Probably having to cope with newborn and 4 year old on my own aarrgh

[Craftynap]

Hi
Long-time lurker here, have never posted anything of substance before, here goes...

I have a 4-year old DD, and am pregnant with number 2, due in September.

It looks like I will soon be separating from long-term partner, all very stressful and a complete nightmare, really.

I suspect I have had, and still have (undiagnosed) PND. Tried going to Relate last year (initiated by me), he won't go back. Am pretty sure that if this latest just blows over, and we go back to muddling along, as we have been, that it is postponing the inevitable. There's a whole other thread there, obviously.

I have no idea how I will cope AT ALL with newborn and 4 year old and was wondering whether there was anyone who has been through this and come out the other end smiling?!

Is it best for me to cope with this NOW, and at least have a couple of months of single parenthood under my belt before the baby is born, or try and fix things up temporarily (I am fairly sure that it will be temporary) and deal with it all later?
I am thinking primarily about practical support when the baby is born here; the thought of having to do those first weeks of sleepless nights alone terrifies me, plus dealing with DD who has only ever slept through once aarrghh.

I am also VERY worried with how DD will cope. She is due to start a new nursery on the day I am due (already goes 3 days a week), her parents splitting up, and a new baby sister all in a oner, poor thing.
She has a good friend who will be starting with her, and I think she will be very happy there but I may not be able to pick her up/ drop her off, and so that side of things may be pretty chaotic...

Extremely grateful for any advice/ encouragement from anyone who has been through similar. Right, I will post this now and try to get back to it this evening....

If you think it is inevitable may be it is better just to break it up now.
Must be very hard for you with the pregnancy, and the PND. But if you have an unhelpful partner at home it will make things even more difficult for you. Sometimes it is easier to cope on your own than with constant grief or indrance.
Can you afford any help? (cleaning, somebody to pick up your DD from school..) or/and have you familly and freinds around? May be your DD freind's mum can pick up your DD from schoool when the baby arrived, may be even bring her to school. Do you have a mum sister, childless freind who can come help you. As long as you organise things now for september, you will be fine even without your partner (unless you are secretely hoping that it will patch up).
Your DD will be fine too, it is a lot of new things at once, but it might be better to have it all done once, than to have changes after changes for her. May be you can talk tos some consellor about that?
Hope you manage to find what is good for you.
good luck
BTW I have a baby and DD1 just turned 5 when she was
born, it is easier than you think, she loves to help with the baby, and no jalousy. DD2 is also far easier than DD1 was. so there is hope.

bumping for you

Have only just managed to get back to this, many thanks for reply and bump.

I do think it will be far easier to cope on my own without a constant fog of gloom over the house....

However partner is actually pretty good practically, and (while he is off work at least) will hopefully pull his weight with helping in the night etc.(I am assuming here that this baby is going to be a screaming colicy thing like DD1 who won't settle, rather than those strange mysterious dream babies you hear about!)

Not sure whether the practical help will make up for the emotional toll though.

It's the sleep issue I'm worried about the most really.. DD1 didn't sleep at all, up every 2 hours at least until she was 2 1/2, complete nightmare, drove me right to the edge, and I don't know if I can do it again.
However there is a part of me that is saying Bloody hell, you managed that on your own with no emotional (and very little practical) support and survived, you can do ANYTHING.

Yes, I can and will pull in help from family, lucky as I have a lovely brother and SIL nearby who I'm sure will be up for helping as much as they can.

bump?

No two babies are the same. You could find that the new baby is one of those dream babies. Also second time round I think you are more relaxed.

If you have support from your bro and S-I-L and you think that there is no way to save the relationship then sadly it is probably best to split up and asap. It's no good subjecting DD to a miserable household just to try and get through to the birth of the new baby.

I won't lie and say things are going to be easy, but you need to do what's best for you, your DC and your partner in the long run.

Good luck x

practically speaking - can he move out adn rent a palce nearby? will he be willing to do this? does he accept end of relationship?

think of what your dd is going thru in a miserable household....

i say split now if is inevitable and set clear schedules for the dad to be with dd and then baby.

i thoguht PND after more thana couple eyars was depression not PND?

speak to midwife about support for you now as you go thru all this - you will e at greater risk of PND too but with right support could be fine.

can you a fford a maternity nurse or at least have space for a live in au pair for a few months around baby's birth ? before and fafter so your dd gets used to them.

If PND goes undiagnosed it can last for years.
One of my freind had a DD similar than yours and was terrified of having number 2. Turned out that her DD2, was a dream baby, sleeping and feeding and always content. Of course there is no waranty.
It will be hard emotionnally, but if it is already hard now, may be you are better off on your own. With support (ask your MW what you are entitled).
You seem like you have already partially made your mind anyway?
good luck

Thanks for replies people.

TBH very little will change at the moment if he moves out, from my point of view, other than a much nicer atmosphere. I think we'll actually get on far far better...

Maternity nurse/ au pair not an option, I could probably afford cleaner a couple of hours a week, good plan.

Yes, mind is pretty much made up. V difficult to actually make the break though. It will have to be me that instigates everything as usual and I'm exhausted...

I think he accepts end of relationship,
He was moving out 2 days ago after big row, that's it, we're splitting up, now he's acting like nothing has happened, AGAIN. It's almost like he has actually forgotton that anything was said. Again. Aargh. been like this for years. Have had enough.

hi crafty

hope you and your dc are ok. i felt the same when i split from dp, was very worried about the impact it would have on my 4yrold dd, and i was heavily pregnant. i have to say she didnt really react at all tbh. things that i did to help her were try to keep to her routine and answer any questions she had as honestly as possible and i informed her nursery incase she needed any extra support there. she didnt.

hope everything goes well for you

hello I was also in this situation
don't assume dc2 will be a handful just cos dd1 was, not always the case
and don't forget you can still call on ex for practical/financial help, you are still both parents even if not a couple
good luck