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Original poster

the crash happened

11 replies

Ezma · 05/07/2010 12:10

A couple of months ago I posted on here saying that it felt strange that I was feeling in such a good place after everything that has happened to me after the last 12 months.

Well, the crash has happened and it's worse than it's ever been before. Not sure what has triggered it, probably a combination of things with main thing being probability of being made redundant a second time within a year.

Sat here at my desk, crying, just don't know what to do and I just can't cope with this any more. Feel as if all the fight has completely gone out of me and what is the point anyway.

Sorry for sounding maudlin and I'm not expecting replies, just needed to say it somewhere as I'd probably sound even more crazy saying it in RL especially to work colleagues who don't really know me.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 05/07/2010 12:12

do you mean you are depressed?

Original poster
Ezma · 05/07/2010 12:14

I have no idea tbh. Just want to cry all the time, slightest thing triggers it and I'm finding it impossible to cope with even the slightest amount of pressure or responsibility. Feel as if I'm on a constant knife edge.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 05/07/2010 12:18

when do you expect to hear about possible redundancies?
Please talk to someone - friend? GP?

Original poster
Ezma · 05/07/2010 12:22

Its not even been said that there will be, just general talk about how there are going to be cutbacks made by clients and no new instructions for next few months which in turn means less work for the company I work for. I'm much more sensitive to it all as it's already happened to me before and it just seems as if this talk is the precursor to them announcing redundancies. I'm still the newbie so especially vulnerable. Don't want to talk to friends as they all have a lot of their own stuff to deal with and they've had to deal with me for long enough as it is. Have thought about GP but I'm worried about missing work for yet another doctor's appointment especially as had to take time off last week as DS was ill.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 05/07/2010 13:11

bumping for you as I don't know what to suggest, sorry

Dominique07 · 05/07/2010 16:28

Do you eat properly?
Get enough sleep?
Fresh air and exercise?
I don't think it will fix any possible redundancy but maybe you should try to give yourself a chance to recharge a bit?

cheerfulvicky · 05/07/2010 19:49

You sound like you're suffering from stress. I found taking 20-30 minutes or more a day to just do something nice for myself really helped. I was miserable and not really enjoying life but just enduring it, but things are slowly getting better. Also trying to cut down on playing out my fears and worries in my head; giving them time but not lots of time, and then mentally changing the subject. Otherwise I worked myself up into a gibbering wreck of what ifs.

And definitely feel free to post here on MN as much as possible of course, especially if you don't have a RL friend to confide in and your workmates are busy with their own stuff.

Recently I have just wanted someone to come along and say 'everything is being taken care of you can rest now. Don't be afraid anymore'. It's a very lonely place to be But it will get better, I promise; life does get better than this.

Original poster
Ezma · 07/07/2010 15:44

sorry, have been too caught up in myself to even post on here. I find that I cut myself off from other people when I am like this. I want to talk but I know that if I do then I'll completely break down which will take people by surprise as they think I've been coping really well with everything and I'm also conscious of the fact that other people have their own, equally problematic (if not more so) issues to deal with. I have been really tired recently but no amount of sleep seems to make it better. Eating, well I could probably do with making an effort but between working ft and then looking after DS (2.2) I usually can't be bothered to do anything more than eiher eat DS's left overs or grab a bowl of cereal. Not much better at work. All just seems too much effort. Have only just started to be able to go back to the gym as DS has just been ill for the past week. I really felt as if I had it all coming together but then I've slowly realised that it's all a big sham and all I've done is construct a very clever facade behind which all the crap has been hidden. I feel in such a muddle in my mind that it is getting worse and worse and all I want to do is sit down and cry forever. I don't feel as if I've actually managed to do a good job of any of the things that I've tried to achieve over the past few months and that I am, quite simply, a failure and it's all my fault that I've come to this situation. I know that all sounds really self-absorbed. Money is a very big issue as well and I'm really trying to make cutbacks where I can, make do and mend but then along comes an unexpected expense which just blows that all out of the water. Ex H and I have been fairly amicable in recent times especially in terms of DS and that has thrown me a lot as well. I'm not saying that I want to try and sort things out with him (he's made it very clear that that will never be on the agenda) but it was easier to think about and go on dates with other guys when I just thought that ex H was a bastard. I'm dreading facing up to the reality of actually having to sort to finances/ the divorce etc as I know that will really crush me on an emotional level. I have made an appointment to see the doctor although I'm not really sure what to say/ do. They've been really sympathetic in the past and we've discussed ad's etc but I don't think that's really the sort of practical help I need. I could go to a counsellor but, again, what use would that be. I've tried to do all the positive things that they would suggest in all likelihood and really thought I was doing well but, as I say, it's clear that I've not really achieved anything and my life to date really is a bit of a failure. I know people will say that I will get through this and everything will be ok eventually but all this is against a backdrop of ongoing issues with my family that I've had since I was a teenager and I've just got to the point where I can't take/ absorb any more crap in life...

OP posts:
toffeecupcake · 07/07/2010 15:50

Sorry your feeling bad. Kinda feeling crap today too and even started a thread not so long ago,hopefully someone will have some good MN advice for us both. Hope your feeling better soon.

Original poster
Ezma · 07/07/2010 16:08

you too toffee, thanks

OP posts:
ninah · 07/07/2010 17:08

ezma if you need a raelly good cry have one
wait til dc are in bed and go for it
so sorry you are feeling like this
don't feel you have to be perfect cos no one is

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