Lone parent being drowned by needs of elderly mother - help!!

[Seraph2]

Am nearly 50, ex left with someone young enough to be my daughter and then quit this country for 2 yrs. Have been a lone parent for 2 yrs with ds (aged 9). Have weathered all the indignities this can throw at me, but am being swamped by v. needy elderly mum (80 yrs old).

We bought a house with a cottage attached (in the middle of nowhere), when my father topped himself in order to look after my mum (then 69). She was perfectly capable of looking after herself before, but immediately gave up trying in so many areas, because it was easier to rely on me doing them for her.

At first this was acceptable (elderly parent getting used to new area and surroundings, etc), but it never picked up again. I've done everything for her, through pregnancy, morning sickness and lonely first few yrs of ds's life right till now with my husband abandoning us.

Have to sell my house (and cottage) as it's my only asset and need to downsize financially but my mother is kicking up a stink. At nrly 50 I don't want to have to go back to living with her under my roof. She's a total insomniac, awake all night sometimes wandering around, messy, scatty and forgetful, bless her

When I suggested semi-sheltered accommodation (ie. independent bungalow nr a home where you can have access to transport, excursions and an emergency button in yr house I was accused of "throwing her on the scrap heap of life", she's so desperate to remain physically attached to us.

She's as bright as a button mentally (still finishes cryptic crosswords beyond me) and likes painting, but does nothing else. We're 1 stop on the bus from town, but she won't even do that. On the rare occasion I get a space in my life, she has to fill the vacuum with a crisis or shopping (ie. has had mild urinary infection for 3 days now, won't go to doctor despite my urging - will have v. rare 2 days to myself when ds is elsewhere, so guess it'll all flare up then and I'll have to spend hours finding out-of-hours assistance and pharmacies on what should be a day off).

Help, and sorry for the length of this, but am at my wits' end. Love her dearly, but at a distance ! How to deal?!

i really feel for you i dint know the answer she seems to have attcahed her self to you and she needs to be having a life but if she wont go out you need to try to get someone to go round are there any befriending services or charities you could approach or age concern for advice you need your own life also before you go round the bend its hard enough being a lone parent , i admire your strengh but please try to find some time for yourself before you crack up with the preasure , i am sure someone will come along soon with better advice than mine but just wanted you to know someone was here

You've been through an awful lot haven't you? You've got a lot on your plate and you need to get a break. The last thing your mother needs is for you to make yourself ill, and you'll have to try to find a way of making her understand this. You have to do what's best for all of you, and you running yourself into the ground will do her no good. And you obviously have your son to think about as well.

You could phone local social services for their advice (they won't approach your mum if you don't want them to). Even if your mum won't agree to an assessment, you can ask for a carer's assessment for yourself and there may be a voluntary sector carer's organisation in your area who can give you support. Sometimes social workers can be good at persuading older people to accept some help.

You really need to talk this through with someone in rl I think. Take care.

Its saturday morning,Ive worked fulltime all week now would like to have some chill time with my daughters. But I know within the hour my 92yr old mum will be on the phone to ask when I am seeing her over the weekend. She lives in sheltered accommadation near me. Over past 2 weeks I have also been called to casualty cos shes pushed her alarm bell with heart problems.

Yep its hard,Im shattered but she is my mum and I will carry on because I love her.
But with some boundaries,so now I tell her the other things I need to do at weekends,emphasising she has friends where she lives to pop in to see.

Dont live with your mum be definite with her then tell her about options. Sheltered housing is brilliant and believe me the pressures do get worse as she gets older.
Ive had this for 10yrs on my own bringing up children,looking out for mum and trying to keep a job and sanity!

Good luck x

I can sypmathise, my dad is 78 and has parkinsons disaese and cancer and my mum who is 76 is registered blind and my mum is constantly on the phone wanting me to do stuff and wanting to know when i am gonna take her out or when i am going round.
When my marriage broke up i had to move so moved to within walking distance of them to make it easier for us.
My parents are not in sheltered accom but do live in a council bungalow on a small estate where its all elderly/disabled people and they do look out for each other which is nice.
I could not have either of them live with me as much as i love them both. I would stick to my guns and say she has not option unfortunately but to go in sheltered accomodation. She will still be independent but will also have support if she needs it,its not like going in a home.
Hope you find a solution soon cos i know how hard this can be.

thank you all for your advice - nice to connect with others in this situation, don't feel so alone.

I admire you all for your firmness and kindness (FeelingOld so sorry to hear about your parents' situation). Reading all this makes me just feel a bitter old bat in comparison!!

But just as I suspected, after refusing to see a GP all last week, she now wants to see one on Monday. It's my birthday, and only the 3rd time in 10 yrs I've got some time off from looking after ds. She knows this, so why is she doing this to me?? I've spent the last 3 days trying to persuade her to go before, specifically to avoid this. How do I convey this without offending her??

Uti? grounds for out of hours. Tell her it cant wait that long. she may go septic.

No advice long term but maybe thats your birthday freed up.

It really shouldn't be offending her to say 'it's my birthday and I need to do something for myself'. She should be able to understand this and be reasonable about it. (I suspect that the reason she is doing this is because she feels vulnerable and is trying to exert control over things, but it isn't fair on you, it is rather manipulative).

What is up with her? Can it wait until Tuesday morning?

Tell her that you cant go on monday,but if she rearranges at a time when you can take her then you will go with her.
Or see if there is a CARE car arrangement in your area. If you look in yellow pages under voluntary there are lots of schemes like this. I have often had to use them for my mum when appts have been on work days when I cant change things.

You have got to take a stand with her and let her know how much you can take on.She has to take on responsibilty for her own choices. Perhaps you need to offend her for her to realise that you cant be there all the time.

It's definitely worth making contact with Carers UK. I did a course with them a few years ago and it was an eye-opener. There are many people in similar situations and one of the key themes is that finding time for ourselves is incredibly difficult for carers but when the time is carved out, those we care for are surprisingly more resilient than we or they give them credit for.

UTI cannot be dealt with on Monday. You've phoned the surgery and they recommend going to out of hours, their first appointment is Tuesday. Sorry if that sounds cruel but it would be silly to wait until Monday in any case, the anti-biotics aren't going to do any good on the shelf, are they?

So sorry about your dad, btw What a time you've had. It's understandable how she's become so clingy over time but understandable is not the same as acceptable. You deserve to have your life, too.

It's just the monotonous regularity with which this happens - I have minimal free time and a crisis always appears when I do. She procrastinates about dealing with things until they reach crisis point and they'll end up in my lap regardless.

I am really ballsy about dealing with everything else in my life, but find it so difficult to sit down and tell her what I feel - it seems unsympathetic to someone aged 80.

Thanks for Carers advice - will investigate.

I second all that is being said about reaching out for help from age concern, local carers charities and any other support groups that you can find.

Also, although it's some time since your mother lost your father, it's never too late to look at bereavement support, has she (or you for that matter) had any from an organisation such as CRUSE? Try and find out if your local mental health trust has older people's services too.

There have been times when my mother has just completely thought of her own needs above mine or my children.This came to a head last year when my 17yr was very ill with a large tumour. I took 7 weeks off work and my mum seemed to think that I would be seeing her daily.
Harsh words were said and she realised once she saw my daughter how ill she was and then she coped by herself till our crisis was over.I thought I would never feel for her again but we are ok now.
I think that their world becomes small and in order to survive a selfishness comes in.It does no harm to bring them back into reality. If you dont then you will be bitter and resent her demands on you. Also your son will come to resent her too,for he will see the effects on you.

Sorry to hear about yr 17 yr old, Jaffacake2 - hope all is OK now.

Nothing like as bad at my end I know, but my son's asthmatic and have lost count of the times I've had to wake him early when he's been ill and bundle him into a car to take my mother somewhere when he's still in his PJs (too young to be left on his own), and should still be in bed, frankly!

Think you're right about the kind of self-centredness that comes once they're older (and understandably frightened).

Will try and talk this out with her (oh God!)

Thanks Eurostar, but she doesn't do doctors, carers, bereavement support, or bungalows or living alone!

Thanks all.

The carers support would be for you Seraph - not her. Even if it is just someone at the end of a phone that you can talk to about all of this and they can give you advice.

Thanks,yes shes ok now .She has just received good news from a scan and seems clear.
I think it is hard for your son,being bundled into a car unwell to take gran somewhere.Thats not to make you feel guilty,I have done similar over the years.
But somehow its working out who should get the priority for your care.Last year I realised that alot of my spare time was in caring for mum and I feel so guilty that I should have seen my daughter was ill earlier.
An elderly relative is at the end of full lives and my daughter should still have been just starting.
I think I realised that I am not fully responsible for my mum and that she did survive with help from others whilst I was caring for my child.

Jaffacake2, you're right - seems very clear when you put it that way. Good advice, must sort out priorities.

Good wishes again for yr daughter. xx

How are you, Seraph2, and how are things?

This post spoke to me, cos I am also a single mum - albeit of a teenager now - and am taking care of elderly parents (we don't even live in the same country!).

I hear we are the "sandwich generation"

It is so hard, but you must not forget that you have to take care of you and your son, first and foremost! If you get overwhelmed with the care for your mother, you cannot take care of the both of you anymore either.

I feel for your son, he shouldn't have to take a back-seat to your mother. He is at that age now where everything is formative for his life. (the first 5 years).

Like someone said, your mother sounds manipulative, don't let her control your life. She doesn't seem to (or won't) accept that you are an autonomous person in your own right. I'm sorry to say it, but she sounds selfish.

This struck me:
but she doesn't do doctors, carers, bereavement support, or bungalows or living alone!

You have to get out of this mindset for yourself too, there comes a day when she will have to accept this, especially now the housing situation has changed (and as she gets older).

My mother went to a home last year, and this has made it easier on my father especially. Something we dreaded has worked out better than we had hoped.

Wishing you all the best for all of you!