Sigh - ex lets DD down again

[Tanga]

Am about fed up with my ex. He's just full of it. DD has been having a tough time at school right now (She's just about to go into Yr11) and he hasn't bothered to see her for weeks. Last night I let her go to a gig in a local town - I travelled with her and a friend on the train, we had a coke in a nearby pub, the two girls went to the gig at 8.45 and I met a friend for a bite to eat and met them at 10.30 for the trip home. He went mental. I was neglectful and putting her at risk etc etc. (This was to her, BTW, not me)

Today she went down to see him. She took the train (on her own - because that's fine if it means he doesn't have to pick her up) and was supposed to spend the afternoon and evening with him and he was supposed to drop her off at 9pm.

At 4pm he rang me to say he had to drop her at 6pm because he was going to his wife's neice's birthday party.

Now I never normally rely on him but this weekend we were helping a friend do a massive amount of work in their garden and staying for a BBQ in the evening. DS and DSS were having a whale of a time so I refused to pack everyone up and leave.

Result? He drops her at my 65 year old mother's, (she lives in the same town as him) with no regard at all for how she was to get home from there. My mum drove her home.

DD is hopping. As she says, she sets the bar really low for him anyway. And he keeps disappointing her.

your dd is 16 + ? she needs love and support from you and she needs to decide how long she is going to put up with this type of crap - sorry but she needs to by the sounds of it for her own sanity

Yep, have said to her tonight (and I am really pro-Dad and often post in that manner) that she doesn't have to see him if she doesn't want to. Have never, ever said this before but somehow it is just the last straw.

DD is 15, nearly 16. She (and I) have done all the running for years. He's a musician - she got us to buy her a guitar so she could ask him for lessons as something they could do together - he didn't do it past the first one.

I'm just having a total epiphany - I am just not going to bother.

You just be as supportive of your DD as you already seem to be. She is old enough to make her decisions about her father without your influences. If he continues to let her down and she decides not to see him anymore support her. However if she is going to keep on giving him chances support her with that too. Don't say "I told you so" (even though I think you probably don't do that anyway).

She is at a hard enough stage of life without her dad being a plonker. But at least she has a fab and funky mum.

Thankd ivykat & Blef, I'm just sort of surprised at how immensly f*cked off I feel. DD has told me today that he has been talking about her going to live with him for months - says he has said he will pick her up on her birthday - and gloating about how much maintenance I would have to pay him. I had to take him to the CSA after 5 years of no support at all!

She said that she has told him she would have to change schools and how much it would affect her GCSE's - he said 'it's only school' - this is to my ultra-bright DD who is on target to get a dozen A's and is up for an academic achievement award at the prize-giving on Tuesday, which I have had to bully him into attending! Why did I bother!

I'm thinking I'll ring him and set him straight about where she is going to be living but just don't want to engage with him that much. AArgh!

Don't give him the pleasure tbh. Your DD sounds pretty clued up. How likely is it that she would go and live with him, when he lets her down all the time anyway?

Just remind your DD that she can always talk to you about anything and if her dad is peeing her off then it is ok to tell you that.

She wouldn't dream of living with him, he's just being a twat. It all boils down to the fact that he thought he would stop having to pay maintenance when she was 16 and is horrified that he still has to support her, so this is his cunning plan.

I've got to be civil to him tomorrow at the presentation evening, too, when all I really want to do is revel in DD's success (and possibly cry) but hey-ho.