Hi,
I warn you now.....its a long one!
I have 3 children 2 girls aged 13 and 5 and a baby boy of 4 months. My 2 daughters are from my first marriage, I was happy with 2 children but remarried last year and was told, and always knew anyway, that no baby and we'd not stay together.
When I fell pregnant I wasn't 100% about it, feel awful saying that now he's here as I absolutely adore him my husband was v.happy. All was good (there'd always been differences over money but nothing too bad) until my in-laws went to stay with my sis-in-law abroad for a fortnight last summer. They got back and had had an almighty row with her in which she disowned them, accused them of allsorts including abusing her as a child and she emailed my husband to disown him too. It turns out that she was also pregnant. I knew she'd never liked me (for already having children, esp as they were girls - girls seem to be favoured in their family) anyway i think this is what finally made her flip, she was jealous of my relationship with her parents, with her grandmother, her cousins and of course her brother, but I was going to give birth to the first grandchild and great grandchild and that had infuriated her - she accused me of telling lies about her to her mum, not sure where she got that rubbish from as i tried my best never to have to talk about her at all. Her parents put her behaviour down to hormones and the amount of dope she has smoked over the years.
I was asked by MIL to apologise to her DD!!!! FIL said i had done nothing wrong, so did MIL but they were worried about not ever seeing DD and grandchild. They were prepared to pander to her as it now appears they have done her whole life - I wasn't!
Now I think what happened is my MIL laid it on thick with how upset she was the family had been torn apart (by her DD may I add!!!), the sleepless nights, depression she was already suffering from etc... I'm not sure if she asked him to or if he did it off his own back but he def did it to please his mum and pacify his sister........... 2 weeks later he emailed his sister with photos of them as children reminising about their childhood, emails went back and forth of baby scan photos and him saying he was trying to plan a work trip to near where she lived - when i saw them i was infuriated! I told him he should defend me and tell her she was in the wrong, after much arguing i asked him to leave ( I regret this now!) I was 3 and half months pregnant- 3rd week of Sept 2009. He moved in with a couple hes been friends with for years and the wife was pregnant (this was also a kick in the teeth for me, my husband being there through her pregnancy instead) he then moved into his flat he'd been renting out in FEb this year, 2 weeks before our DS was born.
We tried a session of marriage counselling early November but by this time he'd decided after counselling sessions that the marriage was over - the same year it began and after I'd agreed to have another child to keep him!!!The marriage counsellor said he'd have to put me and his family unit before everything else and didn't like the sound of what his sister had done. He did say in this session that he shouldn't do what his parents want so often (hallejuah!! hes now forgot saying that!)tbh he seemed after this session to want to make things work. It didnt as we had a huge arguement. 2 further sessions of marriage counselling in Dec didnt work as he wasgoing for closure and to find out how often he could see the baby. His parents had told me he wanted to sort things out, I was devastated 3 days before christmas to find out he actually wanted closure. Christmas was miserable for me, pregnant with no husband and my girls went to their dads at 2pm xmas day until new years day. In fact I had a really depressing pregnancy, all I wanted was my husband to come back.
I will admit that from month 3- 6 of the pregnancy I was so so angry with him and her, he still refused just to email/call herandsay "look i don't want to fall out with you but you were in the wrong and really upset my wife" I said a lot of horrible things to my husband but a lot of it he saw as horrible but i saw as the truth that he didn't want to hear!
My son is now 4 months and is thriving, he is such a joy and is adored by his 2 sisters too. My husband was at the birth, is on birth cert, has my husbands surname (I never took it) I had my husband stay at my house for 2 seperate weeks when he had paternity leave, stay over at weekends and some nights during the week (it's my house, he'd moved in with me and rented his flat out)when staying over he slept in my bed, we;d have meals out, stay in watching films together and all signs were pointing to us getting back together, weeks went by and my friends were saying to just ask him but i couldn't cope with the rejection, eventually I just needed to know and said to him that i'd been waiting for him to change his mind, he said " I never said i would"
My 5 year old adores my husband, my eldest sees him as a really good friend she can have fun with, having him around so much as and when he chose was becoming confusing for them esp my 5 year old she'd say after school "is daddy going to be coming home tonight?" and it'd break my heart! I told him he couldn't come as and when he likes and straight away he said he'd take me to court. My girls had got used to him not being around whilst I was pregnant and I felt a real need to protect them from more hurt.
I'm still hurting as I feel my husbands sister made him choose, he chose her over his unborn son, wife and 2 adoring step-children, I can't understand why he hasn't changed his mind about us being a family again, we were acting like a happy family and i thought he was enjoying it. I feel the situation with his sister and his mums desire to keep her sweet is what is stopping him also his mortgage on his flat is lower than my council tax!! and he is the best off he has ever been (remember i mentioned arguements over money - he's very tight with it!!)
For the past 4 weeks he hasn't been over in the week, DS is in a brilliant bedtime routine and my husband arriving at 6pm (if he finished work on time) is too close to bedtime and with work commitments he can't guarantee getting here before bedtime. He's also been coming over every other weekend the same that my DD's go to their Dad's. I am BFing and DS will not take a bottle (well max 2oz's on 2 occasions most of which on bib and he's on 98th percentile so he's big lad with an appetite to match!) My husband has taken him out on his own and has babysat in the evening but I've never been more than 10 mins away from him due to him poss needing a feed. He's also been over on the other weekends and seen my DD's but only for a couple of hours.
I have had my in-laws over quite a few times up until 4 weeks ago, I had stayed at theirs with my husband and all the children when DS was a few weeks old but 4 weeks ago they invited themselves over twice within 5 days and outstayed their welcome both times including staying in my house with my husband when DS was fast asleep after I'd gone out with a friend which i just found very rude esp as my MIL had stayed at mine the night before (invited herself to!) and FIL had joined us that afternoon. The next morning I said to my husband what is wrong with your parents only seeing our DS once a month? and that they'd have to see him on his weekends.
last week a Solicitors letter arrived, he's not happy, or his mum isn't! the letter was 3 pages long and awful, very offensive he wants our son to have formula as if he's waking for feeds in the night my milk isn't sufficient....HES ON THE 98TH PERCENTILE!!!! I've breastfed 3 children and he's the expert???? He wants DS 1 week a month and weekends so 9 days consecutively and another weekend and wants him for 15 days in September when he'll only be 6 months old and I'll still be BF'ing!He also wants 2x 1 week hols and 1 x 2 week hols but these would fall along the 9 days at some point surely? hes accused me of only breastfeeding to spite him, said i'm making contact difficult, questioned if i drink alcohol (i do have an occasional drink and he has often brought wine to my house for us!!) He is basically trying to force me to stop breastfeeding and that makes me sad but also quite angry. I did it for both my daughters and i remeber him once saying people who bottle feed are lazy! see - he acts like he knows everything about babies but comes out with some real BS.
The problems have only begun since i said i wouldn't have his parents keep coming over and outstaying their welcome. THe solicitors letter says his mum is retiring and will be there to help during the week and he can work at home. This is utter rubbish, he goes away a fair bit with work for 2 nights usually, he can hardly ever work at home and there is no way he could for 5 days, his mum is desperate to get her hands on my son, sorry there is no other way to word it. She is retiring this month and has said how bored she'd be and my husband always said how long she'd waited to be a grandma. My DS would spend hardly any of the mon-fri with my husband but with his mum, and he could be away for up to 72 hours of that, the MIL doesnt live local to him, she'd have to stay over in his small flat as she'd have 3 motorways to go on including the M25 so couldn't guarantee being on time.
His Mum did not encourage him to sort his marriage out, tried to encourage me to move nearer my parents 130 miles away whilst pregnant - because she wanted to maintain a realtionship with her daughter esp as she was pregnant and living so far away, its the only way she could see her other grandson, she knew if me and her son weren't living together she'd still see my DS as her son would have contact and now shes encouraging him to try for 9 consectutive days so she can look after my DS for 5 of them!!!!!!She said whilst I was pregnant via my solicitor that she wanted to look after my DS 2 days a week if i went back to work, so of course it looks like this has prehaps been her plan all along! oh and the Sept 15days I believe is because my sis-in-law is visiting/they are visiting her so I'm also expected to give up BF'ing to please his family!!!???and possibly have my 6 month old son be 4,000miles away from me for 2 weeks!
I would really like him to see our DS the times the girls see their dad, it makes sense to me and when DS is older and stays for a week I'd like that to be at the same times as much as possible. This is so my 5 year old doesnt feel left out, like i say she adores my husband but of course already gets a bit jealous of her baby brother as is normal. 3 weekends would mean hardly ever seeing my parents that my DD's have a fantastic relationship with and my DS will hopefully have too - I don't want him feeling left out from that relationship. And don't I have a right to time at weekends with all my kids together?
What I need help with is.....
Would a judge split the kids up for 9 consecutive days every month? I think 9 days is far too long for a baby anyway, he's too far for this to continue into school years.
Would a judge be happy with my DS being with his mum so much and not him? I haven't said but i don't work.
What age does overnight contact usually start?
Surely a judge would take into account my husband never living with my son so the bond needs to be built up?
Do judges take in to account contact orders that are already in place? (alternate weekends and 3 x 1 week holidays and a 2 week holiday is in place for my DD's - contact order is in place as had to go to court due to my ex's drink problem - another story!)
The 15 days in sept I cannot see happening, at 6 months its of no benefit for him to meet extended family or have a holiday, it would be for their benefit only.
Before people respond with "he has a right etc..." I am fully aware he does, I'm not stopping him, i was more than reasonable in the first 12 weeks letting him stay whenever he liked but that could not go on forever. I want something in place that means my son doesnt feel pushed away from me and his sisters, that my 5yr old DD isn't heartbroken that her baby brother is away from her for long periods of time and staying with who she sees as her Daddy. I don't want my DS to feel pushed out of the great realtionship my parents have with their grandkids, I am thinking of all my children equally here. My 13 yr old DD has lots of friends and lots going on but will still feel a huge gap if her brother isn't here for long periods of time. If my DS is going to be looked after by grandma who is blatantly manipulative like her daughter athen its not quality time with his dad, he prob wouldn't get back for bedtime most nights (he's had to stay until 9pm before)and only be able to work at home 1 day and most of that he'd be on the phone!(I am saying this from experience of my husbands work and since we split his work load has increased)Also Grandma would do things her way, try to overule me and his dad.
What also upsets me is my husband would be prepared to take my baby son away from me and his sisters for all that time knowing he'd hardly see him, just to please his Mum. Can he not see that is not in DS's best interest?
I feel like i've been treated like a surrogate mother by his family!
anyones experience on a similar situation would be appreciated....
thanks!