Pleasechime in with opinions re contact

[northlondonmumma]

So I split with xp a year ago. We have 2 lovely kids (20 months and 4 yrs).

I split with him as he was verbally abusive aggressive and we could not communicate.

I have been struggling to get fixed contact arrangements with him for the kids. The issue is he does not want to be pinned down on days etc. Slowly its getting better (he has realised that better for kids, through my insistence, if there is a set day he sees them)

Latest issue is that he wants to take the older one out of nursery one day a week plus half of weekend. My issue is that I dont want him missing nursery though would be happy for him to pick him up earlier as:

• this is last 6 months or so before school and so believe contact should be organised around him being in nursery week days (nursery agree)
• nursery don't want him missing days (his place is funded) and think he benefits from the routine of going
• he only takes the older one away and dont want them spending too much time apart(I am aware its harder work having a toddler plus an older one, but he has to start somewhere)
• i want to minimize the amount of time kids spend with him as his lifestyle is not great (the oldest has returned swearing. what else will follow, he is aggressive and moody generally. That said plays nicely with the kids and they do like seeing him/unlikely a court would deny him contact.

Am I being unfair, i just dont feel that what he is proposing is in either children's best interests and he is thinking of himself.

Really appreciate your opinions.....

Thanks

Been there alright! Split for exactly same reasons and had to face same "control" issues..your right he's thinking only of himself. Insist on time that suits dc (not nursery time) and make sure he sticks to it...with time the question of how he chooses to spend time with his dc isn't such an issue (after a few monthes mine realised that when he stuffed them with ice-cream and sat them in front of tv they got bored, aggressive and didn't want to go eventually. For the first time in his life he is now taking dc to pool every week..hey, thats a massive improvment) Concentrate on him sticking to arrangement which is often difficult at first with ex that just want to contol (good tip: if he comes late then be out etc) and remember, it gets better!

Stick to your guns, routine is very important to children.

Or if you want to offer comprimise could he pick up from nursery one day a week.

Cant advise on the two children issue as only got one!

Good luck.

Can he pick him up from nursery and have him for the afternoon? That way it can stay like that once he goes to full time school.

What are your thoughts on the half a weekend? The alternative would be every other full weekend.

Why isn't he having the youngest one? If its only for a couple of hours after nursery one day a week, that's not too much hard work and could help him get used to it, although a 20 month old is not exactly hard work ... like you say, he's got to get used to it. Have you proposed him starting to take the youngest one as well?

he needs to take them both together...end of. you deserve a break too.

set times...definitely

is he abusive to you still in any way?

he has to work round your sons' timetable, not to his own. what happens when ds1 goes to school? will he want him missing a day of that aswell? no, tell him he can pick him up from nursery at the normal time otherwise you will be bending the rules for him forever.

you need to agrees set times and he has to have them both, they are both his children whether one is harder to look after or not. i hate it that some men only take an interest in their kids when they are past the pooing, vomiting, sleeping sporadically stage and are able to kick a ball with them.

You are being completely reasonable, he is being completely unreasonable and selfish- which sounds like par for the course. My ex is also a control freak and I know it's hard to stand up to people like this. My ex deliberately tries to start arguments as he knows I wont want a scene in front of dd and if I say something he doesn't like he is very (loudly) verbally abusive. You are in the right here and just keep telling yourself that and remember at least you don't have to put up with it 24/7 now.

TBH I think that spending time with a parent is more important than nursery. This is the last 6 months before you will both be able to spend an afternoon with older one doing fun stuff and spending quality time together before they start school.

Yes routine and preparing for school is important. But they are going to have that for the next 14 years! And in the mean time they have the rest of the week at nursery anyhow...

If you really won't allow one afternoon of nursery I personally think you are a bit unreasonable. And the nursery don't have to loose the funding, you can ask them to keep the space open and claim the funding as your child may well be using some of the days anyhow if ex decides he can't handl it after all. Nursery loosing funding is really not a consideration in the best interest of your child and so I don't know why you would think it important to your child to be honest.

OK, so assuming you are going to dig your heels in and refuse to allow your child to spend time with their dad then how about suggesting he has younger one for afternoon, they both go and pick up older and then come home after tea. Or he hs younger one drops off before pick up from nursery and then has older one in afternoon.

But he is not going to be able to do quality time things with them, like swimming, park, days out etc if you restrict contact to a couple of hours.

Give him the day and one day at the weekend, insist he sees both children on at least one of those days and has the baby for some time alone too.

Remember that when your child starts school he's likely to get every other weekend from friday to monday with his child anyhow, so you're going to have to get used to it at some point. Embrace it, don't look for the negatives or make it impossibly hard for your ex.

Work together, it will be so much better for your children if you can work something out over this and don't dictate simply because your child needs to get used to the next 14 years in education by being at nursery rather than with their parent.

Sorry I know you didn't want to hear that opinion most likely, but I hope it makes you think a bit more about it.

Hi, I really appreciate all the responses.

Gillybean to the contrary, I was expecting to have contrary views, otherwise I would not have posted here. Its only in anonymous forums like this that we really get to voice our opinions.

I have actually offered my exp every other weekend so he could pick up kids fri after lunch and return to nursery that monday. He says that does not work for him because of his work commitments. I am not opposed to him having them for a couple of days at a time as I think its better for all if he can do meals/bathtime and all the usual parent stuff, esp for boys nice for them to see blokes things (trying to think of relevant examples other than scratching balls and hogging remote controls .

As an alternative, he has chosen every weekend so I think we need to split the weekend - Sat works better for him so he can have them from Fri lunch til Sat eves.

I have also asked him if he wants to pick up Wed afternoon so he gets mid week contact too and as nursery closes early that day. He can pick them up any day early as far as I am concerned as long as he lets me know. I just think it nicer for the kids to have routine.

I would really like to work together but time after time, I come against an unsurmountable block - he is completely anti my working for starters which is completely insane as far as I can see as my job works around my kids and provides 100% of their support

I dont know why he doesnt take both. Hard work and lack of confidence I suspect. I have offered to buy cot/ provide safety gates to combat other excuses, but short of refusing any contact, I dont think its in anyone's best interests to force this and will be patient for a few more weeks, but insist he takes the littler one for day too.

Gosh, I hope things do improve. Feels like snakes and ladders at the moment....

So basically you're saying that your ex has now come round to the idea of a regular routine. That you offered every other weekend but he says his work commitments won't allow that. but he can manage one day every weekend (inc overnight) instead. Did he offer that btw or did you dictate it?

You then want him to also do a mid week when he hasn't asked for it but you think it would be nice (again you dictating what you want, not looking for a compromise or what works for you all - that is how it will seem to him I suspect).

By offering to buy the gate and cot etc it's like you're trying to force it. He's backing away from that. You also say that he's probably thinking it's hard work and he lack's confidence. Well you know you're right, it is very hard work, and if you're not used to it it can be really daunting. So maybe start by letting him get used to the one day and/or overnight and work from there. No point running before he can walk, much as you might like the break and think it will be great for the dc etc you all have to be on board with it here. And in time I'm sure he will want and ask for more.

Why not start with the 1 day at the weekend and see how that goes and then let it build up from there as your ex gets more used to the practicalities of being a hands on parent.

I know you are frustrated that your job works around your children and you are there for them. And it would be nice if your ex was the same. But the realities of the workplace and life is that most men do not get involved in very much childcare and find it harder to ask or get flexible hours for childcare.

You are the resident parent and he is the contact parent. You don't have a shared parenting arrangement and it doesn't sound like you or he are wanting this or would be able to manage it. Therefore you are always going to be the one who takes on the most responsibity and works your life around your children. It's not fair I agree, but it's pretty much how it works in married couples for the large part; one parent accepting the role of primary carer and the otehr as breadwinner.

Try not to dictate so much. Accept the one day a weekend as a starting point and go with it for now.

Best wishes

I take your point re dictating vs offering. I think you may well be right that he thinks I am dictating when he has contact. I will bear that in mind when I communicate with him.

I also agree no point forcing contact with littler one until he is ready. I would not want this either. I thought I was trying to be helpful by offering safety gate and cot etc. It may be came across that I am being pushy about him taking both plus a bit emasculating as I am effectively bailing him out financially as he says he cannot afford these things(like many men, he wants to feel he can support himself).

Its hard sometimes as no matter how we say things, I sometimes get the impression he is still very emotionally involved and so reacts badly to any suggestion that contact needs to take place outside my home as its a form of rejection.

I am kind of dispairing though as I feel I will never get through to him. This week he popped over unannounced which I find quite awkward (no advance phone call). When I asked him to call before hand in the future to make sure we were in/not just going our etc he said that I was trying to provoke an argumement.

I have offered him the weekend contact you suggested and still he not happy...he just seems to criticize and pick at me.

Sorry, I know a lot of people have difficult exes and in some ways I am lucky to have a job/ good childcare but he is really wearing me down.