I feel like a failure :(

[Allalone0]

I have name changed for this as i don't want to be found out by ex, so he can feel proud of himself.

I feel i have failed despite my trying so hard to stay with my abusive exh for the sake of the kids, i feel i have failed by not giving them the 'normal' family unit with two parents and not one.
I feel i have failed bcs i do not have a husband who lives with me and my dc. Instead i live on my own.
I have been separated from my exh due to some very strong suspicions i was having abt him abusing our dd. I caught him sneaking around at night coming from her room into ours.
Prior to that i had seen other signs on her body aswell as her behaviour getting out of hand. Which i did not think was due to abuse at the time. As i loved and trusted him.

I don't want to go into the details of it all, just need to let this emotion out as i have been carrying it around for too long.

Since we separated he went straight to my mums who is his paternal aunt as we are allowed to marry first cousins.
He is very manipulative and clever, he has been filling her with hatred for me. He has been searching very hard for something to put on me so that she will detest me. But despite not getting anything he has still made me out to look like the bad one.

She had stopped talking to me for a few mths now bcs of everything as i got frustrated and shouted at her bcs i was hurt that she wasn't there for me when i needed her most.

I went round today and tried to talk to her. I have wanted to just hug her and cry but not had the courage to do so. But today i did and she didn't hug me back. She only said one thing that i have become stubborn and am adamant on not getting back with him.

But i am not. I stayed with him despite how he was treating me for the sake of the kids and so as not to let her down, or lower her head in shame in the eyes of the community.

I don't hate her i hate him for making her think that way abt me. It seems that whatever i do i can never do anything right and he can never do anything wrong.
How much worse would he have to do for her to think differently of him?
Would she still think that way abt him if he had killed me?
I didn't want to live my life without a husband and for my dc to grow up without a dad. But i also could not carry on risking my dd's safety and wellbeing.
I am torn between my duty as a mother and what my mum wants me to do.
As a mother shouldn't she understand?
She refuses to believe that he has done anything wrong.
I found evidence of him reading incest sex stories, but she says its prob bcs he isn't living with me anymore.
I am stuck and have just so not wanted to be here anymore

I have tried to stay strong for my dc, but i can't help feelimg heartbroken that at this very difficult time she isn't there for me her own dd. Instead she is siding with him.

You are not a failure.

You sound very fed up with it all. Anyone would be. Try and get an appointment with your GP tomorrow. Let them know how you are feeling.

I am sure someone else will be able to give you more advice on here too.

Good luck.

You're not a failure. You're a heroine for protecting your dd when she need you to. You're a better mother than your own mother! You've done really well. It sounds like you're not getting much support within your own family/community, so it's worth looking elsewhere for support - everybody needs a friendly face! How about calling Women's Aid - they can still help even after a separation, and they might be able to refer you to another agency.

How is your DD now?

is is not you fault, it is his; you have done a great job protecting your dcs.

it i VERY hard when you stuck in there thinkin it best for dcs to continue...when they convince you everything is your fault...

agree with suggestion to seek outside help eg womens aid and post separation counselling.

if family dont support you, you ahve every right to cut off as far as possible ie maintain civil relationship if necessary but dont expect or demadn from them; and dont let them demand from you...

oh sweetheart you are not a failure, you are doing the best you can for your daughter with very little support from your own mother.

i agree with all suggestions on here and was in similar situation myself, though not because of the presence of abuse; it was abuse in another form, it was emotional and financial with ex. he still tries it today, even after 2 adn 1/2 years. for what it's worth though, me and dd are much closer adn we are able to chat about nearly evreything - before she goes to bed, she climbs on my lap for a cuddle and we chat. it is lovely. in your situation, i would advise you to go the gp, if you can, and tell them everything.and ask to be referred, both you and your dd, to trained counsellors.

it might also be worth, if you are ready, to talk to a female police officer about what has happened. ((((((((((())))))))

Butterfly,Hodie, Nick, Cestlavie and Aurora
Thank u 4 ur support and advice.
God knows i need it right now. Its been a tough time trying to keep it together on my own.
I had been to the police who got SS involved basically they interviwed dd at skool just the once and she didnt disclose anything so that was that as far as they were concerned.
No proof for them to go on. Bcs of this him and my family think i am just being stubborn and should accept that bcs the police have not pursued it that means there is nothing in it.
I have tried to stand my ground and keep saying no to them as i feel i can'ty just let him back into living with us without him getting some sort of help for his problem.
Alongside i managed to arrange play therapy for my dd through a charity organistaion. And am waiting for counselling from them as they are a sexual abuse specialised.
I have been thinking abt going to the police for a while abt the dv but just feel afraid of how he will react aswell as my family.
I have been in touch with womensaid in the past in regards to moving to refuge and general advice.
Just some days things get too much and my family being unsupportive makes things worse.
Espec my mum, feels like she has been groomed in some way by him into believing tat he is the victim in all of this. When he is the perpetrator in all of this.

I can remember almost this time last yr standing at the train platform and considering stepping off. That was a really bad time. I had my sis ringing me up and calling me crazy and filthy minded to have thought such a thing abt him.

Allalone,
You have been brave enough to remove your children from an abusive relationship.
You are protecting them from possible future abuse.
You have been strong enough to become a single parent, even though it is frowned upon in your culture.
You are succeeding in bringing up your children alone.

None of these things are failings, you are a strong woman in incredibly difficult circumstances. Everything that your ex says (or channels through your mother) is more abuse.

I know that you don't feel it, but you should be proud of yourself.
(((((hugs)))))

"I have been thinking abt going to the police for a while abt the dv but just feel afraid of how he will react aswell as my family - "

you msut not worry about HIS reax..

but - he si your EX now - and you live apart rgiht? is the dv still going on? if so then yes you must report...if is now in the past - then keep a record but i was told six months is time limit to report a specific dv incident to police. (could be wrong)

but - if there has been anything recent then yes.

i think you doing the right thing with dd - play therapy etc. they are profresionals and will know if something needs taking further at this point in terms of her protection. does eh see her unsupervised at all ?

You're doing great in getting all these resources in place for you and for your DD. I'm so sorry that your family aren't helping at all. You're not getting the support you need from your family, so you're going to have to keep looking for a substitute "family" of support.

You're not dirty-minded, you have good reasons to be afraid of what your ex was doing to your DD (and I'm sure the charity you are dealing with will be able to back that up).

Your ex sounds very charming, manipulative and dangerous. You're doing so well. Try talking to Women's Aid again - it might help.

I spoke to a health worker who got in touch with SS. I then got a call from a new SW who has been assigned to our case. She will be coming round next week to meet with me and the dc's.

I don't get why she's going to be wanting to see the boys aswell as my dd...

Its just i have tried to keep the truth of why there dad no longer lives with us.

I don't want them to have to deal with negative feelings for him.

Not sure what i am supposed to say or do.
All i want is for her to have some sort of medical tests not necesarily examinations. Just some sort of urine test for eg to make sure she hasnt got anything.

Cestlavie he has been verbally abusive recently with some pushing and shoving. For the rest of the incidents of physical i'll have to backtrack and remember dates etc.

He sees the kids whenever he feels like it. Which could be weeks really. or every day at times quite erratic nothing consistent.

And no he is never with her unsupervised. Thats why i don't like him being round for too long as i find i cannot go and do whatever i need to do. I send up sitting there watching him like a hawk.
Which he hates and has been angry with me over how it makes him feel when i am constantly watching him.

I told him its cos hes given me reason to behave like that. He didnt like that either.
Guess i cant win can i?

I haven't spoken to my mum since tuesday. I'm just trying to keep myself busy with finding support from myself, and leave her to it really.
Shes made her decision. I just pray that she will see the true him one day just like i have.

Allalone - I was abused as a child (not by my father but by another male relative). No-one protected me. My mother couldn't as she wasn't aware of what was going on (and I didn't tell her). Other family members knew he'd abused others but did nothing to protect me or my brother. You have protected your child. You are keeping her safe.

I can't see how you've failed. x

get sw on your side. tell ehr about teh pushing. stop having him at your house - you can ask for supervised contact to be arranged at a contact centre.

you do not ahve to have him in your house.

set regulartimes for him to see hcildren, idealy supervised at a contact centre.

i made big mistake of allowing my exP to come round whenver. much better to put in writing set times - better for kids as well.

whether or not they have negative views isnot down to you - is down to him.... . you dont want to be protecting them from feeling negative about him - if he has done things to ahrm them...i know what you mean but as sw about speaking with someone or speak t play therapist about what you might say or not say...

the dc have right to relationship with him; you have right to be free of him. and certainly free of him in your house waitng for the next shove... i know how hard it is, i was there in 2008 letting him in to se ethe dcs, ebing subjected to abuse... til he did proper physical damage to door so it was clear evidence i called police...he ahs not been in house since on my invitation .

sorri typos. really - you do not ahve to be the one supervising contact - not when he has recently shoved and pushed you - that is dv and you need to report it.

Sorry i didnt get what u meant abt 'speaking with someone'

Don't contact centres cost money?
Womensaid informed me that if i was to report dv then i could get something called a non harrasment order against him.
Which means i could then get them to check and then make the house safe. eg changing locks etc...

Feeling really depressed now big time.
After i posted ds2 who is 10 pulled out a medal he got cos his school team won the cricket final for the borough.
He started crying really badly cos he wanted to show his dad. But his sorry excuse of a dad has not bothered to see them or speak to them 4 four days now. When he knows how emotional ds2 is.
I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I hate seeing him so upset.
I try and tell myself that its bcs of his arrogance and self centredness that ds2 ends up getting like this, but i still cant help feeling likle its my fault aswell.
If i just give in then at least ds2 doesnt get like this. But then i risk my dds safety.

I regret ever marrying such a egotistic b***d. And staying with him for all these yrs. I pray he suffers big time. For hurting poor innocent children, whos only crime was that they came from him.

How can fathers be so careless??
People like him shouldnt have the right to have kids.
They cannot look beyond themselves.
Selfish Git.
They try to hurt us by hurting the children. And they succed. I guess a way of punishing for having made the decision to end it.
What an unreasonable piece of s*.
Aaaarrrrrrggghhh.........
I feel better for letting it out now.
Just hope ds2 sleeps ok....poor baby.:-(

ah poor thing...

sorri i meant talk to the play therapist about what to say to your dd (and also ds2) with regard to their dad and how dad behaves.

you need to support them wihtout being made to feel responsible for his actions.

some contact centres are run by volunteers. if court ordered then cafcass sometimes pay.

not sure what your arangemetn is - but for me i foudn brinrg the issue to court to get contact arrangements set was best thing - involving cafcass getting reprots etc .

start divorce proceedigns and bring contact issues and residence to court arena...

saying you want supervised contact.