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Stopping DS's contact with ExP

8 replies

vikkiville · 13/06/2010 21:31

I am new to mumsnet really but have been a lone parent for quite some time now - on and off actually since my DS was born 4 years ago!

This is quite a long and sorry story but I'll cut to it. I want to stop my DS seeing my ExP (his father) altogether for the foreseeable future. This is for a number of reasons:

  1. I have recently started receiving abusive and very sinister text messages from someone claiming to be his new (and pregnant girlfriend) and silent anonymous phone calls. He said at first he knew nothing about it but then admitted he WAS seeing someone but it couldn't possibly be her. Hmm. I changed my number and didn't give it to him or his parents and the messages stopped! Given the nature of the messages I cannot say that my son would be safe anywhere near whoever it was sending them.

  2. Since he left for the last and final time 7 months ago he has not paid a penny in child maintenance, in fact I have been supporting him - sending food with my son when he visits and lending him money. He has also left me with a large amount of debt that he hasn't even attempted to repay

  3. He is shortly due to appear in court on a very serious charge, if convicted could face up to 6 years in prison

  4. He has been under the care of mental health for some time now - claiming to be unfit to work and therefore to stand trial (yet is fit enough to commence new relationships)

  5. He is residing on a property with people known to the police for a variety of crimes

  6. He has, in the past, physically assaulted me and others

  7. He has been seeing DS every weekend (almost), but I have had to make the arrangements and more often than not get my parents to drive my son to him and pick him up. He does not contact him often in between weekends and often does not return DS's calls when he wants to speak to his daddy.

The text messages and abuse from either his current or a recent girlfriend is the final straw I'm afraid. I have been incredibly patient but now have decided to stop all contact.

Where do I stand legally in doing this? Do I need a prohibited steps order or another type of order to make what I have done legal? Can I get his parental responsibility removed?

OP posts:
Niceguy2 · 14/06/2010 01:16

What is the nature of his alleged "mental health" issue? Is he any danger at all to DS? Just because someone is violent to you, doesn't mean he will be violent to their own child. I know some blokes who you would not wish to cross but they would never hurt a hair on their own childs head.

As for the PSO, you would need some evidence it was him and from the sounds of things you cannot prove that and it may not have even been him.

And parental responsibility can only be removed by a court. Something they would never do as he is the biological father. You'd stand more chance of getting a "no contact" order and that's rare enough.

Your best bet really is to tough it out. If he's going to court and potentially looking at a 6 stretch then he may have bigger battles to fight right now.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/06/2010 01:20

I don't think you can get his parental responsibility removed if he is named on DS birth cert, however if there is evidence of all (or even just a few) or the things he has done, you will have a good case for stopping contact or insisting on supervised contact only - TBH given that he doesn't sound that interested in pursuing contact anyway, I would suggest just not bothering to make arrangements oe of he wants to see DS he can make the running.
Oh and report the threatening texts to the police. It's illegal to send threatening texts, whether it's your XP's new girlfriend or XP himself who is sending them.

cestlavielife · 14/06/2010 12:11

yess just stop making the arrangements and wait to see if he notices...

the rest - well if convicted your problem is solved...

and report the texts to police.

ChocHobNob · 14/06/2010 13:59

Maintenance and contact is unrelated and because he's not paying maintenance would not matter to a court.

Changing your number and not telling him it is not really proof that it was him or someone related to him who was sending the messages. You changed your number, so it could have been any other person who now didn't have the new number.

People have been unsuccessful in stopping their children having contact with extremely abusive partner altogether so based on what you've written I don't think your stopping contact would stand up very well in court.

The best you can try for is to stop facilitating his contact and due to his mental health and involvement with the police, insist on supervised access, with a third party or at a contact centre.

Magalyxyz · 15/06/2010 08:59

Wow. You had me at 'sinister text messages' on number one. And there are six more reasons.

I certainly wouldn't judge you. One thing I would do though is to go to the police and even if you feel like susan meyer wandering into the police station because somebody stole your pearl earrings, do it anyway. It's one hour, and then it's on record for EVER.

(ps, obviously the right thing to do is to report these things, I just feel self-conscious 'making a fuss' - silly of me)

wannaBe · 15/06/2010 09:34

"1) I have recently started receiving abusive and very sinister text messages from someone claiming to be his new (and pregnant girlfriend) and silent anonymous
phone calls. He said at first he knew nothing about it but then admitted he WAS seeing someone but it couldn't possibly be her. Hmm. I changed my number
and didn't give it to him or his parents and the messages stopped! Given the nature of the messages I cannot say that my son would be safe anywhere near
whoever it was sending them."

Contact the police. You have the number of the texter, so it will be easy enough to trace who it is. But even if it is the girlfriend that's not necessarily reason to stop his contact - presumably he's not responsible for her? It would give you grounds to not want her to have contact with your ds, but not him. But you need to establish who is sending the texts before you start making assumptions.

"2) Since he left for the last and final time 7 months ago he has not paid a penny in child maintenance, in fact I have been supporting him - sending food
with my son when he visits and lending him money. He has also left me with a large amount of debt that he hasn't even attempted to repay"

That's irelevant. Maintanence is not linked to the contact with the child.

"3) He is shortly due to appear in court on a very serious charge, if convicted could face up to 6 years in prison"

If he is convicted then that will resolve your issue, but until he is convicted he is innocent until proven guilty.

"4) He has been under the care of mental health for some time now - claiming to be unfit to work and therefore to stand trial (yet is fit enough to commence
new relationships)"

There are lots of people who have mental illness who might not be fit to e.g. work, but who are perfectly able to have relationships with their partners/children.

"5) He is residing on a property with people known to the police for a variety of crimes"

If this is the case then you would possibly have a case for stipulating that your ds not be taken to that property, although again it depends on what the crimes are, if violent crime then yes, if petty theft, then it's unlikely the courts would consider them a risk to your child.

"6) He has, in the past, physically assaulted me and others"

A just because he's asalted you (which i am not condoning obv) doesn't mean he is a risk to your child. Plus as you've not used this as a reason before it's unlikely to stand up as a reason now.

"7) He has been seeing DS every weekend (almost), but I have had to make the arrangements and more often than not get my parents to drive my son to him
and pick him up. He does not contact him often in between weekends and often does not return DS's calls when he wants to speak to his daddy."

Then stop making the arrangements. If he wants to see his ds then he will realize that he will have to make the effort.

Look, I'm not saying the man isn't a twat, but most of the reasons given above would not stand up in court as reasons for stopping his contact.

Tanga · 15/06/2010 22:22

So, to simplify - you thought contact (indeed, having DD living with this person during your 'on' phases in the last few years) was appropriate despite all mental health issues, crime, lack of maintenance, DV etc etc, but now his new girlfriend is pregnant and texting you, all contact has to stop.

Is that about the size of it?

vikkiville · 18/06/2010 23:21

No that isn't the size of it at all. I have no interest in any new girlfriend - if she's pregnant by him I feel sorry for her and think he is very foolish and selfish to start the cycle again - but that is not my business.

The size of it is, why should I put up with abuse every time he calls and why should I put up with abuse from his 'girlfriend'. The content of these messages made it VERY apparent that the person was privy to things he and I had discussed - meaning it was someone close. The content also led me to believe that the person sending them was unstable and really rather sinister - how safe would my son be around this person?? If they hate me so much without meeting me, how much can they hate my son?

I have to be able to trust my former partner with our son, and therefore my contact details. He is abusive when he calls me and I try to organise things - I gave it another go after posting original message - it didn't work. Why, when I receive nothing from him, should I put up with this level of abuse?

I saw a solicitor and relayed the full story; I was advised to seek a non-molestation order, a residence order AND a prohibitive steps order IMMEDIATELY. I don't qualify for legal aid and so can't afford it at the moment so find myself wishing for a long sentence - which is incredibly wrong on behalf of my wonderful son.

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