What to do?

[clarabella23]

Not sure what to do for best with my DDs contact with her father...could do with a few opinions to help me decide I think.

Myself and ex split 4 yrs ago, when DD was 18 months, but were on and off for years. He would stop seeing DD for months at a time, however, I never refused him access when he wanted it.

Last year he got put into prison for 10 months for fighting, didn't tell DD (now 6) where he was, said he was working. When he was released, he apologised, said he wanted to try being a family, even though we were living apart, and we had a month of him seeing DD a couple of times a week. He only saw her with me though, never offered to take her out anywhere.

After the month, in about Jan this year, he decided he DIDN'T want to be a family after all, but was still coming round once or twice a month to visit. Again, he would only see her at my house, and each time would try and worm his way round me, to...how can I put this nicely...have a bit of fun? So in short, he was pretty much coming round to try and get his leg over, the fact his daughter was here was incidental.

In March, I started dating someone else, ex saw DD on mothers day, when he found out I was dating. At this point he pretty much cut contact. He told me to go be a family with this other guy-after 1 date! Didn't really get in touch.

Split with new guy in May, when ex found out he started getting in touch again, saying he wanted to see DD. He saw her once, and has continually been getting in touch with me since trying to get back with me...the answer was a resounding NO obviously!

He has let her down lots over this couple of months, often arranging to have her then letting her down last minute. When he last visited, some money went missing from my purse, so I have made it clear he isn't welcome in my home any more. I have also said to him he should be having her on a regular basis, i.e. every other weekend-I think thats more than fair!

But he had said last weekend that he was finding out about a new job this week, but if it didn't come about he would have her for the weekend. This weekends rolled around, he has no new job-but he can't have her. He said he could have her the friday, but not the saturday, as he has to spend time with his dad, who has recently been diagnosed with cancer. I have just spoke to his dad and he has no plans with him. So, basically, he has blown off his DD to go to pub with his mates to watch England-not that he will admit that.

So what do I do? He says he will have her next weekend. But I am sorely tempted to say you have had your chance, go get a solicitor and fight for contact rights. I don't think he would actually even bother to be fair, and I don't know what to do for the best for DD...should I push him for what little contact they could have, or is she better off without a dad who doesn't love her enough to put her first?

Just to clarify, there has been violence in the relationship, in front of DD (thankfully she doesn't remember), and social services have visited since he was released. During these visits they said any contact is up to me, and they would fully support me not letting him see her, or only through visitation centres if that was what I wanted. I also have had to change my telephone number as he was harassing me, so now DD has her own mobile for him to keep in touch with her.

Clearly, he is a prize knob. However, he is her Dad and she does have some kind of tenuous relationship with her. Seems to me that he is going to continue to behave like this whilst he gets the pay-off of your attention.

So, I'd write him a polite letter expressing disappointment that he hasn't been able to take up your offer to have his DD overnight and that the uncertainty over arrangements isn't good for her. Outline an arrangement that suits you (eg for him to take her out for tea on a Friday once a fortnight) and explain that if he manages not to disappoint her, turns up on time for 3 contacts then he can have her overnight. Make sure you stick to it, as well - no swapping the times/dates until the contact pattern is established.

Obviously there are going to be times when both of you will want a little flexibility, so have a 4-week 'notice' period once the contact pattern is in place for changes. And cut right down on the communication - keep it short, based on DD and perhaps even for the time being by email or letter.

no,when men like this see contact as a time to bully you,then there is little hope of contact being established just for the child

his next option if he doesnt comply is a contact centre or a third party handover

tbh i would just forget about him. he has had chance after chance as you say. you are not against him having contact and you have already agreed arrangements which he has failed to adhere to. tell him you will not allow him to dissapoint your dd anymore and that if he is serious about regular contact then he can arrange it through a solicitor. can i just add, you do not have to have a solicitor for him to do this. all correspondance can be addressed to you. so you arent forking out for him to arse you about. if he is serious then it will be pretty simple to solve. the solicitor will ask tell you what his terms are and you can tell him what you agree to. if he doesn't stick to it then that is his own decision. unfortunately your dd is the one who is missing out but it sounds as though she already is.

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone. Hes just been back in touuch to say that no, he isn't seeing his dad tonight. I asked why he hadn't picked up his daughter, as he arranged, his answer was he was going to the gym, then England is on, so he can't.

Guess that gives me the answer I'm looking for. I don't think it's fair my DD should have to grow up knowing she comes behind, his other family, friends, going out, going to the gym and a sodding BALL GAME. I guess if he wants to see her he'll get a solicitor...he's unemployed at the minute so would even qualify for legal aid and probably not have to pay for anything, so it really will be a question of does he care enough to be arsed.

How does your dd feel? Does she enjoy seeing her dad and want to spend time with him? If she gets upset when she doesn't see him now then how will she be if contact is completely cut and your ex and/or dd blames you for it?

I can fully appreciate why you are concerned and nee dthe stability for your dd and to know he is there for her, not to try and get back together with you. So yes be tough, if he misses the agreed time then he has to wait till next not swap etc. But don't ignore how your dd feels. From what you've said I am guessing she was asking for him when he was in prison wanting to know when he was coming to see her...? If so then she'll be asking the same if you stop the contact and will be angry at you if she finds out that it's your decision, not matter how justified that decision may be.

She was asking for him at the time, but last time he saw her he said about taking her out, she said ok, but later on that night she said whats the point cos he won't do anything with me anyway.Whenever he speaks to her on the phone, he arranges whatever with her, as soon as she comes off the phone she says dad said this, but he wont do it anyway because he'll go to the pub instead.

His excuse for not coming to get her now is that he doesn't even have bus fares left. Hes unemployed, yet has been paying for a mobile, recently joined a gym, and was out thursday night. Is it unreasonable to expect him to save a couple of pounds to see his daughter?

clarabella, really it sounds as if he's not going to change and will probably never be a very positive influence in her life. I think you're hoping he's going to be the father she deserves rather than the selfish man he so clearly is. This situation is so very sad for both you and DD.

It's such a difficult situation, my DS's father is a total loser and waste of space and he has very little contact with him, luckily he is only 11 months old so he doesn't know any difference at the moment.
So, I have spent many months thinking about 'what is best for the child' under these circumstances. Personally I think it is prob best for them to have some contact, mainly so they don't think like Dad has totally abondoned them, but also so they can see what a loser they are, kids aren't stupid and they can form their own opinions for themselves.
I think it's maybe best to leave things for a while and let them have contact every now and again, maybe meet him in the park etc since u don't want him in your home.
If u stop contact your daughter will grow up feeling like her dad didn't love her, if she keeps some contact she'll grow up thinking ''my god my dad was a prick, thank god I had a great mum to make up for it''.