I don't know what to do next, would appreciate some words of wisdom.

[MrsMorgan]

Brief background. Single mum of 3, split with xp over 4yrs ago, my desicion, right desicion etc.

About a year/18mths after the split he got a flat in the block behind my house and started having the dc on a wednesday evening til 6 and overnight on fridays. I had to push for this as he was very non commital.

He doesn't pay anything for them except the £5 that gets taken from his JSA.

On previoous occasions the dc have expressed a desire to not go, but I have always encourgaed contact.

A few months ago xp went totally apeshit because he thought I had a bloke. He messed the kids around about contact for about a week and actualy tried to reverse his car into me at one point.

We eventually seemed to sort things out and all went back to normal, with making the odd jibe about my personal life.

Then last month I got offered a job that I really want and have accepted. The job means me leaving the house at 6:45 each morning, and as my mum has just moved slightly further away, I asked xp if he'd be willing to have them of a morning and he agreed.

Now in the past couple of weeks I have heard several stories from mutal friends that he has kicked off in public about things, like having to queue, wait longer than expected for fast food and having a go at a shop assistant for closing an aisle to clean up spilt milk. I'm just telling you this as I think it might be relevant.

On wed he came to bring the dc back, and asked to read ds's report. He straight away started kicking off that he didn't want to read all of the crap, and why the fuck had they put in a sheet explaining the national average for SATS, he didn't give a fuck about other peoples kids.
I tried several times to explain what it was all about but I got a mouthful of abuse and then he threatened to drop me in wrt my job, meaning he wouldn't have them in the morning afterall.

So, I then decided to make other arrangements, which are going to cost me about £80 a month but is preferable to having to rely on him.
I told him i'd changed the plans and why and got yet another mouthful.

He came to fetch them last night and apologised for what he had said. I told him that it was too late and I was going to stick to my new arrangment.

At half ten last night dd1 (12) rings me in floods of tears because her dad had had a go at her for something. He was going mad in the background shouting and swearing at her, and she was begging me to fetch her.
I went straight round there and dd1 was hysterical, and dd2 and ds were practically in shock. Xp looked derranged tbh, was absolutly covered in sweat.

I got th kids and left and told him that, enough was enough.

Dd1 and Ds have since said that they do not ever want to go to his again. I have told them that they don't have to. Dd2 hasn't decided what to do yet, but I hve told her it is totally up to her, although tbh I would rather her not go for the moment at least.

This morning I feel like someone has friend my brain. If it was at all possible then I would move because having him living so close is just never ever going to work. Trouble is i'd have to do a house swap and my house isn't in great condition.
Also I can't move too far because I still need my mum to come and have my kids in the morning if I want to start this job, which I do.

I don't know wtf to do anymore. He is trying to ruin our lives, and atm he is doing a good job.

How old is DD2?

I think at 12, you won't have much problems if he decided to pursue a contact order.

I think under the circumstances you've done the right thing. Best not to rely on him for anything cos that gives him power over your life.

I would not allow my children to be left alone with him tbh, I know you want them to have contact if they want, but it sounds like he is not stable enough for them to be safe.

Dd2 is 10, Ds is 7.

Tbh I would be very surprised if he pursues it. He doesn't do effort.

I agree that I don't think he should currently have unsupervised access, if dd2, does decide that she wants to see him.

Ds has just now said that he only wants to go on a wednesday for tea.

His eldest daughter and her son often go then too, so that would be supervised.

Is this behaviour normal for him? I mean, has he kicked off like this before, including the spilt milk type stuff? It sounds very disconcerting.

Yes and no. He has always been very outspoken and opinionated, but not quite as bad as this.

He has now basically got what he wanted. Me with absolutly no life at all. He's won

The reason I asked is that his behaviour has some similarities to people who are really struggling with stress. There's a few things there that are red flags.

It could be you getting a job or having met someone else, or there could be other things happening in his life. However, not wishing to sound alarmist, I think you should speak to your GP or local police about the latest incident. Partly to have an evidence trail if he did go for a contact order or something, but also so your kids know you are protecting them. Not necessariy suggesting you tell them you're going to the police or whatever, but so they know they will be kept safe.

I feel for you, it's horrible when they are forever trying to hold you down. My ex does it, although nothing as dramatic as this. You will still have your life, sadly it's just not as straight-forward as it should be.

Thanx

Tbh my gp would do sod all, and I have been warned againat involving the police as they might invovle SS and I don't want that.

I won't have a life. I know that sounds dramatic, but it has taken me 4 years to even start getting a social life. It is only this year that I have started getting a life, and he has seen that and done this.

My mum is going to be having the dc for me so I can go to work, there is no way I will ask her to have them so I can go off out of a night too.

Knowing I had Friday evenings to myself was my coping mechanism and now it's gone.

Anyway, I am sounding selfish now so will shut up.

As long as the kids are ok then all will be fine.

Mrsmorgan, don#t give up, hes not won yet..you made the right move to make other morning arrangements because its sure not good when these type of men are still controlling our lives! Totally sympathise with dd1, my oldest who is 14 made decision (in similar circumstances) not to go to his anymore and whilst i was worried it would be problematic it worked out well and she is happy with her decision, perhaps you should let your dd decide too. Truth is, your ex is too near but what can you do about it at moment (hope for house swap) and exercise any distance, non-involvment or non-information possible..it will get better if you stick to keeping no contact the priority-good luck1

really sorry to hear this
you have SO done the right thing
don't rule out finding a babysitter for friday nights it may seem extravagant but you will be working and for quality of life it might be well worth it
I pay my next door neighbours daughters occasionally when I need
you still have a life!
also your children are getting older it won't be unfeasibly longer before dd can babysit odd times
don't give up now! his stress is his problem
don't engage with it, just keep dc away as you are unless you are happy with how they will be looked after

Thank's for the posts

Feel a bit numb today, can't decide what to do for the best anymore.

My mum is dropping huge hints that she isn't overly happy about having to have the dc every morning, so early. She already thought that the job was going to be too much, and this was before it all kicked off.

I don't think she will refuse to have them, it's just not nice knowing that I have no real support in what I am trying to do.

is there a local childminder you could ask to do this?
tax credits may help with childcare if you use a registered provider
at least until the tories really get stuck in

Unfortunatly there aren't any childminders around here that are prepared to have children before 7am, most were 7:30.

I need to leave the house at 6:45 at the latest, to walk down the road to get the bus for just after 7.

Atm the plan is to either pay for my mum to get here in a taxi every morning, which will cost around £80-£100 a month OR not sell my car (whole other story) and fetch her myself. Cost will be similar, as my insurance will be around £85 a month.

What's the job? It would be worth seeing if they could be more flexible on the start time.

You're not being selfish - you deserve to go out and have fun, as much as your kids do. I know it seems overwhelming now, but things will come round.

I didn't understand your comments last night:
'I have been warned againat involving the police as they might invovle SS and I don't want that.'

Who warned you against talking to the police? I would not agree. Also, why are you worried about SS? It sounds like you might all benefit from having Cafcass involved. That might sound like another hassle you don't need, but they are there to support you.

Can't remember who said that about SS now, just that if I got the police involved, they tend to then refer on to SS because there are children involved.

Anyhow there has been another row with xp and I have since decided that it is honestly not in the children's best interests to see him at all.

This is the last thing I wanted to have to do, especially as Dd2 does still want to see him, but I do seriously think that he might have some mental health issues.

Feel very shit. I went through all of this as a child myself and it is so not what I wanted for my dc.

Oh sorry, the job is housekeeper in a hospital. I can either do 8-2 or 8:30 - 2:30.

I decided on 8-2 because then I can still collect the dc myself, which is what they wanted.

Argh, I have now got ds crying because he wants to see his dad, dd2 saying she might see him but might not, and dd1 saying it is fine for him to taker her to dancing but other than that she wants nothing to do with him.

This is all being screamed and shouted at me in varying tones, along with tears and tantrums.

I just love the way he fucked up again, yet it is me that is getting all of the shit.

I don't actually know what to do anymore. Nothing I say or do seems to be right for anyone, our whole lives seem to be falling to bits.

I can't help thinking that a move is our only hope of getting all of our lives back on track, but to do that I have to turn down my job offer.

I wish knew what to do for the best.

oh crikey, he knows how to control you doesn't he. Please don't cancel your job , it is really important that you become independent of him and this is one opportunity to make step towards that. Show him you mean it by making it work and work out an alternative childcare. Presumably dd1 can largely sort herself out. If your mum can't help reliably, you may need to compromise on being able to pick them up each day, is there any before/after school club ? If you start the job over the summer that will give you time to take a view on timings and what arrangements you might need when school starts.

Once ex-p knows you are getting on regardless he may start to be nicer towards dc. Has he asked to see them this week ?

Keep an eye on a swap but don't let him drive you out, it needs to be a positive choice. House can't really be that bad now, as you've had interest before.

Oh I want to do the job, I really do, I just feel like I am being a bit selfish I think, and I am pretty sure my mum thinks that too.

Xp hasn't asked to see the kids this week, or apologised to dd1 either so he obviously doesn't give a monkeys. He did turn up to ds's sports day today though.

I really want to start my job, get all of our lives back on track and stick two fingers up at him, but I am not sure I have it in me, time will tell I suppose.

Why on earth would it be selfish? Are you sure you aren't reading too much into this. In a few years all your dc will be secondary age and you will be well on track by then. You've waited and waited for an opportunity like this.

it is not too long til they can be more indepndent.... and the oldest can be left with teh younger ones...
take th job do whatever it takes.

if ex is kicking off in bad way it would not be abd idea to call police. and ahve it reported and recorded. so long as dcs happy with you and there are no concerns about your care of them SS can support you. you should not worry about SS involvement - you have nothing to hide right? it is HIS behaviour that concerns....

Well the job offer may be being withdrawn anyway. Going to start a seperate thread about it.