Help ....

[chattymitchie]

Ive only posted on here a few times but really appreciate the advice ...

my ex partner dumped me whils i was pregnant, and since the baby was born he has been to visit only 4 times in nearly six months. He's all talk about what a great parent he's going to be, but basically quibbles about maintenance and never sees his son. He's fallen out with my parents, who were supervising his visits (to make sure he wasn't abusive to me!). Now he obviously doesn't want to spend time in their house so he's demanding that he take the baby (who's only 5 months) out of the house each time he visits. He knows nothing about his son, his son has absolutely no idea who he is, and last time he visited his son cried everytime he held him. now he says he's bringing an assessor who will force me to let him take our son unsupervised. I don't know what to do, he's always been offered unlimited access, but because he hasn't taken the opportunity, the baby has no idea who he is, and i'm extremely worried that the baby would become extremely distressed without me there . i've said that he can have time alone with the baby in the house until they know each other better, but he's still insisting n bringing an assessor. what should, or can I, do?

the baby will be fine without you, so long as he doesnt represent an actual threat of harm. another adult can take care of your baby.

more importantly - who is this "assessor"? you have right to know - just play along with this - if this is someone from CAFCASS then fine - but then it would go thru a court.

ask for their ID, under what guise they coming, what report will be written and for who? just ask the questions calmly....

he does have rights for contact; if there are concerns eg dv you can ask for supervised at a contact centre.

was there any police record etc of his abuse to you?court case?

Is your ex's name on the birth certificate? If not then he does not have Parental Responsibility for your child, therefore it's up to you when and where he can see your child and it's up to you who he brings along with him to these visits. He can apply for PR by going through the courts but it sounds to me like that would be too much of an effort for him as he can't really be bothered to see his son anyway.

If the father is named on the birth certificate then unfortunatly he does have PR and he would need to be consulted on education, health and other major decisions in your child?s life.

I hope for your sake that you didn't put him on the birth certificate because he sounds as though he wants an 'assessor' not for the sake of his son but to carry on emotionally abusing you as he knows it will upset you.

Yes, unfortunately he's on the birth certificate, he guilt tripped me into that as well .. and I thought at the time that it would be best for my little boy to know his dad, although now I'm definitely not so sure.

I just don't know how to deal with it, he's lying about everything, saying he hasn't visited because 'motherhood is a traumatic experience so I gave you time and space' even though we kept saying he could visit whenever he wanted, so he's palming off responsibility for his lack of visits as well. He's lying about his communication with the CSA, which I know because they have his conversations on record ... but every time I bring any of this up he says he won't discuss it because he doesn't want an argument. And now he's demanding that he can take our little boy away from the house, but he's not planning to come any more often. I feel sick about it, and feel so worried about my little boy having to go off with a stranger, and I know full well that the dad would never tell me if the baby cried for hours on end.

I know he's got his rights, but would an assessor be reasonable and say that he would need to spend more time with his son before unsupervised visits could begin?

How is motherhood 'traumatic'? It's hard work yes but also very rewarding, the birth could be classed as traumatic but not the actual motherhood part.

As you now know, It was a very bad move putting his name on the Birth Certificate, especially as you wasn't together when your baby was born. You need to start keeping a log of all times he comes and sees your son, all the times he phones to ask about about him, how much money he gives you to support him - basically anything he does that involves your son, I think that the only way out of this one is to take your ex to court and go for only supervised access, you can prove that he's not a good father and his visits are sporadic and that he is basically, by his choice, a stranger to your son. I don't think your ex will give up until you take legal action, he knows he is hurting you and will carry on doing so if you don't take him to court. Why not phone a family law solicitor and just see what your rights and his rights are? Most do free consultations. Otherwise go and see citizens advice and see what they say.

As I said before, if you push this legally with any luck your ex will just give up because he really doesn't seem that interested in the baby anyway, he's just a game player that wants to emotionally abuse you. Good luck, and take action asap because nothing will change otherwise.

what assessor? from which organization? who is this assessor?

Have you got independent evidence of his tosspot behaviour ( records of injuries if he hit you, a log of calls to the police if he was violent enough for them to be called?) Make sure you log every incident of bad behaviour, whether that's not turning up when he's supposed to, or lying, or being aggressive.
As to this 'assessor', it;s unlikely to be anyone with any authority given that the XP is a bully and a tosspot - it's probably a mate of his in a borrowed suit. Very few people are allowed to enter your home if you don't want them there: if someone turns up claiming to be an 'assessor' demand ID, if they claim to be from the police ring the local police station (not whatever number the person gives you) if they claim to be from social services ring the council. If they are from any other organisation, tell them to piss off.
And get yourself a solicitor - Women's Aid can recommend you a good one in your area. Fend this knobber off, remember that he is not entitled to any kind of relationship with you if you do not want any contact with him - everything to do with access can be handled through a third party.

Thanks everyone, it's reassuring to know that I'm not going completely mad .... I wondered whether it was me being totally unreasonable, but yes, I am keeping a log of his lies and contradictions, and have kept a diary of the few times he has visited. I think I'll take you advice and consult a family law solicitor, seems like the next step as I'm at a total loss as to how to deal with him. And cestlavielife and solidgoldbrass, I have asked him where the assessor is coming from, but surprise surprise communication has gone dead again, I presume you're right and either he hadn't organised anything and was trying to scare me, or he was going to bring a mate in a borrowed suit. God he's such a nightmare. Or maybe he decided it wasn't a good idea when I said I would tell them that he is an unreliable and untrustworthy parent ....

All seems to have gone quiet again now - I told him I had checked with the CSA about the lie he had told, and the CSA had confirmed they would put in writing their conversation with him which basically confirms him as a liar - and again surprisingly he has nothing to say so he just stops communicating. The last I heard from him he was insisting that if I had any concerns with him I had to raise them through an independent mediator .... although obviously when he has demands and concerns he just goes right ahead and e-mails me.

Aaaaaarrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and he's not been violent, just verbally and emotionally abusive. He wanted me to terminate the baby (the one he claims to be such a good parent to), and because he didn't want his life to change he said I had to move an hour away from my home to live with him, and when I said could we live near my friends and family for the first year as I would need a support network during the day, he called me an 'evil f*king, selfish, btch'. And then he dumped me. And since then he has called me controlling, bullying, he gives me guilt trips about 'I don't know when enough will ever be enough' in terms of both money and access to his son (i.e. he's claiming I restrict access, but when I say he doesn't visit ENOUGH, he says he doesn't know when enough will ever be enough for me). But how can you prove that this is all emotional abuse?

The courts will see that it's emotional abuse, keep writing those logs. If I was you I would write everything down that has happened since he started being a complete dick head, just to make sure that you don't forget anything if and when it does go to court.

Phone the solicitor first thing monday morning to find out your rights and make sure you let us know! Good Luck!

Thanks NettyJC, I will definitely go and talk to a solicitor. I've read every book I can find about how to deal with people like him, but nothing seems to work. It's like he's got a teflon coating, he just slips and slides away whenever you actually catch him lying or contradicting himself ... and when I point it out he says I'm being aggressive and that he won't be drawn into an argument because it's not in the best interests of our son. What a load of SH1T. It's driving me totally insane.

He's coming to my parent's house next week, and I really want to confront him with all his lies, contradictions, inconsistencies etc - but don't know whether it will achieve anything?

I don't see why 'for the good of our son' I have to sit back and be the good guy whilst he dicks everyone around, makes no effort and lies about everything. In my mind, for the good of my son I'd rather keep him away from such a negative influence.

BAH HUMBUG

DOn't confront him. Don't waste your energy. He is a KNOB and that's the only explanation you will ever get - some people are just fundamentally complete shit. There's soemthing wrong wit the wiring in their brains that means nothing and no one else actually matters to them. He knows perfectly well that his behaviour causes you distress, but he either actively enjoys your distress and feeds off it, or your distress is irrelevant to him because the only thing that matters is what he wants.
The only thing to do with people like this is cut contact with them as far as possible, get everything handled via a solicitor and officially documented, then just ignore him. If he keeps emailing/phoning/turning up then report him to the police for harassment.

Is there any point in confronting him? By the sounds of it he will just act a complete arse, blame you for everything and tell even more lies - then that will leave you feeling even more frustrated. It wont achieve a thing, it's not like if you confront him he's going to admit his mistakes.

Only way forward is to get legal advice, MAKE him stop his emotional games that he likes to play, all the talking in the world wont get you anywhere. Would be lovely if you could keep him away from your son but sadly he's a game player and while he can still affect you emotionally he's not going to give up.

hmmm ... thankyou SolidGoldBrass and Netteyjc, you are both right, confronting him will be a total waste of time. His lies are obvious from his e-mails so I guess trying to make him admit it is pointless anyway. I should just concentrate on not getting so frustrated, I guess I'm letting him control my emotions which is utterly pointless. So yes, first thing tomorrow is call to solicitor, then will see what they suggest. Thanks!!!! Sometimes it's difficult to know the best thing to do - he keeps saying we need to be amicable, which is fine if he wasn't such pathetic, untrustworthy, lying, irresponsible piece of sh1t.

Sorry - vent over.

But then I've read so many posts on here and I hear exactly the same story from other women, how their XP/XHs say they want to be amicable, they want to be a good parent - but they don't pay, they don't visit, they demand their rights - and when you call them on it they say it's YOU being bullying and controlling. Ho hum.

Hi, I admit I haven't read the whole thread but I wanted to comment because my situation was similar in a lot of ways and I managed to resolve it in a way that suits me and Dd although it might not suit everyone.

I also split from ex-husband while pregnant and moved in with my parents for a while and I also wanted them in the house for his visits to dd as he was intimidating to me although not violent. He also wanted to take baby out of parent's house after he fell out with parents but I did not allow it. For the same reasons you state. It struck me as ridiculous to let a newborn baby go off with a man who is a total stranger and inexperienced around babies. I let him take me through the legal processed and, guess what? CAFCASS agreed with me.

they said he could build a relationship with her in my parents' home and then take her away on his own when he had done that. Needless to say, when he didn't get his way immediately he scarpered and we haven't see him since!

Haven't had a penny off him either but we are much happier and dd is now 3 and I'm working - we manage and we are free!! I urge you to stick to your guns and let CAFCASS demonstrate common sense. Keep logs as others have advised.

Wow, that's so good to know. I was really worried because I know that the courts will encourage a father's contact, but didn't know whether they would be reasonable about developing a bond before he could take the baby away from the house.

I feel a million times better

When you went through the courts did you provide evidence of his intimidation? I've only got e-mails from just after the baby was born, in the sake of being amicable I deleted all the ones before that

Chattymitchie - This story is a little but different but just goes to prove that the courts aren't stupid and will only go with what is in the best interest of the child ....

My sister was with the same guy for 10 years, they had two children and when she was 7 months pregnant with their third he decided that he didn't want a family anymore, he just wanted to be young free and single and 'go out with his mates'. Anyway, he left her and had no contact with her until her youngest was about 9 months old ( during this time trying to get money off him was like getting blood from a stone and he would constantly lie to the CSA ... even his work lied for him), when the baby was about 9 months old he met another woman and so he didn't look like a dead beat Dad in front of her he decided that he wanted to see his kids. My sister flatly refused ( the oldest two didn't know him anymore and the baby had never met him), he took her to court, she could prove that he wasn't interested in them and the courts decided in favour of her and said that he could not see his children and suggested that he tried again when they were older and see if they wanted to see him then. He soon gave up and couldn't be bothered to fight it, his youngest is now 11 and has never seen him and has no wishes to do so. If the courts think it's in the best interest of the child ( which It would be in your case) then they wont encourage contact. It's still been a hard slog getting money from him but she now has a specialised solicitor who deals only in CSA claims, they hound him and the CSA and he is made to pay for his children - they also wont let the CSA get away with any of the rubbish that they are known to come out with.

I personally think that your ex will be the same as chrysothei's, as soon as he knows that you are going through the legal system he'll back down and go and crawl back underneath the rock he came from. He is nothing but a bully and bullies don't like to be told what to do, the courts wont let him get away with his unreasonable behaviour.

Thanks NetteyJC, it's really reassuring. I thought that we were going to be able to be reasonable about access, but he just demands whatever he wants, and if I say he goes off the deep end with his guilt trips and emotional black mail. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother being reasonable and letting him do what he wants, if he had got his way my DS would be a distant memory, because as my XP said - he didn't want a baby because he wanted to travel that year .... what an arse. Now he blames the whole thing on me, says I did it on purpose, and that I've ruined his life ... and then demands to have unsupervised time with the baby he doesn't want, and never sees. It's all beyond me. But at least people on here are saying that the courts are reasonable, I was expecting to hear more horror stories to be honest!

Just one more question - I'm ringing round trying to find a decent family solicitor, I don't really want to have to go through court, but could I just deal with XP through a solicitor? I.e. put my point across to him without having to do it personally, or is a solicitor always a precursor to going to court?

You could try and just send him a solicitors letter with the points you wants raised, see what happens then, he could be 'threatened' with court if his behaviour continues, not sure that he will actually back off though until he realises that you are 100% serious? Try the solicitors letter and see what happens. Are you legal aided? If not then why don't you just go to the citizens advice first and see exactly where you stand and what your rights are?

hi, yes I did keep logs with dates for when we went to court. To be honest, I got off really lightly because he scarpered when he didn't get his own way. I knew it was reasonable to let him have her once he had built a bond but i was dreading it.

I just feel she is so much better off without him in her life. i agree it is better for kids to have a father but only if it's a good father. They don't need a father at any price.

It sounds like your parents are supportive and that means your child will have an extended family and not just you. Me and DD are really happy like this and I hope you will be too

Thanks everyone, it's all gone quiet at the moment from him, but am arranging a meeting with a solicitor to go through everything

let us know how you get on xxx