A Weird Question Which Needs Asking

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Hi,

I am currently 5 weeks pregnant and contemplating whether or not to go ahead with the pregnancy, in light of the fact there is a very strong possibility my marriage might break down (control/abuse issues).

So, I am wondering about what it is like being a single parent, and how I might 'feel' about my child.

Please forgive me if this is rather a taboo question, but I am worried that the child will forever remind me of my ex. That he/she will LOOK like him, or BEHAVE like him, and that in some way it might be painful for me to be reminded of that similarity, of the fact that the child is half 'him'.

I've never had a child so I don't know how you 'look' at them or perceive them.

I supposed I am worried about them looking so much like my husband that I will somehow have trouble loving them. My husband is mixed race so the child will probably have afro hair etc, I just wonder how it feels to have a physical reminder of one's ex walking about in your own home!

I suppose I am worried that something might stop me loving them fully.

For some reason, I am more worried about this if the child is a boy (I guess for obvious reasons).

If anyone has any insight or thoughts, I'd be very grateful.

I wouldn't be worried about being physically reminded of your ex.

I would think more about the fact that a child will 'tie' you to your ex - emotionally, financially, etc. And if your ex chooses not to be involved, it will likely present you and the child with some financial/practical/emotional issues to address.

Thanks Earlybird.

I guess I am resigned to the fact of continued ties and contact for financial/practical reasons. I think I can handle that.

But I am more concerned about whether I might have problems bonding with the child, if I associate it with a sad period. Especially if he/she 'looks' like him.

Does anyone understand what I mean?

It's hard because, never having had a child, I've no idea how much it's all instinctive and you see a child as just being perfect and 'yours', or whether a physical reminder of an ex would be painful.

Do you feel ready to have a child? It simply might not be the right time for you, or the right circumstance to bring a life into the world.

It is impossibly difficult to contemplate termination, but it is the right thing for some people in some situations.

My Ds is the image in looks of my abusive ex, he is now 31, and I can say happily is absolutely nothing like his Father, I think it is a definite case of nurture, not nature.

(and as we have been divorced 29 years and he has had nothing to do with DS since he was 10, when DS made the decision not to see him anymore,so we haven't really seen him since then apart from the seeing him in the street occasionally I can honestly say I don't notice the resemblance anymore.

I'm not sure Earlybird.

I am thinking over what to do, and trying to imagine myself in both scenarios (having baby while possibly being single, and not continuing with pregnancy and possibly having marriage break down anyway).

I am mid-30's so by the time I start over etc, it might be too late. Therefore this could be one of my last chances to have a child, which adds a different slant to things than if I was still in my 20s.

Do you think the fact that I am wondering about what child will look like means I might not be ready?

Thanks shoshe, that's good to know.

Earlybird, I should add I feel 100% ready for a baby IF I'm in a stable relationship.

It's just the marriage problems are very recent (although very severe) so I've been taken back a bit to have to suddenly consider being a single parent.

Just 3 months ago this is something I thought would never ever cross my radar.

If you feel ok with a lifelong tie to him then I dont think how your child looks will be a problem for you.

It would be it's own person, and you would love it for that. My Ds1 is not a smaller version of my ex, he's so very7 much nicer despite being the spitting image

Your child will be a unique person, a mix of you and their father, but unique.

They'll look like themselves, and act like themselves. They won't be you or your ex. How much you love them is dependent on you. How they grow as a person is also up to you.

Vache / Colditz - thanks. It's good to have perspectives from those in the know!

Also, I guess the abuse issue is pretty much 100% a case of nurture over nature isn't it? So as long as I teach the child proper respect/values, it doesn't matter if father is a dipstick.

you married him right? so any reminders could take you back to those moments of happy hopes and dreams before it all went belly up...

your child will have half his genes. but i agree on the nurture debate.

how does he feel about children? will he want to be invovled should you split?
having a controlling ex demanding contact times etc and refusing to discuss things amicably is hell... but at the end of the day you can do your best for your child..

how will you manage practically/financially with child and work? needs thinking about..

if you want a child, it might beour "last chance" - and you can financially afford it as single parent then go for it...

the practical issues are going to be more important. you can get therapy to deal with emotions...

at the end of the day - my children are what i thank my exP for. in that respect, he gave me something beautiful. and now he is exP i can keep the cr*p stuff frim him at aby - to a degree.

Thanks Han and Cestlavie.

He is excited about the child, but - if we stay together - I am not, to be truthful, very sure about how committed he would be. He would love them fiercely, financially provide for him/her, but won't really be 'hands on'. Also there are the looming abuse issues.

I've no idea what would happen if we split. I think he will go nuts (at me) and I've no idea at that point how much contact he would want with the child in the future.

Currently he works overseas (in a very lucrative and stable job) so I guess, especially in the early years, this would continue. I've no IDEA how we would work access out in this scenario. Does anyone have experience of this?

I am currently working overseas too (with husband) but would come back to the UK to have the baby. It would then be pretty hard I imagine to find work as either a heavily-pregnant woman or a new mother.

But presumably husband would be providing financially via any divorce settlement, so I would have financial security.

It's a really difficult question to answer and I think I am going to give you a, maybe negative perspective on kids, but they do occur and at times all parents, single or not, struggle.

I absolutely love my three to bits and the decision to have my youngest was made knowing I would be a single parent. I went to the Pregnancy Advisory Service and considered abortion, but then decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, but she was my third and I kinda knew what I was in for.

However there are times when things are really difficult. Do you have a good support network? Being a single parent can be an extremely lonely job. You don't get time to switch off. Also you could find that the financial support could be an issue with him being overseas. The CSA have no juristriction with fathers overseas, and even if you get divorced it can take ages to get sorted financially, and if he refuses a divorce it could be two years before anything near a conclusion is finalised.

You also say you would be 100% ready for a child if you were in a stable relationship. But honey, you aren't in a stable relationship. There must be doubts about having this child or the second part of your sentence wouldn't be there. Not only do you not have a stable relationship but you mentioned coming back from overseas, so do you have somewhere to live? Local authority accommodation is not easy to get, housing associations have limited stock too. Would you feel happy in a hostel or a b&b?

I know I am throwing up negatives, and I would never tell anyone to definitely have a baby or not, as that is your choice, but there are practical things which maybe you need to think about.

I really hope you make the right decision for you x

presumably yes - " husband would be providing financially via any divorce settlement, so I would have financial security. "

however if he decides to fight you and/or you have to resort to court battles, CSA and so on - then it can take time. so dont bank on him "paying" you - you gonna need to start saving your own money.... or if he decides to resign his job and become unemployed then you not going to get much....

it does not pay to be naive...unless you have large marital assets? tho if they abroad could be an issue - ie again it might take months/years to get your 50%.....

you know - as my exP complained so much about how i behaved to him, how awful i was etcetc - i naively thought -well it makes sense to separate doesnt it? clealry you will be happier without me?

naive indeed - he (I presume) hated the idea of me not being around him to control /abuse, refused to leave joint owned property etcetcetc.

"nice" divorces dont happen when one half is abusive/controlling....

dont assume anything.....

Hello. I'll confess now I've not read the whole thread.

My ex has a different racial background from me and before littlemad was born I assumed he would have his father's colouring.

He doesn't, he is the absolute spitting image of me and grows more so every day.

It's incredibly hard work to do this on your own, but incredubly rewarding. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Added to that once you throw a drawn out court battle into the mix you are giving your life up to a whole bunch more than you may have bargained for.

My ex had wanted littlemad more than anything as well. But he doesn't seem to be able to now understand that as we have a child it's their needs who come first.

Good luck, I hope you find a decision you're happy with.

Thanks for all your advice.

Blef - Yes, I am worried about being a single parent in terms of isolation/loneliness and lack of support network.

My parents live overseas (Europe) so could come for visits, but I would not be able to rely on them for regular childcare or to give me a break. I have some family in the UK but none in London (where I live normally).

My husband has lots of family in London but obviously if we split I don't know how much access they would want - and certainly they would want to do 'fun' stuff rather than day-to-day helping me out with childminders etc etc if I'm working. So that might be a problem.

I do have lots of very good female friends in London with young children, although they are all married. I don't know how much that would come between us, as it were, and perhaps make it harder for me to sort of join their group...

Cestlavie - Husband works for a British company and gets paid into a UK bank account, so money for CSA should be relatively accessible. We have assets (flat with mortgage paid off) and quite a lot of cash savings so I would be entitled to a 'payout' of sorts (admittedly it might take ages if it goes to court though). Initially I presume I could survive off benefits and some type of maintenance from husband, until a settlement comes through.

I am thoroughly expecting a 'nasty' divorce if it comes to that, H will fight me for every penny.

Madcheese - yes, I am a bit worried about getting a whole lot more than I bargained for! It's such a difficult decision to make blind, though. How can I know how I will feel about being a single parent?!

You can't know how you will feel, just like any first time Mum can't know how they will feel. You can listen to what other people talk about but the whole thing will be totally and uniquely your experience.

I'd guess tiredness and overwhelming amazement at having produced a little person will feature (provided it all goes well and you don't suffer from depression)

Look with a good network around you anything is possible.

The only question you need to answer honestly to yourself is 'Do I want to have this Baby?' and no one else can probably help with that.

I'm so sorry you'rehaving to face this, I don't know what I would have done if I'd been honest enough with myself to realise my marriage was over when I found out I was pregnant.

I do know that despite everything I've been through, Littlemad is the very best thing that I ever did.

Don't depend on the CSA to get you anything either. My ex has a deductions from earnings order and his company regularly screw around with payments, and I can regularly go for up to three months without anything financially.

My ex is a different race to me, and I did a little private mourning while pregnant that my child wouldn't have blue eyes and freckles like me. But once DD arrived, it became a total non-issue. People say she looks very like my ex, but to me she just looks like herself.

Even when I was pregnant, I knew that an acrimonious split was on the cards. I do occasionally wonder if I should have gone ahead with the pregnancy. My life would have been simpler if I didn't. It would be nice to have a cleaner break with my ex. Co-parenting with an abusive ex is a constant challenge. But she's such a happy little girl, and such a delight to be around, I couldn't wish her away. I was also conscious of my age and decided I would rather have a child in less-than-ideal circumstances than no child at all.

I'm sure there are people who resent their dcs for reminding them of the other parent. All I can say is that it's by no means inevitable. It seems bizarre to me to blame DD for her father, when it was my choice, after all!

My Ex-hubby is an idiot but i don't resent our son in any way and our son is the spitting image of him!! I just love him for who he is and try to forget who his father is.

From a different perspective, I have a friend who had been with her DP for 10 years when they broke up. She had been sticking around waiting for him to be "ready" for kids but it never happened. She thought she couldn't really leave him because then she would lose her chance at having kids.

2 months after the split, she fell in love with someone else.
2 months later, she was pregnant.
Her baby girl was born in March.

So all I'm saying is, this is not necessarily your "last chance". Did it take you long to conceive? Are there any indications that you might have fertility problems?

Not saying you should do either/or, just raising another perspective.

I'm a single mum to the most beautiful and wonderful girl. I parted ways from her dad early on in pregnancy, not because I hate him or he did me any harm, but because he was a phase, a wild card and unfit to be a dad. Saying that, I left the door open for him to be responsible and be in her life, but he messed up.

So, it can't be compared to your awful experience and I don't know if perhaps there is a slight chance it could be different in your case because of what you've been through....
but I just wanted to let you know that I can honestly say in the last 2.5 years since she was born, the image of her dad has popped up so rarely that it sometimes amazes me if I think about that! I always come to the conclusion it's because she is her own person, a free spirit. It's her I see when I look at her. It's her that I adore and she reminds me of noone. She is entirely her own person. I think it would also be perhaps different if you start out raising a child together and then part ways, because then the link with the father may stay there in many different levels and then perhaps you would see him in that child somewhat more. But if you are to go it alone from the very start then it would be a clean slate to grow from with your child.

I hope that helps :-)