Any words of advice? I HATE EXH!!

[DeFluffy]

Hello

I'm not strictly a lone parent but thought this board might be best place to put this plea for help.

Exh and I split when dd1 was about 18months. Very acrimonious. I then met DP and we now have dd2 (5 months). DD1 is now 5 and a half. EXH moved 200 miles away.

EXH is a solicitor. He has not paid child support for 12 months. I did not go to the CSA as he told me he was not working. We found out accidently that he WAS working but of course the CSA can't backdate. The calculation has also come back at £35 a week which seems rather low for a solicitor's wages. He also owes me about £3k in court ordered school fees payment. I'm currently taking him to court for this, he has said if I don't stop he will give up his job on purpose.

He finally admitted he'd been working but said he hadn't told us because 'I had my own expenses to pay' (he lives rent free with his father).

He is supposed to see dd1 every two weeks. He chooses not to. He usually averages every 5 weeks and then only for say 5 hours. He used to get here at 10 then 10.30 now its 11. Anyway, he's paid no money in 12 months, doesn't come to Christmas concerts/parents evenings,doesn't know her friends, never offers to have her at half term/summer holidays etc (until I started maternity leave I worked and therefore had to take holiday or pay for holiday club). He has lied and lied and lied. Even when he had a job he would say that he couldn't afford to come up for the weekend then he would go away on holiday to Florence the next weekend with a new girlfriend.

My question is how do you get over the anger? Also I'm a bit sad at my dd1, she loves him totally. We don't discuss anything in front of her but I can't believe how much she loves him when he waltzes up every 5 weeks for 5 hours! I know that sounds bad but it really hurts me. I know its good that she knows nothing and loves him really but deep down I hate it

What's sparked this off is that hes just sent a nasty text because we are at two parties on father's day weekend and he wanted to come up that weekend. They were already arranged. We've said he can have weekend before or after. He says he's her father and should 'have her' fathers day. What about the other 364 days a year? What about paying maintenance?

How can I let go off this anger? Sorry for the rant.

the only way to stop getting angry is to accept that this is the way it will always be.

you keep expecting him to be the father you want for your daughter and that is just simply not going to happen. each time you hope for it and each time you are let down.

If you expect less from him you will be pleasantly surprised if he manages it rather than angry when he doesn't.

I know that it will seem like you are letting him get away with being a useless father but, essentially that is what he is and there is very little you can do about it.

Don't include maintenance into your budgeting. he should pay what he owes and more, but if he doesn't and you are relying on it your stuffed. if you see it as a bonus that can be spent on something special for DD or indeed you all, then it won't be such a nightmare if it doesn't happen.

I have an awful X who refuses to work so that i can#t claim CSA, he was severely abusive towards me and despite taking me to court for more than 4 years to get access, now he finally has it he barely see's the DCs. I know how frustrating it can be and how angry it can make you. but honestly, letting go is the only way.

Just say "We have plans for that day, sorry!" he is obviously just taking the mick. He can't just pick and choose when he wants to see his dd.

Hi Gigi, sorry I didn't know that re your ex. God why can some men be such twats? I know I've ranted before to you I think

We don't budget with the maintenance (thank God) we did however budget with the half of school fees being paid which has left us a bit strapped to say the least.

He's now texted DP to say that he's 'too angry to respond' but that he can 'only do till 4' and if thats not suitable won't come up.

I think if he was just a twat then that would be one thing (maybe) but he's a hypocritical pig and makes me want to scream, so when he was lying that he wasn't working, he said his dad had 'kindly agreed' to pay some money for dd (this was after about 9 months of nothing). BUT he said we should be 'grateful' as his dad didn't have to do this and that on the weekends he saw her we wouldn't be paid those weeks!! When all the time he was working and therefore owed dd the money anyway!

Thats what gets me, the sheer gall!!!!!!!!
Blef - exactly.

And breathe.

The way i got through it was by telling myself that Dc's were not missing out by this idiot being in their lives less.

They love their dad because he is their dad, but as they grow up the only person that will have missed out is him. they will know that we have done our best to help facilitate contact with their father and yet due to their pathetic pointscoring/ignorance/self absorbed stubborness he chose not to have the relationship he could have.

When he tries to emotionally blackmail you into allowing him to manipulate contact to suit him simply reply that he is fully aware of when he is due to see DD and that if that is not suitable he will simply have to wait until next time. I had it with my X. he would try and change contact to suit him thinking that i wanted so much for the Dc's to see him that i would allow it rather thna have them miss out. As soon as i became more stubborn about him sticking to contact schedule and not messing them around he got better and seeing them with more routine.
he still takes the piss, but less so than before.

When he brings up money, dont enter into argument with him. just reply that he is aware of the CSA ruling and you look forward to his next agreed payment.
keep it as a standard text in your phone and just send it each and every time. it'll irritate the shite out of him that you aren'tengaging with him.

Try not to let him get to you. it's what he wants.

You know I think you're so right, it is what he wants. I don't talk to him at all now, haven't for a year (apart from one blip where I grabbed the phone and shouted at him re non payment of maintenance). I should probably also ask DP not to tell me what he texts, it just winds me up. When he hasn't texted/I'm not having to take him to court etc I never think about him.

The thing is we were together about 7 years and while I knew he was a lying cheat (after we got married obviously) I have real problems believing he'd do this to his dd. He goes on about how much he loves her and if you see them together I think he genuinely does, as long as it doesn't interfere with smoking, drinking, going out, women, etc etc. And I know he is doing it to her but I keep wondering what 'story' he is telling himself that makes this ok to him? iyswim.

DP wrote an email to his (exh's) dad earlier. He wants to know if hes been complicit in all this lying about not working (as they live together). If he was complicit I doubt DP will do the drop offs / pick ups anymore. Not sure what that then leaves? I couldn't make dd go to contact centre. Would have to ask my parents I think.

I've told you before I think that he bullies me because hes a solicitor and he pretends he knows the law (or just pretends what the law is) eg he told me I couldn't take him to court over the court order arrears - total bullshit.

I will go watch crap tv and chill.

Thank you though. x

its such a helpless situation we find ourselves in. but big yourself up everyday that you are supporting your child without your feckless ex input.he thinks he,s sooo clever lying about not working to avoid payment.my kids dad the same useless article.£5 a week after 4 years of battling the csa.hes so skint that hes been to mauritus and morrocco this year!!! and has the privilage to buy a dog for £800!!shame on him to treat a dog better than his childs wellbeing.dont let anger rise up in your belly surely hes not worth it.how did you get court to order school fees payment?kids make up their own minds through all this bullshit.dont stress yourself anymore.cos he knows that hes getting to you.and gets off on it.smile, grit your teeth and just secretly in your head, hope he falls down a very large drain hole.with all the rest of the unwanted sewage!!!