So it looks like I am officially a Lone Parent

[Flamesparrow]

How do I stop thinking? How do I stop going over every aspect of my marriage trying to work out what is truth and what was a lie?

How do I listen to my daughter make that hideous wail again (when we told her DH was moving out for work she let out this howl like an animal. I now need to tell her he won't be coming back).

The first time I said he had to tell them based on my own experiences as a child. Now mother lioness has kicked in. They are my babies. I haven't fucked off and left them to "be happy in myself". I'm not "hugging and talking" to women in the middle of the night. I will be the one to tell them.

But god it will hurt.

It all hurts.

I know I can do this. I know we will be better off. But right now I am just sat trying to work out where the man I fell in love with went. That man would have done anything to make me happy. He would never have left children. Where has he gone?

I want my world back.

Oh you sound so down... not surprising really given the circumstances.

As the song goes... Things, Can Always Get Better.

Try to think of positives that may help you to stop thinking about other things.

Some positives:
You and your children are all together.
You have a roof over your head (well, I hope you do)
You won't have to wash xDH's smelly socks (well once you've chucked them all out!)

I don't really do relationships... I'm still single and probably will remain so quite frankly. My parents divorced when I was a young teen, up until the day mum, myself and my sisters packed everything into a truck I didn't really know what was happening.
Sounds like you have had experience in your childhood of divorce, so you know a bit of how your children are feeling. Take it day by day. Best thing I feel is to answer questions as honestly as possible. Keep the children informed as to what is happening.

When will we see daddy? May be a question that comes up. That is something you may already have sorted out, or it may be something that is yet to be agreed. Your children have a right to see their father and he has a right to see them... so it is something that will need to be sorted out.
Avoid going though Contact centres, it's horrible (I did some supervision a few years back)... as long as xDH is not a danger to the children, arrange the visitation rights between yourselves - will be cheaper as well than involving lawyers.

Focus on the Now and the future... avoid thinking about the past. Try to keep children in routines they already have... let school know what's happening (so they can support children in class).

I know I can do this. I know we will be better off.

Keep think along those lines.

Don't do the telling on your own, you'll get the blame, the fall out and the anger will be directed at you. And your ex won't see just how much pain his choices are causing his dd.

You should tell her together, try and be a united front and make it clear that you both love her very much. If she asks why you don't need to go into too many reasons or point the finger. Simply say that grown up reasons are really hard to explain and to understand, but that both of you will always be her mum and her dad and nothing will ever change that.

And as to your other questions... You can't stop thinking, nothing can stop that. The only thing I found that could blank the pain and heartache and lies from my mind for any length of time was sleeping pills. I didn't want to take them, but after a weekend of no sleep and lying in bed at night needing to sleep and still not being able to I knew I had to do something.

Eventually time will help you. I know it's a cliche but it really is true. It's not a quick fix by any means. Lots of time, it happens without you realising it.

And where did that man go you ask? Well if he was hiding behind lies then probably that man you thought he was probably was a lie all along. That was certainly true in my case.
Just remember the good things you got from it, the main one being your beautiful dd. She was made of love, and you can hold that in your heart and know that is completely true.

Be kind to yourself. Get through today and be the best mum you can for today. And just keep doing that each and every day. It does get better eventually.

hi flamesparrow
((((())))) fwiw i agree with gillybean, especially the part about telling her together if at all possible. and always try to keep an open relationship between you and your dd, it may be hard in teh early days when she is looking for someone to blame as she tries to work out her own feelings. she may feel guilty for still loving her dad ir she may not, i don't know. the one thing i have been able to talk to about dd is that she may hear thigns from different places that she is unsure about and that she can alwasy talk to you about anythign that concersn her. hth xx

I'm sorry I never came back to this - kind of crumpled.

We still haven't told them .

I am more settled in myself - my marriage hasn't been a lie and he hasn't been having an affair (in the true sense - he does accept his friendship went beyond what was acceptable, but that it didn't seem it to him as to him she is (?was - he doesn't seem to be seeing her as much) just a friend.

no need to apologise sweetheart

is he jsut saying that tho to try and placate you? ((((((()))))