just feeling like a bad mum who shouts all the time..

[sez2068]

just feeling bad!

took ds aged 12 to archery which is held in a field for 2 hours and i have to stay and watch 'for insurance reasons' so dd at grannys and i am bored and cold etc but i take him and i sit there cos i love him.

so at 8pm when it officially ends the others are still shooting and i say time to go and he begs and pleads to stay and i say no so he ends up in a massive sulk nearly in tears

so then i shout at himn in the car all the way home why couldnt you appreciate that i took you, sat there, etc etc etc

and then i say what i always try so hard not to say ' your bloody father is swanning around doing what he likes, going out drinking, and i do everything and its all, dad is great' etc..you get the drift

so then there is tears

i apologised later - i mean, even happily married women say 'your bloody father' sometimes dont they? - and called him my little friend and he said 'who you shout at al the time'

sigh sigh sigh

well his dad is living in a swanky flat in central london, 12 years younger gf, loadfs of money - sometimes (even though i left him for being an alcoholic womaniser) i just feel so resentful!

rant over but i feel like a totally sh*t mum tonight

It's one night. Make a promise to yourself that tomoroow you will let him stay up late and get beaten on the computer game of his choice. And you won't shout.

ha i mean not to shout most days and most days i manage but omg, those pre teen moods - how i miss toddler tantrums

You are entitled to feel angry at your X, there's no need to apologise for your feelings. Every lone parent with an X who fails to shoulder his responsibilities feels like you at some time. I have. My solution was lots and lots of walking the dog (complete with kids in pushchair), while stomping furiously and imagining lots of conversations with my X while I told him everything I ever felt about him and what was wrong with our relationship. Eventually, I realised that although I was the one with all the responsibility and stress, I was the one that had the ultimate reward - the chance of a deep, meaningful relationship with my children. They may grow up thinking the other parent is fabulous because they sweep in and give an expensive present or treat you to a fun day out, but as adults they will look back and realise that the truly precious moments are those daily moments that can never be fulfilled by an irresponsible absent parent - those where you fall over and mum is there to bathe your knee. Your girlfriend dumps you and mum is there to talk about it or just to hold you and wipe away the tears that you dare not show anyone else because you are trying so hard to be grown up and behave 'like a man'. The fact that even when you've been vile, mum still gets up there in the morning and makes sure you have everything you need to go to school. The mundane moments where mum has dragged you round Tesco and you're bored but then you both see something funny, make a joke and have a fit of hysterics. These are the irreplaceable moments that truly make up a parent-child bond and which your XP is missing out on. One day, your son will realise this, and as an adult he will have a relationship with you that far surpasses the one with his father.

That said, if you're really struggling with this, have you considered counselling? While your anger and resentment is understandable, until you have learned how to live with it, it WILL come out again no matter how hard you try to prevent it - probably at your son as it will most likely be directed at the person you spend most time with. If counselling is not an option, any hobby that allows you to channel aggression (whether that's running or painting) may help.

Don't beat yourself up about it. There isn't a parent alive who hasn't snapped and said something they've regretted to their child.