Feeling like a crap mother

[Becky36]

My son is five and is at primary school. I work full time from 8.30am to 5.00pm and can never drop him at school or pick him up. The communication from the school isn't the best and relies on notes which are put in his bag (which I don't always get) and this usually results in me not knowing about school trips/parents evenings/homework/accidents at school etc. I feel awful about this and like I am letting my son down. He goes to a childminders before and after school and he is always asking me why I can't take him or pick him up and I feel guilty about this too. His dad (my ex) can't take him to school either because of his working patterns.

I know that this is not a situation that I can do anything about but I feel constantly exhausted, guilty and sad about my lack of involvement in my son's education.

I don't earn much either and I sometimes wonder if it is all worth it.

Poor you. I do feel sorry for you.

It is not the end of the world not being there are drop off and pick up - it certainly doesn't make you a crap mum. Don't beat yourself up - you are doing the very best you can.

I also worked FT when dd was small - I never did the drop off or pick up, except on Fridays when i finished at lunchtime. To be honest so many mums work FT now, so don't feel that you are alone.

Yes the book bag thing is crap - many a time I missed something. Have you got a home school contact book? If so write a not to the teacher and let her know the problem. Also speak to your childminder and ask her to check the bag and check with the teacher on a weekly basis that nothing has been missed.

If you feel striongly that your job is not worth the hassle, is there any way you can go PT - at least one or two afternoons a week off?

Thank you for saying that. It's nice to know I'm not the only one, although it does feel like it sometimes. I would love to cut back on my hours but I work for one of the partners in a firm of solicitors and it is not the sort of job that can be done part time. I am looking for another job at the moment with less hours but I'm not sure how it would affect my tax credits. I can't afford to lose any money, we really struggle as it is.

Oh poor you - that must be really hard (re working for partner). Is it that you have to be in the office when he is?

Good luck in loking for another job - generally (I have always found) that when you move jobs is when you get a higher salary, perhaps move to another company FT, and in 6 months or so request some flexible working. Lots of places are a lot more flexible now, so you may be in luck. Plus the job market has picked up somewhat so you may be in luck.

But don't beat yourself up and feel guilty. I know it is hard - i used to feel bad because I could never help on school trips for instance - and I was a single mother when dd just started school and it was hard as you could talk to nobody about it, but hang in there, it will get better.

You may find yourself not too much worse off if you work less hours. Firstly you won't pay tax on the lost income, and secondly your WTC will probably go up a bit and may just about cancel out the salary loss.

Speak to the lone parent advisor at the job centre if you need some numbers crunched.

Speak to school (you can phone if you can't visit) and explain your situation and that you are not hearing about trips, events etc and request they email you newletters etc or that they ensure your ds brings them home.
And ask the childminder to check his desk and/or ask the teacher. Not taking letters home is pretty much run of the mill in reception & KS1. School's want parents to be involved in their child's education and to know what is going on, so ask them how they can help you do that.

And regarding your hours don't beat yourself up too much, though it does sound like you may need to re-think your work life balance a little. I think you realise that by the fact you are already looking for another job.

Thank you all for your kind messages. Just feeling really shitty about things this week. Having to sell my house because I can't afford to live here anymore. I am just starting to think that working hard isn't getting me anywhere and I am missing out on important stages in my son's life. I missed out on the time when he was 18 months/two because of divorcing my extremely controlling husband and all the stress that involved and now I'm missing out again on this time in his life too

Trying to make those quality moments when you're out all day at work, come home tired and then the weekends are taken up with chores and paperwork is not easy.

Do you have any chance to take a few days away together? My ds told me recently that one of his favourite memories is when just the two of us went to centre parcs for a long weekend. The peace, tranquility, swimming together, riding bikes, feeding the ducks and watching the bunnies and squirrels chasing around outside our chalet. It was lovely and gave us some real quality time together.

If you phone them last minute you can sometimes get a really good deal on any chalets they haven't got rid of for this weekend. Plus if you stay in their hotel it's much cheaper, but you do end up paying much more for food, so kind of balances out. On the other hand you don't have to think about cooking etc and you would have had to buy or bring food with you self catering too.

So if you can possibly get away for a couple of days together, (doesnt have to be centre parcs but somewhere you can both join in things together) you will both benefit from it. It really sounds like you owe it to yourself and your ds to take some time out together.

My daughter and I had a fight today...(phsically) I dont how to handle it...except that I feel very resentfull towards my other daughter who I feel started it all...im not ere to point fingers..im not sure if I can ever forgive myself so im not looking for that..to be honest i dont know anymore