Newly single, scared, happy, miserable and just want to feel normal again

[FrazzleRock]

How long does it take?

How long is a piece of string I suppose?

I instigated the split last Monday, he agreed and left.
I've been fine all week, in limbo I suppose, but noticed yesterday he wasn't wearing his wedding ring.
Already???

I haven't stopped crying since and I'm so tired.

He said we need to sell the flat
I'm scared and I don't know even where to begin financially. I don't want to take government money but I have no choice
I just want normality. I'll have to rent somewhere and spend all my hard earned profit from the sale of this flat on throwing money away on rent.

We've hardly got any spare cash anyway, how am I going to cope with nothing?

I miss him so much already even though it's the best thing for everyone.
I don't want to feel like this.

My stupid stupid heart. I just want to rip it out and get a new one

When did you get your lives back on track?
When did you start to enjoy life again?

Hi
just want to say you are not alone although you may feel it, like i do. how long were you together? how many children?
see if you can get a free session from solicitor,the first session free. You have a legal right to stay at the property and with maintenance you may be able to afford it? i have been i denial for a year and just coming to the point of acceptance. it has triggered depression with me. everyone is different. i am sort of getting my life back on track in some ways, but it has taken a year. hopefully it wont be this long for you., try keeping a journal aswell.have you called tax credits yet? do you work?

A year! Mind you I can't ever imagine getting my life on track.
We only got married last September but together 9.5 years and have two children. 5 yr old and 15 months.
I just want him to fight for us, I know I suggested the split but kind of saw it as a temporary split. I know we can't see eye to eye. He can't seem to settle down. Life is one big piss up regardless of money. We're in so much debt which is down to him.
I very much doubt I'll get help towards mortgage from government. They offer help with rent, or so I thought.

It's all so final
I know I deserve better but I've spent a third of my life with him.and I miss him so much. I just want

I know

Sorry iPhone went mad at the end

I just want him to hold me again. We've not been close for months and I'll never have that from him again

I've called tax credits and am a childminder. I've got to try and keep sane for the children. My own and the mindees. Wish tomorrow wasn't Monday already

ohh i feel for you.Benefits will pay interest on mortgage if you are a single parent.

It's so hard, but gets easier. then worse, then better...

yes a year. and although it may seem like a long time to you now, it isnt when you have been with someone so long (me 13 years)
if you want him to fight for you maybe it isnt over?
have you suggested relate? or you could go on your own?

with you live, you feel better at first, then it gets worse while you properly "grieve" then it is supposed to get better and i am getting to that stage now i hope.

We've been to relate once but didn't work for long. Plus at £50 per session it's just not something we can afford to keep doing.
Maybe it's not over but I really don't think it's fair on anyone for us to stay together plus it seems like he's made his mind up.

ok if you really dont think it is fair and it is making you all unhappy then you need t work on yourself so at least you can be happy with children. i went to relate on my own and paid £10 per session every 2 weeks. there are ways around things.
i think maybe let things settle down and get into a routine for yourself and children. you only split upon Monday, emotions are running high and will do for some time yet unfortunately. on a positive note, forgetting your H, it sounds like YOU are making your mind up?

I was told by Relate it's £50 per session unless you get financial help.

Maybe, once I start getting help, I'll get it cheaper then...? That could take weeks though plus the waiting list for Relate is ridiculous.
Plus I've lost all my old tax returns, which has my UTR number on and tax credits needs this number. I've searched fucking everywhere. I don't know what to do. I know I had all my tax returns together as we took them to the bank when we were trying to re-mortgage a few months ago. Now they've vanished

You're right, I know it's for the best but I just can't help feeling distraught.
I was a mess yesterday and last night I just wanted to text him and beg for him to come back regardless of how he treats me.
This morning I was pleased I didn't and felt a little happier but now I'm feeling desperate again. It's such a rollercoaster. Who'd have thought a ring would make such a difference to my feelings?
I even slept cuddling his shirt last night just so I could feel some sort of closeness.

I'm my own worst enemy

hi frazzle i kicked my h out about 6 weeks ago and im still all over the place. Definately the right decision for me.

Im lucky i have some great friends but unfortunately i dont think they realise how miserable all this is.

not texting them is the hardest thing.

sugarpear - do you have children? I don't know what to tell my five year old. DS2 wouldn't understand as he's only 15 months but DS1 always asks for daddy when he goes to bed.
I think he needs to know and H needs to tell him.
He said he's going to come here after work as much as he can to tuck him into bed but he won't be here in the mornings and DS1 is going to wonder why.

I just wish I could have DH back, just changed.
I just want him to be a normal caring, sensible, and respectful DH. Apparently this is too much to ask. Apparently I want too much.

I honestly do not know how I'm ever going to get over this

I'm also lucky to have some wonderful friends and they aren't guiding me one way or the other and being really good but I'm sure they will soon get tired of me going on about it.

Why can't he just change?
Everything would be fine and we'd all be happy but he won't and doesn't think he needs to so everything is going to be fucked up

I don't want to do this on my own

I have been struggling with my ex for over 5 years. His behaviour his cheating the lot. I just couldnt take it anymore.

Yes i have 5 kids at home with me.

The saddest thing for me is in 6 weeks my kids have not asked for him once.

It is hard and no one wants to go it alone. And there is nothing anyone can say to make all this pain go away, But trust me it will eventually ease up. I have been where you are so many times and it really does rip you up. While your friends are listening keep talking. But sometimes it helps to talk to strangers. MN was a life saver for me the 1st time he walked and my youngest was 7 months at the time and it took me 5 weeks to track him down living with another woman. They all think the grass is greener. And when he realises its not he'll come running back. In the meantime i know its hard but try and smile its amazing how that helps keep you stronger each day that goes by.

I'm sure I'd find cheating a lot harder.
I'm sorry you had to got thought that

Makes our arguments/disagreements sound superficial.
Do you think you'll have him back now?

My H might come running back and change but he won't change for long. I know it.

hi frazzle,relate didnt ask for what financial help i was getting but what i could afford,may be different in different areas,plus when were were going as a couple we were paying £50 per session, however when he left i continued to go on my own

its very early days, can you email h and discuss some set childcare arrangements to get into a routine straight away and also give yourself some time to heal? it will nt feel "real" for a long time

Hi. It has taken me til now to get back on track an that is a year after he initially left and 8 months sinse the last time I let him back and he went off again. Can i suggest you keep a notebook of feelings, goals, rants, prayers etc. whatever works for you? That's what I did and it really can help. If nothing else you can see how you have moved on when you don't feel you have moved on at all

single - yes, that sounds like a good idea. He said he wants to come over most days after work to tuck the boys into bed but I'm not sure I want to see him that often.
I actually feel good today but I think that's because I haven't seen him since Sunday. Seeing him sends my emotions rolling.
Obviously it's not fair on him or the boys if he can't be there to tuck them into bed and, lets face it, I was the one who said I wanted to have a separation so who am I to say when he can and can't come over?

I need to stop myself going up to him, hugging him and begging him to come back which is why I don't want to see him. But at the same time I do want to see him.

meltedchoc - yes, I will do that starting today. I might buy myself a little notebook and start tonight.

Hi the notebook is a really good idea. think i wrote a complete series of novels when h first left me!

FR no ill never have him back. started the divorce today. And kind of messed up with someone i really do like. So ended up driving through town to see my mate crying. Got to her door and fell apart again.

So although im happy i have finally walked and i feel generally ok today hit me and i wasnt prepared for it. So im not looking forward to tonight but im sure tomorrow will be better.

So remember there will be bad days x

well, I was doing fine today. Onwards and upwards was my motto of the day.
Then he showed up to pick up DS1 to have overnight.

Now I feel crappy again

Great.

Is this going to happen everytime I see him because it could get rather tiring...

I'm sorry things aren't going well sugarpear. What are the chances of sorting things out with this other person?

Unfortunately it will make you feel crappy for a while but you will soon start to look at him and be ok.

I saw mine a couple of weeks ago for dd3 birthday and i felt nothing for him.

I have been getting texts tonight about the kids and i hate even having to acknowledge him via texts.

As for other guy. No his not bothered to text me at all so his loss. Not wasting time on a ny man who cant treat me with the respect i deserve.

It will get better so a few curves on the way

He showed up out the blue this morning before work to see the boys which was a bit odd.
I think we need to work out exact times when he can come over so I'm prepared!

I'm feeling good today.....I think
Evenings seem to be worse. It's bloody lonely! Still, at least I get a whole bed to myself so not all bad.

I started the notebook, I think it will really help.