what if he keeps them overnight agaisnt their wishes?

[cestlavielife]

let me start by saying that i am all in favour of dds (10 and enarly 8) staying overnight with exP when they ready, but there has been a long history of them seeing him being abusive towards me, contact centre visits etc...only just moved to unsupervised earlier this year after he jumped up from being v depressed and barely able to see them at all up to end december 2009, to being v "manic" and active....

so on alternate weekends he sees them saturday and then again on sunday.

(with disabled DS is strictly supervised for various reasons).

i have stated clearly to him - when they feel comfortable with staying overnight fine, we will pack their pyjamas and stuff, be excited, plan for it...just as with other sleepovers with friends..but dont rush them. give it time.

and he will be having them many days in summer hols which could be good chance to really build relations (dd1 does not trust him, too many boroken promises etc etc)

he wont listen.
decided last visit they were staying and that was that...they didnt have pjamas etc so they came to fetch.

dd10 was nearly physically sick saying "i feel sick i dont want to go.." v anxious..

dd 7 was more keen saying she DID want to go but only with her sister, dd1 agreed to go for her sake...

they called later, i asked dd 1 if she was ok - she began crying. exP sent text "she is crying again this is all down to you why are you so negative?"

dd2 also cried in the nite.

i asked them "shall we pack your pyjamas again next time to stay?" they both said no, we dont want to... they cant really explain why... they ok to go saturday, come back and sleep, then go back again sunday..

so.... they won't pack pyjamas this time, (saturday) and say they don't want to stay - but more than likely he will make them stay, even not allowing them to come back for pyjamas.

then what?

if they text/call to say can they come home do i go fetch them?
or leave them to it?

there is no overnight in court order, idea was to build up slowly to it. i think pushing them into it isnt good for them...

i want them to go if they happy - surely spending time with dad overnight should be great adventure and look forward to it - not make you want to vomit?

i really dont think is put on for me - i have made it clear to them is fine for them to go...

i dont entirely trust him but i think they old enough to eg phone - unless he gets bolshy with them and stops them... danger is he begining to control them...

[WheresMyWaistGone]

Oh I feel for you.

This is the nightmare I have looming, tho my ds id only 2 and ex h lives 200 miles away!

My view, and that of my solicitor, is that contact is for THE CHILDREN'S sake, not ex's, and therefore, if they're unhappy about staying, that's not beneficial, and likely to jeopardise ex's relationship with them as they may not want to see him at all if he forces them to stay.

How you get this across to him of course is another matter.

I don;t have a court order about contact as it wasn;t needed to be very detailed. My guess is that a court would tell you to sort it out between you.

Can you get a solicitor's opinion?

I really hope you get it sorted, for your daughters' sakes.

xxx

[cestlavielife]

10 year old said this mornig - do i ahve togo tonight (the weds evening contact) - when can i decide not to?

is in court order for weds evening so she obliged... i say "well it is important you see dad regularly" etc, try and cajole...

they both reiterated they dont want to stay over sat - tho ok to see him in day time sat and sunday... but i know he will push as is fathers day sunday.

ugh...

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, given that your DD is 10 ie old enough to be listened to in a court of law, and your XP is a total knob, I would say put the DDs feelings first and reassure them that they do not have to stay overnight if they don't want to. Have you a solicitor/DV support etc who you can register your concerns with so that if they ring up crying because he won't bring them home you have legal back up to just go and fetch them?

BTW when was the last court hearing, because if it was years ago and now your DD is older, it might be worth checking whether she is legally and officially old enough to refuse contact without you getting into trouble.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Sorry reading though it all again - tell this knob that DDs are not staying overnight until they want to, and if he carries on being a dick he will be going straight back to supervised contact only.

[cestlavielife]

thanks SGB - i needed validation to lsiten to dds not to him...

final court order was only last year - so is recent - the hearing he didnt turn up for so he "never agreed to it"!

[SolidGoldBrass]

SO currently the court stuff is on your side ie they have not insisted on him having DDs overnight - so log every stupid thing he does, let your DDs choose and remember that a bloke who doesn't turn up for hearings and acts like a dick gets a lot less sympathy in court.
Best of luck. I understand how tiresome this sort of thing is.

[aurorastargazer]

please listen to your dc sweetheart go back to solicitor and say to them what you have told us and what your dc are telling you. could your dc be "ill" next contact? it is making them feel ill, jsut because they're not physically ill, it is making them feel emotionally ill iyswim (i haven't said it too well sorry) hth xx