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Will he ever change?!

6 replies

poopeeplops · 28/06/2010 15:08

Hi just need to vent really and if anyone has any advice.
I just emailed my sons dad as he is still not making any effort with him, i took him to meet him 2mths ago and nothing has changed yet, ive copied the email, thoughts on this please as i now feel a bit guilty and not sure why, think its cos im scared that he might just cut contact all together, well to be honest at the moment its only a few texts here and there.

He wasnt around for the pregnancy but gave me alot of hassle and was aggressive towards the end of pregnancy and now is just not making any effort. He says he wants to be involved but doesnt act on it.

Email I sent to sons dad below -

There is a couple of things that need to be said.

After we met up i really thought things would change but it seems that you are quite happy to just wait for me to make the effort to come and bring Louis to see you again rather than visiting yourself. Will you actually visit us instead as i still havent heard anything from you about it and it is so easy to find on the internet especially after i gave you the websites to look on.

A few texts here and there saying 'how is my son?' is not really what works in this situation, you never use his name and i find it quite insulting as you are not doing anything for him in any way and i am doing everything so when you say 'your son', i think its actually quite comical as you dont contribute in any way at all. Im well aware that i said i didnt want anything from you but i thought you might at least offer something for him.

I thinks its really sad that when i offered you the chance to have more visits with Louis you didnt really give me a answer as to whether you wanted to or not at a contact centre, my father has more of a father relationship with him, taking him swimming, down the beach, playing and making him laugh and seeing all his first things and to be honest he is always there when he says he will be for louis.

You need to think about what kind of role you want in his life because im not just havin a few texts here and there and thinking thats enough, you dont seem to want to know what hes doing so i always keep it short and not much detail and to be honest on fathers day i spent the whole day thinkin about you instead of my dad hoping that it will not be this hard every year on fathers day.

You either want to get to kno him and regularly spend time with him or you dont - simple.

If you do then you need to make that effort too as ive tried so many times and well it shouldnt be this hard to get you to want to see louis

I dont want this to seem harsh but it is how it is and Louis 'your son' deserves better!!

OP posts:
chattymitchie · 28/06/2010 15:42

hmmm ... sounds exactly like my XP!

I'm in the same situation, and have been looking for help too - I've been told not to bother confronting him, just keep a log of everything he does and says. I'm not making any effort any more with him. Maybe you should stop taking your son to him and wait for him to come to you. At the end of the day if he wants to be a good dad he'll prove it. If he doesn't I guess there's no point trying to make it easy for him. I'm hoping that my little boy will work it out for himself one day

cestlavielife · 28/06/2010 16:09

i dont see an isseu with him saying "my son"... but i dont think your email will achieve anything - good for you to vent but either he wants to have contact or he doesnt...you cant force him...

son is a baby right?

jsut show that you keeping avenues open... but really is up to him.

as a babay your ds isnt going to ntice much difference - as he gets older yes, but if dad is going to be inconsistent then granddad can be "father figure" and so be it?

poopeeplops · 28/06/2010 16:56

thanx so u think i should leave it now? and if he contacts me wiv these texts now and again how should i respond? I sent that email as im just tired of it always being his way of communicating and never changing, its like i cant get on wiv my life until i know something definate from him.

OP posts:
chattymitchie · 28/06/2010 17:21

my XP sends random texts now and again asking how DS is, or whether he's teething, or eating solids. Last time I just said it wasn't part of my role to keep him informed. Not exactly constructive but I was fed up with him expecting me to do exactly what he wants without offering anything. We're not together so I don't see why it's my job to tell him anything. If he wants to know, he can always visit.

katerum · 28/06/2010 19:21

i would reply 'ok'

or 'fine'

let him angle for more info (if he wants it)

i think hes giving you his answer tbh, hes not especially interested.

for your son, thank goodness he has an involved, interested grandpa.

good luck, be strong.

LittleBeth53 · 29/06/2010 02:12

Sounds exactly like my situation and my little boy hasn't even been born yet! I'm 7 months pregnant with my 1st baby, the father left me when I was 12 weeks & I didn't see him at all after that, then out the blue he sent me an email a month ago saying how sorry he was & how he wanted to become involved in the remainder of my pregnancy & then in the raising of "his son."

He's done sod all though. I let him back in against the advice of all the people who are closest to me & we've only spoken once. The whole time I've been pregnant, just once. He keeps saying he wants to talk, to plan, to prepare for "our" child together but everything else is always more important.

I sent texts & emails asking to sort things out then if that was the plan. First, he said he couldn't meet to talk for a week because he was building a garden deck for his friends parents. Then after that, he said he couldn't meet again because he had loads of uni work to do (a 26 year old still in uni!!!) & that was going to take another week & just last tuesday he said he couldn't meet up again for another 2 weeks because he was going away to do some work (he's a musician.) Turns out he's actually in Turkey with his ex girlfriend!

He's never been to an appointment, to a scan, to pick baby stuff with me, nothing. I asked him for one thing only since he's been back & that was to come with me to just ONE appointment because they need to take some blood off me & I always go squiffy! My mum normally goes with me to 'blood appointments' but she's just had surgery & is bedridden, so I asked him to help me to not pass out. Unfortunately though, when my appointment comes on friday, he'll be crisping himself on a beach in Marmaris with a cold beer in his hand & his ex girlfriend rubbing sun cream into his back.

Now I have so many people, strangers even saying, "think of your baby, let him be a father, it's not about you," and I find it incredibly insulting & condesending. I AM thinking of my baby! I have from the moment the second line showed up on my home pregnancy test! I've washed my hands of him. Never again will I text him, email him or call. If he calls me I'll deal with it in whichever way is best appropriate but if he doesn't, I'm getting on with my life, I'm going to enjoy the rest of the summer, have my baby in September & then I'm going to enjoy him & our lives together. My baby's father is no longer a priority to me.

You're not alone. Men are absolute total shits to their kids & the mother of their kids & then get away with it. It's disgusting. But I would just suggest you get on with you & your son's lives, enjoy each other, make the most of every precious second wjile he's still little & put this loser out of your mind. Ignore a few of his texts. The most annoying thing in the world is being ignored. I bet if you ignore a couple it'll perk up his attention & you'll notice a difference in his interest.

All the best. x x x

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