Ex and his girlfriend

[feelrubbish]

Looking for more help again! for my life that I just cant seem to sort out.

Have been separated from ex for 2 years. He lives in out house and I live in rented house with dc's

Trying to get separation agreement for >1 year - he refuses to move forward - last soliciors letter says if he doesn't move thing forward in next 2 weeks will go to court for divorce - so I am trying I promise.
Also trying to sell the house but as I have mentioend before he wont let me in to get things done (and I don really have time anyway)and he refuses to do it - so stuck -will speak to solicitor about this as well.

Anyway ex started seeing ex, I think about 3 mmonths ago. He has never told me he has a girlfriend although it was very obivous. ( he stopped seeing dc for about 6 weeks with a variety of bizarre excuses)
Then he wanted to incorporate her into dc's life. She was there on a couple of day trips - all well and good.
Now she appears to be at the house at lot of the time. He has had then the part of the last 2 weekends and she has been there and stayed overnight.

But, ex has not told me he has a girlfrind, she parks her car somewhere other than the drive way and I get shooed away on the door when she is there. He tells me he was out with his mum when it was the girlfriend.

I find this all very odd. We have been separated for 2 years at my instigation, I am desperate to get divorced and sell the house and move on - so clearly could not care less if he is seeing someone.
But I find it disresepctful that he has not mentioned this to me as the mother of his children (he sees them 2-3 days /month ma
x) so that I can answer any questions and understand who "x" is when dc tell me about her.
Also getting her to park here car away from the house and pretending she wasn' there is odd.

Also on a separate issue I dont know how much time she is spending there - we still co own the house and he doesn't may any child maintenance as he pays the mortgage - therefore I feel that I am still contributing to the house so do not want a lodger! - when I have asked him to sell, but me out, let me sell out for more than one year.

I cant talk to him in person easily as he is verbally abusive and intimidated me - I try to do everything my e-mail.

Am I entitled to express concern about his secrecy and cover up re hiding him having introduced a new partner and that I feel this is unfair on my dcs. All info has come from my 5 year old dc.

Yes, you are entitled to express your concerns. He is perfectly entitled to ignore your concerns. You feel its unfair, he doesn't.

Frankly its not really any of your business.

Concentrate on sorting out the house and the divorce. It's irrelevant who he might be seeing (unless you have concerns that the new partner might be neglectful or abusive towards your DC).

It is her business - she co-owns the house!

Agree with SGB - concentrate on selling the house and getting divorce through as soon as possible.

flip this around.

say you stayed in the house and he was in rented.

you get a new bf 2 yrs after the split.

your husband keeps tabs on your new boyf , wants to know all about him? why should he know about your new boyf.. whats that got to do with him?

your exh is keeping tabs on cars parked at the house.

your exh is wanting to come in during dc swap and gets upset at being shooed away??

.....

your behaviour is not the best.

concentrate on the divorce and house. if you need access to sort things in house for the sale (and he is wanting you to do this???)... then agree a time and a date and stick to it.

I agree with you actually OP, I would like to be told out of courtesy. Not the first few dates obv. That would not concern me, but spending time with my children? For sure.

It can make children feel insecure if they cannot talk openly and as a child who's father used to do this (not inform my mother) it does make you feel dreadful, even at 5/6.

You're not asking for details FFS just a bit of common courtesy imo.

I wouldn't worry about it. You know he's got a GF, but he's being silly and hiding her away from you. You could just say 'I've got no probs with your having a new GF by the way.'.

It's best not to worry about it tho. Most people conduct themselves in a good manner, and you can't vet everyone who your DCs meet. If she lives at the house and is contributing to his mortage payments I'm not sure if this makes any difference to your agreement re. maintenance....p'raps ask your solicitor.

Hi thanks for all the comments -I have no objections to him having a girlfriend, I have no objection to the girlfriend spending time with the dc it is the secrecy that I object to.

He lies to me infront of the children telling me they had been out with his mum. I waas not keeping tabs on the house - I happened to notice when I was round. I would never go another time. I would be delighted not to have to go into the house but usually he sits on the couch while I have to go round and gather up all their stuff which can be all over the place so it was the change that was odd - I would be really happy if I could have a quick handover.

I am concerned about the dishonesty infront of the dc.

I worry that that he has told them not to mention her - not good for the children.

I wil mention in passing next time we speak that dc had mentioned her, no big deal but will help dc if no secrets.

If it was other way round I would like to think I would mention it at the stage a new partner wa taking part in the day to day lives of dc out of courtesy they same way I tell him of everything else big in the dc life (re school, illnesses etc)

Hi thanks for all the comments -I have no objections to him having a girlfriend, I have no objection to the girlfriend spending time with the dc it is the secrecy that I object to.

He lies to me infront of the children telling me they had been out with his mum. I waas not keeping tabs on the house - I happened to notice when I was round. I would never go another time. I would be delighted not to have to go into the house but usually he sits on the couch while I have to go round and gather up all their stuff which can be all over the place so it was the change that was odd - I would be really happy if I could have a quick handover.

I am concerned about the dishonesty infront of the dc.

I worry that that he has told them not to mention her - not good for the children.

I wil mention in passing next time we speak that dc had mentioned her, no big deal but will help dc if no secrets.

If it was other way round I would like to think I would mention it at the stage a new partner wa taking part in the day to day lives of dc out of courtesy they same way I tell him of everything else big in the dc life (re school, illnesses etc)

Could some of his lying be down to the fear about what you may/may not do if he thought you knew?

Perhaps some of this could be avoided if you make it clear that you are happy he has a new GF.

I think the trick is not to make it an issue. The more you make it into an issue, the worse it will get. As problems go, its not a biggie.

the kids will know what is true what isnt... i have been telling mine - people are different some people you can trust to tell the truth others you cannot, some friends you know you can trust to be on time, others you know might be late, but it is ok.

as was said - go to divorce court and push the finance issue - in same sit. here but as not been married diff route to court

I dont know why he is lying - IMO he gets his own way - doesnt pay maintenace, contact whenever he wants, refusing to move forward with divorce etc so it doesnt make sense to me but maybe he sees it differently.

He played the victim act for a long time ( and still does to me ) after I left and this is his reason for not moving forward with things because it is too painful so then he loses this argument and had no reason not to proceed with gettting thing legally sorted - it is the only thing I can think of.

But you are right niceguy not a make a big deal of it.
He can be very emotionally manipulative towards the children and I see this as another opportunity to for this (via the dishonesty not the girlfriend) My job is to protect them from harm - will think of a way to bring things out in the open without making it a big deal.

cestlavielife- I know you are going throught exaclty the same thing, it is never ending isnt it.I feel that I will never ever get my ffinances sorted. I keep thinking that I will be out of my rented house soon as I will be able to afford a morgage when I am free of the other one so I havent decorated or anything and I dont like my house which gets me down.

I tried to explain to my 5 year old about never being forced to hide things from me (and vice versa - there is nothing I say/do that cant to repeated elsewhere) but I'm not sure I explained it well.

Next time you pick the children up (actually when you drop them off or he picks them up for contact, tell him you wont be coming into the house to sort them out to leave, he should have them ready. Don't let him take advantage of you) so when you pick them up just say to him, "I'm aware you have a new partner. I'm unsure why you are trying to keep it a secret from me because I'm really not interested as long as the children are happy and healthy but do not lie about her in front of our children or force the children to lie to me. That is out of order". And I would leave it at that.

Sometimes though, you just have to accept that people behave in a different way to what you think is acceptable and pick your battles of what to cause a fuss about, wisely.

That is a good line chochobnob - I think I might steal it!

If I have read OP's posts correctly Choc, I dont think its the kids that are lying. Just the ex.

I just think the above will just put him on the defensive. Lets face it, if ex said that to you, you would feel the need to defend yourself. To save face. No-one likes being called a liar. He'll just deny it. Which then leaves OP in a position where she may feel she has to prove it.....it all escalates.

Honestly I don't think this anything worth fighting over.

Reading your first post, without meaning to sound rude, it sounds to me more dented pride than any major concern over the kids.

I must have misread the bit where the OP said she "worries the ex may get the kids to lie".

I would still bring him up on it if he lies to me about something that the kids have told me otherwise. Not in an agry way but like you said, so that he's aware I know anyway and to make it clear to him that there's no need to lie and I'm not going to kick off or cause problems by knowing the truth ... if indeed that is the motive behind the lying.

It would probably be sorted quicker by actually talking about it rather than ignoring it. So it doesn't keep winding the OP up, the kids don't feel they're in the middle and the OP's ex doesn't feel the need to lie and can just get on with things.

Doesn't seem like they are being forced to hide anything, given that all your info has come from them, so what harm are you so avidly protecting them from? Your reaction kind of explains why she isn't parking her car on the drive.

Maybe it's really not a big deal by itself but is a 'last straw' for you and actually the real issues are the divorce, house and finances.

Tanga -I have not reacted at all - the only discussion I have ever had about this is on an annonymous internet forum!
I have never discuss my ex's life with him expect for direct matters with children and attempts to sort out house etc.
I have never once made any comment of any other aspects of his life and I have never interfered - I just wanted some advice about keeping things out in the open.

Thanks for all comments - much appreciated