Party invitations and contact weekends - WWYD?

[QueenofWhatever]

Ex and I have been apart nearly a year and he has her every other weekend. DD (5) has just changed schools and has been invited to a birthday party on a Sunday morning. It's the first time it's happened as she was previously at school in a very deprived area where the children didn't have parties (either that or she's really unpopular - obviously impossible as she's gorgeous).

Now in a normal world, I would just tell her Dad and he would take her. But my ex was very abusive and controlling (along the lines of Moll Flounders' ex). Since I left, he has told a pack of lies about me and nobody where I used to live will give me the time of day. My sister refuses to believe that I was abused and has said I am a fantasist who needs psychiatric help after his input.

None of this surprises me (I have low expectations of him and he still manages to fail them) and it's part of the reason it was so hard for me to leave. I have a very real concern that if I give him this opening into our new life, he will exploit it to get more revenge on me.

WWYD?

I think you're going to need long-term flexibility, on both sides, could you both agree to swap weekends once in a while -- then you would take her this time??

Could you change his weekends around that time so that in effect he gets an extra weekend and tell him that you need her that weekend for something that he can't be invited to or take her to. The only problem with that is dd might tell him.
Otherwise dd will have to miss this party, there will be others and the bother he will cause isn't worth it.

so - do you want to go to the party with her (to get to know the other parents socially, for example...- i know i would want to!)

do you want him to take her?
if not why not? because he might tell lies about you?

there will be more invites - i think it is good to stick to alternate weekends and make it clear that he should take her to parties on his weekend... if he chooses not to - well - as time goes by she will know how he is...

if you start changing weekends then this will happen every time he decides so too...

Thank you. I think I'm with cestlavie here. If I start swapping, it'll give him carte blanche to change his weekends.

I do want to go the party. No, I don't want him to take her because I don't trust what he will say. I've already moved and had to leave everything behind once.

I strongly believe my daughter should have a relationship with him. If it was up to me, I would never set eyes on him again. Since leaving I have never spoken to him directly. Everything is by letter or text, yet every month or so he starts up a new little thing against me. It's very wearing, but it's just the way it is. I know he will never 'let me get away' with leaving him. I have to be patient and wait until DD is 18 (she's only five unfortunately).

My worry is that if I tell him about the party, he will jump at the opportunity to go. I don't trust him and don't want to give him that opportunity.

God, I don't know what to do!

Options -

Don't tell him, weekend goes as normal, she doesn't go to party.

Tell him details, he decides whether or not to take her, possibly takes opportunity to say what a crap mother/person you are etc.

Ask to swap weekends, see what he says, accept that this means he may ask to swap weekends also.

Why not give a little party of your own? You can get to know parents socially, make a nice first impression, and then when it comes up in the future you can just give him the details and if he slags you he'll look like a nutjob.

The only thing you can't do is stop/block the contact for a party. (Although I'm sure you wouldn't dream of it.)

I have same issues with ex-h and ds who is 6 and dd who is 3. Ex-h is local, and has been involved in parties and parents and school.

And after my experiences?

I personally would phone parent of birthday child, or speak to at school, and say you are ever so sorry that dd can't go as she will be at her dads, but would birthday child like to come over for tea/sleepover/day out/cinema whatever?

I would not swap weekends. I would not let him get involved with the parents of school friends. I'd just make an effort that it's made up

lunavix's idea is the right one i think.
however, as time goes on and she gets older, then she will be more aware of invites and stuff and will need to know why she cant go on dad-s weekend...so at some point you might ahve to accept he will get involved... but you can make those social moves now...

so far the issue hasnt really arisen for me as all parties have fortunately been on "my" weekend....

i think swappin weekends sets precedeet - and with someone like our exes, best to stick to the schedule....we not talking rational easy going human beings here

I think I'm coming to that point of view as well. Good advice Lunavix and I think I will invite the birthday girl round to play. DD also has another playdate this Friday so we're starting to get to know her school friends.

Luckily she hasn't mentioned the party even though she was there when I opened the invitation. Also it's not one of her favourite friends (obviously when you're five that can change by next week or even tomorrow afternoon).

I know in some way I'm putting off the inevitable, but she's getting older and more secure all the time. Ex has started being an arse again this week about contact (just deliberately misunderstanding times etc.).

DD also came back from him last weekend upset about something which is only just starting to die down. She won't tell me what, but reading between the lines I think he's started seeing someone else with a young child (thank god) and it may well have unsettled her.

It's just depressing that even though I left, the hassle he causes is never ending. It's so wearing.

cestlavie you gave me some great advice and support when I was leaving last year and I've always wanted to thank you. I know you get what I mean when I describe my ex.

ditto:

"It's just depressing that even though I left, the hassle he causes is never ending. It's so wearing."

wearing indeed...

ditto as well.

Three years on, no respite. It's truly exhausting.

oh gosh does it just keep on going cestlavielife, lunavix and queen of whatever??? yikes. i am on year 1 and its improving (as in i dont get death threats) but still up and down with my xp hastle too. i too would like to thank cestlavie and others who repsonded to posts in a reallly helpful manner

sorry to hijack thread but it just struck a cord. i have had the same issue with parties and i have mentioned to xp that i think it important for my son to attend some (obvsiously not all) nursery and school friends parties.

so sad, that they find it so hard to look beyond their own lives to their childrens'.

i had a situation whenmy xp refused to move o0n a whole season of parties (i just took him to a couple of key ones which i thought he would enjoy the nost) and gave in on the rest as my son quite young and didnt know what he was missing. one thing i did was to ddrop in on some of ones couldnt go to with a little pressie with my baby (xp was too scared to take him ouyt for more than 15 mins) / chat to parents for a but and it seemed to be a good idea as it seemed to lead to more invites next year, meant i know other parents better...

xx

Well, thanks for the good advice. I e-mailed the Mum and said DD couldn't come as she was spending the weekend with her Dad who lives elsewhere. But would her DD like to come over and play one weekend?

Had a chatty, funny e-mail this morning saying what a shame, would love to come over and play, find me in the playground. So I'm really pleased I did that.

Especially as my ex is being particularly tiresome even by his standards. He normally speaks to DD on my weekends but we missed the call this week. Lots of messages and texts from him, apparently it's my fault he couldn't get mobile reception in a Welsh valley. My powers know no limits!

So northlondonmumma, it doesn't stop, but goes in cycles. But I had a great moment when he started up last summer and was sending me letters saying I was unreasonable and overreacting by asking him to drop DD off at the agreed time. I suddenly realised, even if I was being unreasonable etc., it didn't matter and there was nothing he could do about it. Not having to always justify myself (or even answer the phone) is very liberating.

oh well done - these small steps feel good... and developing the friendships with other parents, without him involved is good..

had a party situation for july - but invite is from one of the parents exP is good friends with so no issues over why should they go it is only a party bla bla. so dds will go which is nice for them.

nlm - i guess it depends - if they move on as well or not - see my other post - and yes goes in waves... esepc with myexP who has clear cycles of depression/agression. and is on an agression obsesssed one at the moment.... (but undiagnosed by NHS)

repeats to self: "i do not have to justify myself".