coping with depression on my own

[single1ds]

Hi
I am maybe feeling sorry for myself but just having bad day and i just need some company.
I have been on my own a year now since h left with son. i have a rubbish relationship wwith mum a better one with my dad, they both have long term partners.
It is saturday and i am on my own with ds. no-one has called, no-one cares? i have spoken a word to anyone all day apart from mmy son.we have had a ovely day so far, it just seems like a marathon. and i am not half way through it yet. my h ruined my self esteem. i just feel so alone. i look out of the window and see dad with their sons and i ffeel so sad. i dont want to be feeling sorry for myself but i feel so hurt and detached from the world. Has anyone ever had a sympton of depression where noise seems to bbe in their ears? or am i just slowly going mad?! i read the thread why people are happier being a single parent, but i am not there yet. i am not happy in myself. i am 33 aand feel so old, like my life is over and i am just here to bring my son up. please help me feel not so alone, has anyone else had these feelings?

sorry i didnt mean my h left with my son, he is here with me.

Hi single1ds, Sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. You are not alone in feeling this way. I have two dcs under 2 and I find that weekends are the hardest time of the week as there are not many 'organised' things to go to. Sometimes it does feel rubbish when no one calls all day, especially when you are feeling low. Are there any groups for lone parents in your area as they can be a godsend at weekends?

I try to make sure that I always have my own plans if I have not arranged something with anyone else. In the week I have in mind somewhere I want to visit or I go on a bit of a mystery trip and stop at somewhere that looks interesting (it helps that I am in a new area since spltting from ex). Even if you just get out to the park there if usually someone there to chat to.

If you don't have the energy to get out then why not cuddle up with your ds and watch a good film (if he is of the age to appreciate them...unfortunately there is only so much in the night garden I can take...) or maybe do some cooking together so you have some nice cakes to eat or something new for tea. As sad as it may sound, this sort of thing always cheers me up.

Remember that you never know what other people's lives are like. It can feel crap when you see dads and their sons but who knows, some could be single parents themselves. It sounds like it is much better for you to be away from your ex but it takes time to feel strong and happy again. For me it has been 6 months and I have good and bad days. I'm a similar age to you and feel glad that I still have lots of my life ahead of me without being tied to my ex. Even if sometimes I feel lonely while single it is so much better than being lonely in a relationship which makes you feel really frustrated and lost. I am not sure about the symptoms of depression. Maybe go to the doctor's this week to get things checked out.

Take care and remember, things will get better, take one day at a time.

I guess the thing is that it is an all consuming job, being a single parent. It feels like a marathon because it is. If you have a good relationship with your dad then talk to him.

Ds need not miss out on a positive male influence if your dad gets involved in your life and helps you out a little, nothing major, but maybe taking ds for a walk or out with his o/h once in a while.

Bringing up children without any help from others is damn near impossible as you find you start to forget who you are. I know my self-confidence took a hammering and it's only now, 5 years in that I am starting to feel more positive.

There are no easy answers. But you need to pat yourself on the back for any tiny thing you manage to achieve. It's damn hard being on your own!

Hi
just wanted to say thank you both for replying, you have made me feel loads better just knowing there are others out there that have/do felt/feel the same.
Blef1974 , it is encouraging that you say it has taken you 5 years as i feel people think i should be over it. i was with him 13 years, it isnt going to take just a year is it? it gives me hope that i am not the only one who feels at the very first stage of acceptance after a full year.
duckonthepond, i will try to find out activities for weekends like you. it is hard isnt it. anyway, feeling a lot better today than yesterday:-) although i a going to post another thread about another issue about work which is dragging me down a little aswell

Hi, another one here . We are also a year down from splitting and were together for 15 yrs. Would have been pour wedding anniversary yesterday.

In some ways I am glad we have split, the relationship was very negative and has taken it's toll on my self esteem and also triggered depression.

There is a lot to come to terms with so be kind to yourself. I have always felt that I was a positive person so find it very hard to admit that it is just so overwhelming. I think I should be 'OK' by now, but am very far from it.

I try to get out as much as possible, walks, the park with kids (I am broke!!) Appreciate the small things, I know that is a cliche but for me it helps.

It is not just coming to terms with the loss of the relationship, healing and dealing with that, but accepting the future you had planned together has gone.

So start planning your own, new one. It might be simple small changes to begin with, but try building up your self esteem from within, so that it is not so affected by other people.

Try getting to meet some MNers, they are an amazing bunch.. do you know any local to you? I was having a crap day on Friday and someone I met on MN changed her plans to spend a few hours with me to help me pick myself up.

Can you afford to take up a 'hobby' a, for yourself, and b' that you and DS can learn together? It can add a new dimension to things. I took up Kick Boxing, which is great for negative emotions and gets me out with people.

Don't give up single, see it as a new beginning, small steps. Go to the Docs just to let him/her keep an eye on you.

I am a mixture of happier because what went before was so hard, but going through the process of dealing with memories, hurt, coping etc. There is no timetable, take things at your own pace but aim for each day being a little better than the one before.

Take care, xx

Hi Mittz
it is our wedding anniversary on friday :-(
i am a member of gym/swimming pool and i go to classes and take my son swimming.
sounds like we are in a very similar place.i totally get what you mean, in some ways know it is the right thing, buy why? why couldnt i have made it work? also as just separated thinking, is this really the end or is there hope we may be able to make it work. as time goes on though i dont think so.it is such a roller coaster of emotions. i dont know any mners near me no. where are you? how old are your child/ren?

singleds1, so sorry to hear you feeling so sad. i wrote on that 'happier being single thread', because i am now. it took me a long time though! a year after my break up with dd's father i was feeling exactly like you. it took time.

all i did was do what i could. get up, wash her and myself, cook three meals, keep the house somewhat tidy. i was surviving. it started getting easier about eighteen months after the break up. time is a great healer, i promise you. you will feel really happy and fulfilled and full of hope some day, you really will. you just need to take each day as it comes.

emotionally, i grew stronger by setting goals for myself and believing i could achieve them. i gave myself a lot of respect for dealing with all the bad things that happened to me. i was kind to myself. i knew that it would take time, but i just had to make a tiny step forward every day.

practically, i attacked my goals. they were small things at the start like don't cry in front of dd, don't text x, eat more vegetables, stop staying up late upset and being tired, don't drink wine sunday nights.

after a while they got bigger: paint my living room, go to the park once a week with dd, ask a friend over on a saturday night once a month, cook a new meal with dd every fortnight, write plans of what i would like my life to be like in five years, rent out funny films to encourage myself to laugh.

then i moved my goals even further forward: go out with friends on a night out, apply for a postgraduate course and complete it, move house into a place with no bad memories, learn to drive, start looking after myself more by getting hair cut every few months, trying new make-up, buying myself some clothes every so often (perhaps superficial but confidence boosting and feels like you're exploring a new side of yourself).

its a process but it happens. take it slowly, and practice gratitude - it helped me. also write down your good points, the things you have achieved, and what you will achieve in the future. you are a young woman - 33?! you have your whole life ahead of you and a beautiful son. you can start getting excited about your future again, who knows what tomorrow will bring .

I am in Derbyshire, My DC's are DS 12 and DD 7.

It wasn't your 'job' to 'make it work'. If there is one thing I am coming to terms with it is the fact that whilst Relationship go through ups and downs, they are about being a working team, someone you can rely on to take up where each of you needs to top up for a while. Love doesn't make you feel worthless or have low esteem, it nurtures and protects, it lets you develop and grow, whilst being the rock for each of you to return.

It looks OK on screen, but living it is a bit more of a challenge!
I am thinking of a career change (I am 40 and it is scary!)

How old is your DS?

I feel for you - i am in the same situation at times, its a year tomorrow, sometimes its ok, ten other times hidiously lonely..I have a 3yr old. where are you?

ds is 2.8 years and i am in north east. also thinking of the career change

Single1ds where in NE are you?I am recently widowed and have 2dcs 1 with sn.If you are anywhere near East Yorkshire and want to meet up would be happy to.

(am not mad axe murderer,honest)

I think weekends are hardest.

You hae the dcs all day.ATM i am looking at as many activities as I can to keep us all busy.We have had a nice weekend,as ds has just joined Beavers and we went to a scouts bbq.A little bizarre with all the campfire singing abd all that but pleasant all the same,and I met another mum with an autistic son,and forced myself to be jolly and chatty.I thibk though it is hard it is just getting out there and trying to make an effort even though it is tricky if you are not feeling totally happy inside.Small steps and all that.

Take care,mavis.

mittz, how are you doing?

I am in the North East too. If you want to chat let me know

there is a site for lone parents - check it out, it's well worth visiting

I'm not in the NE, but just wanted to say I have been alone for just over a year now (dh moved far away) and think I have been struggling more than I was, maybe just realising that a whole year has passed and I still haven't got financial things sorted, maybe realising that all I do is survive and ensure the children are happy every single day.
Your ds is at a great age, make sure you enjoy him, even a wee cuddle on the sofa is very precious, dd is 3 and they change so fast.
I find making time for me is good,I live in a very rural area so no clubs etc near me, but every evening I try and get the dc into bed by 7pm, so I can have a wee glass of apple juice or wine and do some sewing or a browse on MN, I don't think it matters what you do as long as its "Me" time.

I'm not very good at it myself, but I think Mavis is right, pat yourself on the back for every small positive step you take and take up the offer of meeting up with Mumsnetters.

Not so good to be honest. I am not sure why. Everything has backed up on me and I am really struggling.

Thought I was doing so well, but I can't get it all back into perspective. Maybe this is rock bottom and the only way is up from here......

maybe the only way is up . i'm sorry that you're so down. is it a specific problem at the moment, or just sick of all the pressures of life? your post to single1ds made a lot of sense and was excellent advice. maybe you could read over it again yourself.

life is a series of ups and downs - this is a down. you'll be due an up soon i hope .

mama..too much for too long I think. Although DC's Dad walked out a year ago the first 6 months were still the same roller coaster just in different houses, I am having counselling and on AD's and in a way this is not depression as such, I am literally shattered.

Have had a lot of downs for one reason or another.