What practical advice would you give someone just starting out as a lone parent?

[TrumpingMamma]

My friend told me last night that she would like her and her husband to separate. They have three children, and all currently live with her dad.

She says she feels paralysed - stuck - and doesn't know what to do next. In her words, she has "no job, no savings, no pension, no home [of her own], no profession - nothing", and can't seem to see a way forward, which I can relate to.

So what can/should she do next? On a practical level, I've suggested speaking to a family/divorce lawyer; talking with her husband about who will live where, and who will have the children when; asking her dad about how much support he may be able to offer in the short-term (both with absorbing the costs of running the house and with childcare); contacting the benefits office about what she may be entitled to claim until she can get herself back on track. Two of her children will be in school from September, so perhaps she may have more options from then?

And I've also said to surround herself with supportive friends, take one day at a time, and keep busy. And to watch comedy DVDs and eat chocolate.

Am I missing anything obvious? I think she could really do with a list of things she can systematically work through, to help her feel as though she is moving forward and taking control of her life. So what would you suggest?

Thank you.

have you asked her whether she wants to actually separate or whether she just wants a "new life". i think they should go to Relate and talk, it may be that actually she doesnt want to separate from him as you havent said she doesnt love him etc. you give the reasons no job, no savings, no home etc so perhaps renting a property and moving out of her dad's, getting a job (even if its just part time) and maybe taking up a hobby or go to college one evening a week, all things which she doesnt have now. this could the answer???

Thanks countydurhamlass. In principle, I agree with the counselling route and trying to liven the marriage up, and to reclaim a bit of herself in the way you suggest. She says she does love her husband and there is no infidelity or anything like that, which I think would ordinarily mean reconciliation is possible (assuming no abuse, of course).

However, she has said she definitely wants to separate, and that she wants practical advice with what to do next. She feels she and her husband are so different in personality, parenting style, interests, sex drive, etc. Having known them both for a long time, they argue almost constantly and the tension between them is noticeable pretty much every time I'm over there. It's uncomfortable for me, so can't be great for the kids. So I do understand her choice.

So, because she's said she wants to separate, because everyone else (she says) has been telling her to try counselling (she says she's made her decision and doesn't want to) and telling her it'll get better when the kids are older, rather than listen and support her in her decision, I thought I'd try to come up with the practical advice she's asked for.

I totally agree with county.

As someone who has been an LP twice so unfortunately have some experience in these matters, I can honestly tell you that if she thinks splitting up is the answer to her life problems then its not.

What happens is that some problems go away but will quickly be replaced with a whole lot more.
For example, if she hates the fact she's no job, how will she do a job when she has noone to look after the kids? As often the ex won't be very flexible.

If all she wants is a better life then as a friend I think you will be doing her a long term favour by encouraging them to stick together.

Life is far from easy being a lone parent. Sometimes its better than the alternative but unless there is abuse/infidelity etc. I would always recommend staying together over splitting up.

oops sorry for cross post.

Thanks, Niceguy2. I'm a lone parent myself, so I'd second that it isn't necessarily an easier option, even if it feels like the right option, IYSWIM. And my ex was unfaithful, so there's no going back with us.

I feel torn. From the outside looking in, for a long time I've thought they'd all be putting each other out of a lot of misery if they parted. Arguing is the norm. Tension is the norm. And this is awful for the kids, surely? The ideal in this scenario would be that they patch things up, but if neither has the self awareness to see how unhealthily they communicate, and neither is willing to take responsibility for talking disrespectfully to the other and doing something about it, is there actually a way forward together? And this is before considering basic incompatibility, too.

Do you think, as a mutual friend, I should stick my oar in and tell them both what I think about the way they treat each other and that there is a way forward if they're both willing to change? That seems like interfering in a big way. I'll confess to feeling a bit relieved (for the kids' sake) when she said she'd like them to separate, because the atmosphere around there is truly awful, and has been for years.

Difficult.

Thanks, though.

i think they should get someone to look after the children and go away for a couple of days to talk without the distactions of every day life, its so much easier that way. discover why they argue, what they want etc and then they can decide whether they can work through it and how or whether they should go their own ways and how that will work out. then when they get back they have to be proactive about what they want, ie looking for a house to live in without her dad, or he moves out on his own. they can spend all their time discussing but if they want it to change, whichever way, someone has to actually make the move.

"She says she feels paralysed - stuck - and doesn't know what to do next. In her words, she has "no job, no savings, no pension, no home [of her own], no profession - nothing", and can't seem to see a way forward, which I can relate to."

Just quoted the above, will she feel any different if she splits up with her DH?

I feel all of the above, much more than I did before my ex DH left.

Leaving her DH won't give her a job, savings or a pension - she'll still have nothing and a much harder situation to deal with as well.

I wish her well.

Leaving the darling husband may give your friend the necessary kick up the backside to find a job, start saving, sort out a profession and raise the children on her own.

Why on earth did she rely upon him for so much in the first place? Has she no backbone?

I despair.

Grief Hodie, were you born perfect? Sorry but as an intelligent woman with a hell of a lot of backbone I also found myself via emigration, ds illness and (yes I sank that low) abusive relationship in a very bad place and whilst I didn't expect sympathy (I did it)your kind of criticism is insulting and of no use to anyone..I despair!