ex telling me how to spend money?

[laulausfriend]

Hi,
don't know what to do and am at wits end with this. Dont want to spend on a solicitor, dont want to confuse dc, dont want to engage with ex...

every time lately my dc go to their dads and wehn they come home they tell me i've got lots of money and dad pays me lots of money and dad says i should give them pocket money from his money [maintenance through csa] etc [he does not give them pocket money].

I have not said anything to ex as its hard to speak to him and i just explain to dc that the money goes on different things-food, rent, clothes, etc.

anyway, just got a phone call from my dc saying dad says i have to buy ds a new scooter as he gives me enough money and it is for them. this phone call was from my exs mobile and with him there.

I am now really cross and thinking what do i tell dc without sounding like a mean old witch and without making them worry about our finances [both under 9 yrs old].
what would you do/say? i just feel that ex is putting dc in a really hard place on purpose here.
thanks for any ideas?

Yes. Tell hm straight by email or if necessary, pay for a one off sols letter.

He needs putting firmly in his place this time

Thanks threeblondeboys, do you think its quite serious then? I dont know if im making a mountain out of a molehill or if it is really quite sick of him to;
a.tell the kids to tell me what to do with our money and b. put our dc in an 'in the middle' situation of blatant firing.

also, have already spent 2k on solicitors letters letters since we split 5 years ago and resent paying out yet again...

I had the same thing. I ended up writing a very clear letter stating that maintenance goes towards keeping a roof over the children's heads, paying for heating/water, necessities such as food, school uniform etc. etc. I sent it to him and copied his parents in as well. Bear in mind his maintenance comes below the cost of school lunch every day for my three children.

It largely stopped although I have had my kids come back occasionally from him stating that daddy says 'he pays you lots of money so you should buy up this and that'. About six months ago I sat the children down (as they are now a bit older) and explained the cost of bills, rent, food and ended up making it a maths lesson in how much money it costs to live.

Haven't heard a word since.

how old are they exactly, if they are old enough to understand basic addition I would show them how your income and your bills add up - not to worry them, just so they understand that all these bills and costs come before luxuries and pocket money.

P.S. what a twat!

i have this problem with my ex too.

atm he is giving me £55 a fortnight in cash when the dc's are brought home.

last weekend he txts me on the sunday afternoon to say that he was using the money to go and buy them new shoes.

there is nothing wrong with the ones they have and there is only 2 weeks of school left. he just does it to piss me off.

he is always telling the dc that he cant afford to do anything wth them and can't but them anything etc, yet he has just had a big engagement party, booked a wedding and bought a wedding dress and is on a 2 week all inclusive 'break' in kos.

if you have spent that much money on solicitors letters prev and he hasn't listened is it going to be worth wasting any more?

how old are your dc? can you sit them down and explain the situation?

can I ask -

Sit them downm and say that daddy is playing games about money and you do not want to be envlved - if they want a scooter for christams or birthday they may ask but they must understand that you are not playing this game of ringing up asking for things and it is mean.

If they telephone agian and say they want something you say "i asked you not to phone me keep asking for things and playing this game - its wrong" just repeat this in a low tone and firmly

if they come home asking for things say the same " you are not to keep asking for things and playing this silly game its wrong"

One if you use the broken record technique on children - it eventually works - keep at this same sentance and it will eventually sink in with the dc - far better that than moeny on letters.

It is very frustrating isn't it, because unless you get the children involved you can't retaliate.

I've had it from my ex too, he pays £5 a week for 2 children and owes me £3000 CSA money. At Christmas he bought them a book each and told them to swap over when they'd finished.

However, my children know that I pay for everything because I've told them. I've listed all the things I do and pay for, not in a nasty way, but just so they know.

My ex asked me to give him some money when he once had them for three days. So I worked out what kind of refund he was expecting from him £5 and offered him the 35p each a day that he gives me. He was furious, he said he couldn't feed them for that! End of argument.

My ex just wants me to suffer because I chose to be a single mum by leaving him. I expect you are getting the same.

Just keep saying to yourself 'if he was normal I would still be with him' it's a mantra I have to say over and over

I would do the maths lesson thing, regardless of how old they are. They may not fully understand it, but they will learn enough to know that this money has to pay for basic nessecities, food, clothes, rent, bills etc.