Its over now... and XH wants shared custody... What do I do?

[Mistiek]

Well as of yesterday I am now officially a loan parent... XH and I still have a lot to talk about, need to tell the DC 3 and 5 YO and decide what to do about custody.

Im so confused though as he would like shared custody... and although its not commonly heard of here, where is it written that the mother must get all the custody. Dont get me wrong I am not happy to not see my children every day... but then I can't emagine he is either. I know this is going to hurt him horribly if I have full custody and give him every alternate weekend... we did it before. Kids were fine with that by XH lost out on a lot of time.

However I feel I will get a lot of flack from others if I allow it.. which does not bother me... what does bother me is the negativity around it...

What I want to know is if the negativity is right! Will it be worse or better for the kids... They love there father dearly and he is so good with them, it kills me that we are seperating and can not make this work...

Any advice would be hugly appreciated... Shared custody or not?

It's not for you to decide and tell him your decision. The only way this will work is if you talk and compromise.

Unilateral decisions will end up with you defending your choice, him fighting for his "rights" and the only winners are the solicitors and the real losers are the kids.

Ask yourself this? What if your xh told you that you can only see the kids alternate weekends? Would that be fair? I doubt it.

Why alternate weekends?
I have thought about shared custody - but at the moment it's impractical because of work and accommodation difficulties.
I had a pupil who used to spend 4 days Dad, 8 Mum - but I did think it was hard on the kid because she had no permanent base and it was in different towns which made it difficult with friends.
But it needs to be done by talking.

shared residency is becoming the norm more and more,and doesnt actually mean each parent has a 50/50 share of time with the dc.

its more an equal footing type of thing

why worry what others think? surely you want the best outcome for dc

Niceguy2 I only partly agree with you...

Firstly there will be no solicitors until we can actually get a divorce which will be at lesat 2 years from now...

We still love each other but its just not working so we are not out to hurt the other or to make life difficult for the other and will do this without the courts and amicabily. My question is not about what I think I should do in the respect that I will tell him what I want... but what is right for the kids. xh is old school and will never take the kids away form the mother so wont fight me for custody and has mearly made a request which I would like to honour if its in the kids interest., So unfortunately the decision does lie on me and if my research shows its not a good idea for the kids I will have no choice to put my foot down for the sake of the kids.... NOT me...

May I also point out that in my origianl post I made it quite clear that I feel for him and dont want to hurt him as cant emagine being asked to do the same... so your last question was not needed and to be honest felt like an unfair dig...

Im looking for a solution to make us BOTH happy not a telling off...

It worked for me with my older DCs and Ex-H. They were with him, in former marital home, from Sun night to Wed am - I picked them up from after-school club Wed nights. I missed them like hell, I know they missed me, but it was the right thing to do - Ex-H was a crap husband but always a good parent. We were geographically close, etc., and we both worked FT then so no obvious SAHP. And years and years later (they're young adults now - were 6 & 8 when we started this) Ex-H and I are very good friends, partly because we've had to be. It's doable, with some effort and heartache involved.

robd: Its what we did last time...

It was the only thing we could do at the time as he was living 40min drive from me so I had the kids for the week, he baby sat 1 night a week while I was at college and had them alterante weekends. He would not have had them every weekend as he would then not have had time for himself...

Lots of people share parenting, you don't have to defend your decision to anyone, except perhaps your children...

www.spig.clara.net/share.htm

Oh and neither of your have automatic custody unless you go to court to request it. So unless you officially ask a judge to decide on custody (shared or otherwise), or you agree between yourselves to sign something official, it's really not an issue unless you make it one.

Good luck, your children will thank you for it one day.

In response to your question Niceguy, and though I'm not the OP, if I thought it best for the kids to have one main home and see the other parent only once a week or fortnight etc. then yes, I would be prepared to be the other parent if it was better for them.

It's not about what's 'fair' for the adults, as OP says it's about what it better for the kids.

maybe asking the children would be a good way to go - or trying an arrangement for while, and seeing what they feel about it after a few weeks or months.

Some children might want to live with one parent most of the time, others might like the constant swapping over. It's individual.

What I will say without any compunction is that you are in a VERY good situation considering you still love each other and are not in the throes of a nasty separation.

It makes all the difference.

Good luck but I don't think you'l especially need it! it sounds a very positive situation.

I think this word "custody" has a lot to answer for. You'll find people in the family court don't like using it, and it was largely written out of circulation in the 1989 Children's Act, because it gives the impression that the children are the property of one parent, to be lent out to the other.

If you can come up with a shared care arrangement you should definitely do that, certainly as a starting point. I cannot imagine why people would give you flak for doing it- it really is none of their business, and if the children can spend more or less equal time with both parents, you will all benefit.

I am in a similar situation, in that DH and I are splitting up. My DS's are 3 and 5. DH is moving out next week. The arrangement we have agreed to is 50/50 shared care. The lawyers steered us in this direction, although we wanted this anyway. Our decision was based on the fact that the kids mean the world to both of us and it seemed the fairest way of managing a terribly sad situation. I can't tell u yet if this will work or of the impacts it will have on the kids, however we did tell them yesterday and so far, they are okay. I'm hoping with all my heart that they will both continue to be okay.

DH and me, like yourself, are not planning to divorce yet. What we did do is make a "Financial Agreement", supported by both our lawyors, so it was totally clear what our financial arrangements were, although the childcare arrangements were not included in this document. I don't know your exact circumstances, but it may be worth considering this route.

Hope this helps. Best of luck.

I think it depends how you manage it and explain it to your children. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
Sharing them amicably is by far the best way for the kids, without worrying too much about the actual equalling of time because there's work and travel to take into account

There is a lot of confusion about terminology;

"Custody" and "access" were replaced with "residence" and contact some years ago.

Parental responsibility gives both parents equal legal status.

Residence settles living arrangements and a child might live solely with one parent or residence might be shared. Shared residence may be shared in different proportions as agreed between parents or defined in the terms of a court order.

There is no one arrangement that suits all families. For example depending on age and personality predisposition some children adapt to changing over every couple of nights whereas other children are more settled changing over less frequently for longer periods.

Above all arrangements need to be practical. There is no point in a father demanding to have the children on a school night if he never leaves the office until 7pm. Likewise there is no point in a mother insisting on routine if that means the child goes to child care when the father is available to look after them.

If you can compromise and reach agreement there is usually no harm in trying an arrangement out for a few months with the proviso it will be reviewed. What often happens then is arrangements naturally fall into place - Dad discovers shared residence is a bigger commitment than he thought and wants to reduce the time the children are with him or Mum wants to decrease the hours she has the children to take on more work and/or socialise.

dh and I had a shared arrangement for the two years when we separated, and it was fine. A little complicated logistically (we had one hand over at the weekend and the other one on Wednesdays, so the children had to take their handover stuff to school). They were about the same age as your two (perhaps 6 and 4) and took it in their stride (I heard dd boasting to a friend that she had two houses). The pluses for us is that when we had the children we were totally responsible and then we also had our days off (I used to say that it was like being a single mum half the week and just single the other half) and we had no issues about maintenance, so not much to argue about, which is probably why the children weren't badly affected.

But you do need to live fairly close to each other (or at least to school) and it is a bind if either of you ever want to move.

Hi Mistiek.

My question wasn't supposed to be a telling off but to merely try and get you to think of what it would be like if the shoe were on the other foot. Believe it or not, there are plenty of women who think they have the right to dictate to the man because they are "mum".

You actually came across like you want to be fair which is why I suggested that this is something which needs to be discussed. He may be old school but he still has feelings. I stand by the point that the only way it will work is if you both hammer out an agreement.

You deciding for the both of you will only lead to bitterness. Him for only being "allowed" to see his kids at your behest. You for having to make all the decisions and take the blame.

Trust me, been there done it.

That said, if he lives a fair drive away and is happy with an alternate weekend then there's nothing wrong with that.

My point is that its got to be something he's happy with too and therefore it needs to be talked about.