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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Would you give this money back?

10 replies

Elloeise · 30/06/2010 22:08

Ds is nearly 6, his dad has never been intrested we split up when i was pregnant as he cheaated and got another woman pregnant.

He has now decided he wants to be in ds live aand i have arranged for him to meet ds next week.

Ex has never paid a penny before but has just given me £50 for things ds might need.

DP thinks ds is worth more than £10 a year and i should through this money back in his face and say i dont need it.

To be honest i understand what hes saying and where hes comming for and feel that ds deserves a lot more in all recepts not just finacal.

But feel giving it back would be cutting my nose off to spite my face and i could ues the money for something nice for ds.

So ladies what would you do? should i give it back or treat ds?

OP posts:

ninah · 30/06/2010 22:17

it's for ds not you, use it
or if you feel like making a point put it in a savings account for him when he is older ...

Original poster

Elloeise · 30/06/2010 22:38

Thats a good idea ninah i didnt think of that thank you.

OP posts:

EMS23 · 01/07/2010 12:42

Keep the money - if you throw it back now, there might be no more forthcoming in the future and it sounds like he's trying to take steps in the right direction now so proper maintenance could be the next step he takes.
Good luck for the meet.

nickschick · 01/07/2010 12:44

I think its hard for your dp to think that suddenly there may be another man in your sons life and I think in a way hes thinking your ds 'dad' has 'priced' him at £50.

I think it would be daft to give it back and also its not your money -it is your ds money.

gillybean2 · 03/07/2010 08:32

Bite your tongue i'm afraid and keep/spend/save they money.

yes your ds is wirth more than that, but he's also worth more than any amount of money.

Your ex is attempting to do the right thing now. If you throw it back in his face and make it difficult for him he may just go away again.

It's small steps which hopefully will be the start of something bigger. Though agree with poster who said your dp is probably needing a bit of reassurance of his role with your ex coming back on the scene. Make sure your ds and you both show him how much he means to you.

QueenofWhatever · 03/07/2010 11:33

Just briefly, I would pass your ex's details to the CSA and let them deal with it. Bank account is also a good idea if you have such mixed feelings about it.

jaffacake2 · 03/07/2010 11:42

I would definitely keep it for your son.

My ex has had a strange attitude to giving money to my daughters since he left them to live in america with new family. Sometimes he helps ,sometimes not but all on his schedule.
He has just surprised us by saying that he will finance youngest to uni next year at £5 k a year and also paying for a holiday to California for both to see him.
So my advise is just to grit your teeth and smile and take all you can from him.For you never know what will happen in the future.

gillybean2 · 03/07/2010 11:46

Queen - wow, so he give an inch and you suggest she takes a mile...?

If she wants to send him running immediately then contact the CSA for sure. You don't need to involve the CSA unless you want too. And given OP is thinking of throwing the money back it doesn't seem like she wants/needs it.

I would suggest a more softly softly approach. Take the offer of contact, start with that. See how it goes, if he sticks with it. And also see what else he offers financial support wise. If he offers another payment then maybe suggest a more structured arrangement and point him at the csa calculator page if he wants to have some idea of what he should really be paying and ask him to take that into account. Then if you want to persue the money and he isn't forthcoming then go to the CSA if that's what you want to do.

Otherwise you may find he vanishes off really fast when your ds is just about to start having a relationship with his dad and your ds will be the one who looses out.

I don't think this is about the money for the OP, I think it's about her ds getting to know his dad and for his dad to now accept some responsibility for his child. It's taken 6 years to get the ball moving, why slam the breaks on before it's even rolling... Give him a bit more time OP, it sounds like he is trying, and a little bit more time isn't going to hurt at this stage is it...

noraa · 03/07/2010 11:48

its a good step maybe.
keep/save it for your son.
you may need to be understanding maybe he wants to enter yr ds's life.
but he must be understanding that it must be regular contact money/contact wise.
let him know it.
and tell him, otherwise it won't be good for yr ds and nobody would want that.
let him know its not easy for you and for yr ds.

SpiritualKnot · 03/07/2010 11:58

My mum always used to say "never refuse money"

Having said that, I once refused £5 from a guy who felt apologetic after he threw my chinese meal against a wall. I gave him the fiver back and he ripped it up in front of me....kept the pieces for years, don't know why.

Sorry, sidetracked there. Yes, buy your son something nice. Its a gesture from your ex. He could have waited until he was with your son and spent £50 on him himself and be seen as the super generous dad by your son, this way is nicer as it shows respect towards you.

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