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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Not wanting to stay at daddy's...

18 replies

Flamesparrow · 03/07/2010 10:20

Argh.

Week 2 of them sleeping at DH's house instead of here. I can see why he wants them there - it is a weirdy break up if me and him swap homes every weekend.

But DD1 has AS and doesn't cope well with change.

She keeps telling me she doesn't want to sleep there. She wants to sleep at home. She wants Daddy here instead.

We can't. If we agree now it will continue like this forever which is just madness. But at the same time, I know how much the change must be affecting her.

What do I do?!?! I have been telling her that this is how it is now etc. I am not giving her a choice. But it is hard.

OP posts:

cornsilk5793 · 03/07/2010 10:22

what's the arrangement flame?

Original poster

Flamesparrow · 03/07/2010 10:26

They are sleeping on camp beds at his flat. Tried selling it as a whole "ooh fun camping at daddy's" thing, but it ain't happening.

It is only a one bed place. I think tonight he is planning to put one of them in his bed.

I need the breaks each week. I can't have her with me constantly by myself (as horrible as that sounds). I'm not exactly excelling as a single mum and the weekends are what keep me going.

It was working really well before - DH was coming here for weekends and I was going to his flat, but now we are officially split instead of together living apart he doesn't want to (and neither do I tbh, I feel a bit like I am losing my home).

OP posts:

Tablefor6 · 03/07/2010 10:35

Hi Flame

I followed your previous threads and had been thinking of you, and wondering how you were doing...

Any chance he can get a bigger place?

I think you are going to have to stick with what you are doing and it is up to him to sell it to the kids as a fun packed weekend with Daddy...

If they are tired enough, and popcorn and a dvd awaits them ,surely it will become a routine in time?

cornsilk5793 · 03/07/2010 10:37

Sleeping in his bed might be better. Maybe do her a visual timetable so that she knows what is going to happen.

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 10:44

oh that must be tough flame - do you reckon it may be worth posting in the SN topic (not that the rest of us LP's aren't lovely,and I'm sure there are other LP's on here with children with AS as well - but there may be more over there that can generally give you ideas on how to help her cope with the change.

cornsilk5793 · 03/07/2010 10:53

ooops didn't realise this was LP's - followed your other link in active convos flame

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 10:57

lol corn - no need to apologise - we LP's don't bite .

I just suggested asking for advice on the changes for flames DD who has AS in the SN as there probably be more posting over there with experience of AS than over here in LP's where some may, but a lower chance of the rest of us being able to offer any helpful advice

Original poster

Flamesparrow · 03/07/2010 11:42

Lol yup I have linked in SN too

I have dropped them off now and he has whisked them out for a picnic so I am hoping that it will distract her.

She is in his bed tonight

I think repetition is pretty much going to be the only method here (plus timetable - have been working on one of those anyway as I think it will help chaotic DS).

No to getting a bigger place unfortunately What is has is about all we can afford atm.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flamesparrow · 03/07/2010 11:46

Oh and Tablefor6 - I'm doing ok. This week has been harder on me, missing him a lot.

I think part of that is because I am now sure that he hasn't been having an affair, he has no feelings for OW other than friendship, which means it is just our marriage which is screwed up Bitter that it took years for us to get to this stage, and yet we haven't put very long into trying to undo it iyswim. I still wouldn't be surprised if we sort things out 12-18 months down the line tbh.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/07/2010 11:50

is he going to continue having them every single weekend?? as once she's used to that,it will be harder still to change to perhaps every other weekend??

there will come a time when the ex wants some semblance of a social life or a new relationship....so weekends might become difficult for him every week

Original poster

Flamesparrow · 03/07/2010 11:53

He is having them 3 out of 4 weekends.

He has a social life every other night of the week. I'm not really bothered about his social life tbh - he f*cked off with barely trying to fix our marriage when there are 3 children involved.

I will have to try and work a new partner around having children 6 out of 7 nights a week, I feel sure he can manage it for one night.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flamesparrow · 03/07/2010 11:55

(Sorry - that was a bit bitter, it is still very raw, I love this man with all my heart, and still see the affection for me when he looks at me - it hurts)

Once she is settled with it, she is much more easily flexible. With her it is a case of getting used to the place rather than when it happens iyswim

OP posts:

mole1 · 03/07/2010 12:00

Agree, you don't need to make allowances for his social life, he has far more opportunity for that than you do.

I think you are doing it right by sticking to the routine each weekend, it is only week 2. My dd1 is on the waiting list to be assessed for AS, she finds change difficult. She goes to her Dad's less often than your dd, maybe no more than once a month (he isn't very interested in seeing them...) and finds coming back difficult - she is always angry and stroppy for a few days. I think it is probably difficult for many children in this situation and will take time.

GypsyMoth · 03/07/2010 12:23

i wasnt saying make allowances for it.....no,no,no,....what i was saying is that HE may be the one to suddenly pull the rug from under your feet,and change the arrangements!

not unheard of when a man falls for a new partner

Original poster

Flamesparrow · 03/07/2010 15:54

Aaaaaaaaah I did think you were being bloody understanding

OP posts:

TheLifeOfRiley · 03/07/2010 19:08

Hi flame I split from my ex in Nov'09 and my DS is on the spectrum too, he has Daddy days marked on the calendar so he can see them approaching (he sleeps over two nights a week same two days) he sleeps in his dad's bed as he was sad and unsettled in new bedroom even though it is the house he grew up in.

It is a big change for any child, but children with ASD struggle even more so - my DS gets weepy about going to his dad's too and it is hard but I encourage it and make it positive as
A) I NEED the break
B) I feel it is important DS has regular contact with his twunt of a father.
I am just waffling so I hope my post makes sense

Tablefor6 · 05/07/2010 13:27

Flame it can feel like a bereavement, especially when you know you both still have feelings there.

Sometimes it is easier to have an OW to blame, instead of having to look at your marriage, and have all the 'but why?' questions...

Use all your remaining energys on your 3 DCs, and take each day as it arrives x

Original poster

Flamesparrow · 05/07/2010 22:51

Your waffling made perfect sense.

Yes Table - I remember feeling like a bereavement when my dad left too. It is that whole thing where I am grieving for the future I had pictured. The one where I wake next to the man I love every morning. With an OW there is someone to blame. This way I am blaming myself, and analysing every teeny aspect of my marriage. I did the blaming of DH's friend for the last fortnight, but now I am back to being of the opinion that she was the catalyst, not the cause, and being upset with her is achieving nothing (sent her an email explaining my POV with it all, and apologising for "visiting" her at work - message back from DH tonight is that she has read the email and now trying to figure out how to reply... I think the reply will probably swing my feelings either way. Crazy thing is that when I go back to trusting the world, and her, I miss her - she was a friend for a while )

Today I am back to being more positive. In large part because of Stray (my friend). She tends to lift me and make me strong. There are many issues in my marriage - it is about 50/50 as to who has caused what. It is not all my fault.

I'm rambling a bit now. DH told me that his dad is trying to convince him to move back in, I've told him that I don't want him living here atm, but I do want our dates back. Argh unless he meant his dad wants him to move home. But I can't see that - he is angry enough that he has left the children without moving him 3 1/2 hours from them.

Sorry. Started typing and its all pouring out. I don't think I'll settle until I get this reply!

OP posts:

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