Hi - need advice on finances after separating...

[LaDietrich]

HI I am new to this part of the board - split with exH officially in January though we lived apart nder same roof for 4 months before that.
We have two lovely daughters (9 and 7)and are trying to deal with each other as amicably as possible for their sakes.

One area that we come to a total impasse on is the area of finances and I wondered if you guys could share thoughts and experiences.

Our situation is that me and girls are still in family home. They stay with me most of the week and then we have alternate weekends (usually - unless we need to rejig) he usally has them one night a week as I go out to a class.

he is rentng a flat. We have a mortgage on our home.

according to CSA calculator he should pay £440 pcm assming girls are at mine 5 days a week or £385 if they are at mine 4 days a week. He was qibbling with the £440 because two mornings a week he comes to mine and gets them ready/takes them to school. So he thought that should also be taken into account. So I said ok £385.

Then he pays for his rent on his flat.

Until we come to other arrangment re house and what is happening to it I suggested he needs to pay half the mortgage. As he would get half the equity when we sell (I assume)

He is not a bit happy with this and is accusing me of being inflexible.

His recent messages on the subject made me feel so money-grubbing I told him I didn't want anything from him. That I'd sell the house, give him half and ask for nothing. I hate being made to feel I am chasing for money from him.

At the moment he has told me he will give me £600 a month, for now, until further notice, and we have no agreement over the house or equity or anything. This makes me feel very unsettled and uncertain.

I wondered if any of you could say whether I am being unreasonable in expecting him to pay half the mortgage until we get this agreed, on top of maintenance.

I've suggested he could pay proportionately les mortgage per month but that I think that should mean he is then entitled to proportionately less equity.

I offered to try to buy him out at 10% of equity (all I could afford) and waive my rights to his pension

he never really responds to my proposals except angrily to say I am unreasonable and inflexible, never suggests anything himself (exactly like he was in our 20 years together so no surprises there)

neither of us is particularly well paid - we are in london so salaries don't stretch very far, we'll both be fairly broke

the mortgage is £250K - works out at £800 pcm interest only btw...so I am really asking for £400 (being half that) + the maintenance at our agreed level of £385 pcm

am I being unreasonable?

I will struggle to pay whole mortgage on my own...and that's only the interest...

maybe sit with a mediator and discuss?

if he ahs to rent i can see why paying half mortgage as well could be bit much... you coudl use the maintenace for the mortgage? i dunno legally - have a freee half hour witha solciitor then get a mediation s ession

yes, have started to see from that pov cestlavie but then i get to wondering why I should be paying all the mortgage every month while he stands to gain from it? but maybe that is the wrong way to think about it...I just don't know

am in London - don't think they do free half hours here and when I saw solicitor last time he charged me £100 basically to tell me to get ex to work to how much he could afford ... ie wasn't much help

Hi, have a look at www.resolution.org.uk (a website which lists family lawyers who have signed up to deal with family matters amicably).

Any solicitor who isn't prepared to talk to you for at least 10 minutes on the phone for free is not worth considering (speaking as a now on maternity leave family solicitor!)

If you manage to get maintenance for your children and half of the mortgage paid you are dong really well. Usually it's 1 or the other, but it depends on how much income your H has and whether he can afford to pay rent, half the mortgage and money for the children. If he can then it's a bit of a different story.

Good luck.

hi cbmum - thanks for your message - will look at that website - well he says he can't afford it...and I reckon it would be tough for him

but if he doesn't pay towards the mortgage what happens to his rights over the house/equity?

apparantly he is setting something out in an email tonight or tomorrow, asking me to forget about what I am "entitled to" and just try to be reasonable...this is all so hard...

If you had moved out to rent a flat, would you expect to pay half the mortgage as well?

to prism - possibly not but then I would have tried to make the marriage work

also, if I were dragging my feet and not proposing anything re equity split or other financial arrangements I might not be surprised to be asked at least...

marital asset if you married - it wont make that much difference whether he pays mortgage or not next couple years while you sort out finances. basis would be 50/50 split - but depends also where children will live etc.

LaD, I'm in west London and found a fab divorce lawyer through the website, she's based in Kew, is that any good for you?

She is trying to sort out my finances, I left marital home and bought my own, have girls aged 12 and 10 with me 4 or 5 nights a week. He has given me £212k but half equity alone is £350k before we talk pensions etc. My mortgage is over £800 a month too. I don't want to fleece him, but he is not playing fair so far. I bought the best house I could afford and it's a compact 3 bed semi, he has huge three storey five bed house worth about £750k.

OK- well, if it's his idea to move out then I think he ought to accept that he should keep paying his half of the mortgage. On the other hand if it's more a question of it being impossible to live together and him making life easier for you by moving out, then possibly not.

He could just move back in until you sell your home, and you have to consider what it's worth to both of you to avoid that situation- if it is of equal benefit to you both, he should pay half the mortgage but you should pay half his rent.

Remember that people always expect more, but get less, from divorce than they expect. His rights to the property are unaffected by whether he pays the mortgage at the moment, though his chances of ever moving back in are radically diminished by the fact that he has moved out.

Sorry to sound so gloomy but if you can't buy him out of the home right now you will have a tricky time ahead no matter what. But it will be OK in then end!

One more thought is that you could roll up the payments he isn't making and deduct them from his share of the profit (or at least equity) when you do sell the house. That would be entirely reasonable and might focus his mind a bit...

well, we agreed together that he should leave as he wasn't prepared to put any effort into making the marriage work, had had flings and wasn't deaing with his alcohol issues...he didn't officially leave us, though in my mind of course he did as he wasn't prepared to try to make things work...

no I can't afford to buy him out at 50% equity now, I just about could at 10% ,,,

I didn't think it was necessary a straight 50 : 50 split, as I will always be providing primary residence for kids

yes, I guess if he isn't contributing to mortgage that could be taken into account when we try to sort out equity distribution at the end...

oh bloody hell, it's all so tricky, especially when you are dealing with an ostrich whose main focus is on his next drink and his new girlfriend

but thanks for the words that it will all work out - of course it will, one way or other , I just can't help wishing it was a bit easier right now

LaD I really feel for you my exh made his verbal financial offer last night and I think comment you get less from divorce than you are expecting applies here !!

I too wish it was easier divorce just keeps on giving doesnt it

gettingeasier - at least your ex is at the stage of making offers! all mine does is moan about whatever I suggest and accuse me of inflexibility and then ignore the subject for weeks until hassled again...

hope it's not as bad as it sounds for you

also lilac21 - thanks for your offer - I am in SE london so not so close to kew...but I guess I could take her details just in case if you think she is good...

I think I have to stop trying to deal with ex myself over this...it's stil too emotional

Thought I'd make a more concrete suggestion- you should definitely talk to a mortgage advisor about what options you have- you may be surprised at what can be done. This is an unfortunate time to be doing it (when I was in this situation mortgage companies were throwing money at homeowners) but lenders are beginning to remember that they make money by lending to people so they'd better get back to doing it. I can put you in touch with one if you like but I'm sure you'll know someone who has mortgaged through a financial advisor- maybe you did yourself.

That's if you do want to stay where you are- I'm assuming you do.