fall out with me if I don't subscribe to their wants and needs. At the beginning of this woe for me (jan) I had an almighty with two of my closest and most supportive friends over my food choices. I didn't know what to say and felt really upset and betrayed and angry. I couldn't argue successfully, and didn't, but I realised that I'm willing to do that, and I'm still not budging. What really helps me is sticking to the IBS route. If I eat that, I get a sore tummy/gas/bloating/the shits. It's partly true, although I can get away with bits and bobs, my guts don't appreciate wheat or carby foods these days. When you medicalise it, people are less inclined to be pushy, but it's a constant issue and it really can get a person down!

I think I am just going to invent some lies along medical terms. I have recently had a dodgy knee, and I know I need to be carrying far less weight if I want to be a runner into my old age.

So my reason for refusing will be along the lines of 'Sorry, this eating plan (NOT diet) is really helping my arthritis and I don't want it to get any worse, so no potatoes or Yorkshire for me, thanks'

Actually so far everyone has been really supportive and I just ignore the odd sneery comment with a little internal smugness at how well I'm doing.

A lot of sneering comes from jealousy that you are doing something about your weight and THEY don't have the willpower.

I can so relate to this issue. For some reason people have always been very pushy with me, trying to get me to eat stuff. I mean, I was stones overweight and people would be making comments along the lines of 'oh you're making us all feel bad,' or 'dieting isn't healthy' or 'don't get too thin' or 'go on, just one.' I don't get to go out much so when I do I also have a helping of 'but I have missed out on so much, I deserve to have fun' etc.

Recently my friend asked if she could buy me an Easter egg. I said thank you but I really would rather not, but on her insistence I said a small dark chocolate one would be appreciated as can eat that slowly. She very kindly bought me these dark chocolate ones stuffed full of caramel sauce. Now it was very generous but saying no to something like that feels awful.

I try to say to people 'not eating sugar/grains' is good for my health and people seem to respect that a lot more than 'I'm trying to lose weight' so I would always recommend saying that. But you need to have sorted with yourself before hand that you absolutely definitely do not want to cheat, and remind yourself why.

I have still found myself mindlessly cheating, but hopefully with everyone's support will get better still.

I have a party this Friday and I think before it I will call on you all for support and then I know I have people to report back to after the evening is through. If that's ok.

It really depends on the situation doesn't it? I'm fine with say, a business event and telling the caterers I need a gluten free meal or whatever because like trash & CQ say, medical needs aren't questioned and are respected.

What I hate, and it's really stupid, is admitting to friends that I'm on a diet or trying to lose weight. It feels tantamount to saying "you may not have noticed, but I'm a fat fuck and choose to address my current, unsustainable levels of bodily self hatred through turning my nose up at your lasagne". It's like if you just go with the flow, they won't notice that you're fat. Sigh. Like you Jimmy it's the questions I couldn't handle. But then, using your example, I hate quiche. I wouldn't be too embarrassed to not eat quiche on the basis that I don't like it, but would be too embarrassed to refuse it on the basis that it's carbs.

I'm glad I'm not the only one

I just had a friend and her kids over and she didn't even want a drink of water. I didn't hassle her. So I don't get why what I eat or drink is such a big deal for others.

I like the medical idea. I have psoriasis and whilst it hasn't gone, it has definitely improved on this WOE. I think that's something I can use!!

Trash I'm sorry you had that experience with your friends. I hate having to explain what I'm doing, especially when I'm not that skilled at getting the details across (but understood and agreed with what I read). My DH keeps rightly pointing out that I owe people no explanations and am in complete control of my diet. It's just that I feel so guilty.

Yes, I have gone along the medical route too. Tablets that I can't drink alcohol with, knee arthritis and possible upcoming op that I must lose weight for. The psoriasis sounds like a great reason.

My eczema has cleared up completely ( only had it between my eyebrows but it's a noticeable improvement.

I generally us the wheat and dairy intolerance line, though it doesn't help with rice and potatoes. I have a potential problem though as we are about to foster a child with anorexia, who has a high calorie meal plan. I think it might take some work to fit this in to how I currently do things, and it's also going to be important for food and diet not to be an issue. It won't be so bad when she is at school, but it's a long time till September!

best, your eyebrow comment really made me laugh.

Jimmy i know what you mean. its tricky isn't it? especially eating round at friends houses. I try and avoid talking about it...a couple of my mates would be bored by diet talk but I think most would be just horrified by LCFH...especially the high fat bit and i have to be honest I am still getting used to that myself. I just don't discuss it and dodge the carbs. your DH is right, you don't have to explain anything. I suspect though that the questioning gets tougher when you're nearer to your goal weight...and the "ah go on" type comments get tougher too. I fancy the medical route..and indeed like yourself have noticed a big improvement on psoriasis patches on my elbows! so will rehearse that line for when i am looking amazingly slim and fab in a few months time....

Had this with sil who complained that dh and I were privately discussing which option on the menu was the best choice. She complained bitterly that it was ridiculous that we were going to diet while out for lunch - I asked her how my food choices affected her pleasure or ruined her lunch - she said they didn't and nothing has been said since. Calling out behaviour like this often works because diet saboteurs are not behaving in your interests and once you state that they get a bit flustered and defensive but it will often be enough to end it.
I am low carbing for health reasons and it does elicit more support that when I have done for weightless purposes in the past....which for many is for health reasons as well.
I've seen an end to a constantly runny nose, dandruff and 90% reduction in my eczema and the beginning of healing for an auto immune condition.

Mind you there is little scientific evidence that this works for all the things I mention above and I have been challenged on that, but I don't care whether it's placebo or biochemistry, it allows me to avoid a life long dependency on surgery and the pharmecutical industry - that good enough! And that usually shuts them up!

I asked her how my food choices affected her pleasure or ruined her lunch

Brilliant!

My God, my dandruff has gone too. That's amazing.

I just say something along the lines of cheese or cake? I can only eat one. Today it's cheese.

It's interesting you say there is little scientific evidence though; there are so many anecdotes all over the web of people's' health seriously improving for this woe. Endometriosis, asthma, fatigue, pain, sleep issues, bowel issues. You don't get that with any other diet, I don't think. I hope it's just early days and there will be research done, because just imagine how much the NHS could save if this woe was the norm. It makes me want to tear my hair out just thinking about it.

I struggle so much with this. Two friends brought cake to my house but I eat low carb. I refused all offers of said cake so they got a slice, cut it into 3 and said lets all have a piece each. I just couldn't say no as it seemed i was inherently criticising them if I did. So I ate the cake to keep them happy?
I need to work on my medical excuses.

BeatrixRotter I was at a friend's house and had taken a cake (DD1's choice) to be polite. My friend cut it up and handed all the children and me a piece. She hadn't asked if I wanted a piece, just presented it. I was so flummoxed I just ate it. I am so caught up with being polite I don't value myself. And it was a bloody awful cheapy supermarket cake too Lesson learned - don't take a food gift. Also, I could have just left it on the side and disposed of it in the bin when she was out of the room....or been an adult and said no thanks (whhhhhhhy is this SO hard for me?)